Dating

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Are you scared? Or are you not ready? There is a difference. 

Status: good. slept straight through without getting up once last night. don’t feel too groggy this morning, that despite a big night out on Saturday night. Three weeks to go and I’m starting to feel a bit of anxiety. Need to stay super chill, relax and accept the impermanence of things. That’s the only way I’m going to be able to stay focused and enjoy the time that I have left. Besides, who knows what adventure lies in wait for me on the other side?

Date.

Had dinner with The Tardy One last night, who I am now going to rename G. She told me last night that her name is not The Tardy One and it is actually G, prefacing this news with, “promise you won’t get mad”. Ok, I thought, that’s not exactly a fair request and you’re removing accountability from yourself which is not a show-stopper, but it is a red flag. I mean if she won’t take responsibility for that, then what else won’t she take responsibility for? Uh, how else will that lack of accountability manifest itself going forward? (ok, that’s better). That said, I’m actually not surprised and given the context, I’m not really annoyed. I mean she’s scared of her own shadow and safety is paramount for her, so while I’m not overly impressed, I’m not going to make a meal out of it. I don’t gain any value from conflating the issue into something bigger than it really is.

Besides, I enjoyed her company. She’s easy to talk to, we never have any quiet or uncomfortable silence type moments, and (ironically) she’s a safe bet for me. So, while she doesn’t light my world on fire, she does give me enjoyable, stress-free companionship (which sounds much more clinical than I intended). She’s smart and engaging, and more importantly her personality doesn’t dove-tail with my dysfunction (which is why there is no “connection”), so there’s a good chance that the interaction won’t veer into unhealthy territory.

That’s not the same with M. She lights me up. Our dysfunctions are super compatible and she also shares some of my personality traits, my more negative personality traits, which we both get from our Mothers. Based upon what she has told me about her Mom, our Mothers are very similar and that’s why we connect. We’re recognising personality traits from our primary caregiving Mother in each other. So, she instinctively knows how to press my buttons, how to either pull me in or push me away, and that also means she knows how to really hurt me. I’m calling it now: this one is going to end in tears. My tears.

In any case, best to enjoy the ride while it lasts…..

Nikon D3400
1/60 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 100

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Hangovers and Dating

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It hurts when you have someone in your heart, but you can’t have them in your arms.

Status: kinda hungover, actually. due to the date last night and all. can’t feel the cold, so I’m sure I’m feeling better despite the hangover. I’m actually in reasonable shape, all things considered. I drank about as much as I did on Sunday night, but the consequences weren’t as severe for some reason. Could have been the food, or the fact I didn’t mix drinks like I did on Sunday, but whatever it was, I feel somewhat human today.

So, let’s just get right into it:

Date.

I think I’m in trouble.

Not sure exactly what is going on with M, her background is fairly normal from what I can see, but it is dovetailing with my dysfunction perfectly. I woke up this morning after our date last night and immediately thought, “oh wait, really?”; three dates and I’m feeling the pull. The need to start intensely feeding the relationship with everything it needs, and more.

That scares me a little.

I’ve seen this before, I’ve done this before, and nothing good will come from it. I’ll just end up overwhelming her with kindness; doing my best to take of her needs, placing them as a priority over mine, which will make me look needy and maybe even clingy as I feed the relationship, and feed it and feed it and feed it…….because that’s how I show affection.

I think I have a few choices here: cut and run, or step back and be patient. I think being patient is the right call here; whenever I feel the pull to intensely focus on the relationship I’ll direct the energy towards one of my creative projects instead. Lord knows the writing could use it.

Photography.

I still have a bunch of photos to edit, which I’ll focus on this afternoon. This week has been a bit of a write-off. Between the Monday and Friday hangovers, and the cold which pushed me out of my normal routine, I wasn’t as productive as I could have been. I’m not going to beat myself up over it though; I was still able to post photos to IG almost every day this week, and I received good feedback, so I’ll call that Good Enough.

Ok, let’s get on with it…..

Nikon D3400
1/60 sec
f/5.6
18mm
ISO 100

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Being Human

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I learned that people can easily forget that others are human.

Status: grotty. still. propping myself up with Aspirin and such again this morning. could barely get through the meditation ritual this morning, and I now I’m sitting here in a cold, clammy sweat trying to eek out a few words for this blog. Because, you know, OCD and such.

Date.

Getting together with M this evening. Entertaining the thought of bailing on the date because, you know, I’m finally admitting that I’m sick. Which is probably the responsible thing to do, but given time is growing short I don’t want to waste any opportunities.

Honestly indifferent about the whole thing right now, I just want to get a good night’s sleep because I’ve slept very poorly over the last few nights, which is par for the course.

M is adventurous, which is why I like her. But, maybe she’s a little too adventurous. It’s obvious to me that she’s trying to fill a hole inside of her with these little adventures, but it’s not apparent what created the hole. Based upon what she told me about her home life, it seems pretty normal to me. But it’s clear that our dysfunctions are compatible, it’s just a dysfunction I’ve not seen before. Maybe all will reveal itself in due course.

On that note, she hit me up with a chlamydia scare yesterday. Apparently a fella she had been seeing recently and then kicked to the curb before we met called her yesterday morning and told her that he had chlamydia and that she needed to get tested. I received a very panicked text from her explaining the situation and also that she’d been tested between seeing the two of us and that the results were negative. She also said that I was the only person she’d been with since having the test, so chances were good that I was clean.

I mean, she honestly didn’t really need to tell me. She opted to get retested, just in case, and she could have waited until the results were completed before taking the next step which would be based upon whether or not it was positive or negative. From the timeline she gave me, the chances of me being infected were low, maybe zero.

In any case, I sat on the news for few hours so I could process it. I mean, I was a willing participant in sleeping with her and therefore bear some responsibility. Added to that is the speed with which she advised me, knowing that it could potentially damage our budding relationship and that I may opt to not see her again, and the timeline meant I wasn’t really at risk. So, there was no reason to be a dick about it and add more stress to an already stressful situation.

If the circumstances were different, I might have made a different choice, but in this instance I decided to lead with forgiveness. That’s something I don’t do very often, and I it’s something I should do more going forward.

In any case, I got tested for STIs this afternoon, which I needed to do anyway, so there really wasn’t any skin off my nose.

And that’s how we roll today….tomorrow may be a different story.

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/4
18mm
ISO 100

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Street Photography

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My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.

Status: grotty. awake at 3:30am. couldn’t get back to sleep, so got up around 4:30am. sitting here in a pool of fever induced clammy sweat agonising over photos and accompanying captions. Should I just take the day off so I can rest up and get better? Yes. Am I actually going to do that? Nope. I have stuff to do; actually I have a full day and want to squeeze in some writing and photo editing on top of that. I have zero interest in sitting around feeling ill; I’d rather just prop myself up with some aspirin and then get on with It.

Photography.

I’ve had a few good days; actually I was able to take pictures every day over the weekend – Friday to Sunday. Now spending time on the pictures from the 31st, with the 5th, 6th and 7th to follow. Cognisant that time is growing short and I need to consider timing around disposing of the entry level kit before I leave; prefer not to take it back with me, but will keep that option open as a last resort.

The models that I booked for this week have flaked on me, and I think I’ve lost interest in ticking that box. May work on organising that for next week, but I think I’ll be okay with it if I can’t get it done before I leave. I’ll have another bite at that particular apple at some point in the future, but right now I’m enjoying the street photography, so maybe it’s best to stick with that, especially since the weather is getting better.

Date.

M and I are getting together again tomorrow evening for dinner and festivities (or is it me and M? Remember being taught the former in school, but I’ve been seeing people use the latter?). Looking forward to seeing her, but not interested in the partying that will ensue. Don’t get me wrong, I love a debaucherous evening, but not all the time and I’m at that stage of the week when I’m mostly interested in working on my creative projects. Plus I’m clearly sick, so there’s that…….

Writing.

Not much to say on this front other than the photography has taken over. I don’t even have enough energy at the moment to self-flagellate over the lack of writing, which is not a bad thing. As long as I’m being productive with the photography and am not wasting my free time with YT videos and other such time wasters, I’m okay. Will need to revisit this goal because clearly it’s not holding my attention…….

Ok, let’s get on with it.

Nikon D3400
1/200 sec
f/9
55mm
ISO 100

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Decorating Absence

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You can decorate absence however you want―but you’re still going to feel what’s missing.

Status: sick. I’m in denial about being sick. I can’t be sick. Started feeling odd late yesterday, but thought it was a continuation of the hangover from Sunday evening festivities. Last night it raged hard and disrupted sleep. Had to get up at some point and take some aspirin to manage the fever; bring it down so I could actually get some sleep. Despite that I don’t feel too bad this morning, but I have that scratchy feeling in my sinuses and at the top of my throat. Fuck. Will bang some echinacea and move forward.

Date.

Big weekend and a stunning turn of events. Friday night dinner date with The Tardy One, which was pleasant and dry as an added bonus so I didn’t have to contend with a hangover the following day. I like these types of dates which don’t soak up copious amounts of time and I can use the day afterwards to work on Productive Things. Spent Saturday fielding copious amounts of questions via text which centered around making sure our interactions were safe (for her) going forward and all of sudden I realised that she’s scared of her own shadow. I appreciate the need for caution, but she’s taking it a little bit too far. To the point that it’s turning me off; and that’s reminded me that I prefer the more adventurous type.

And that brings me to The Blonde Girl, which I’m going to refer to as M going forward. As expected I didn’t hear from her at all during the week and into the weekend, and fully intended to let it die, but…..in a moment of weakness I reached out to her on Saturday (no, not weakness, I was losing interest in The Tardy One and decided to look elsewhere). She said she was feel better and was available on Sunday, which I said was tentatively okay. I typically attend an Oasis event on the first Sunday of each month, and given I’m relocating wanted to go there one last time, but……I changed my mind at the last minute and decided to hang out with her instead. Actually she was pretty cool about it; I held her off until the last minute before making that decision (which means that I was holding her in place, so she couldn’t make plans for the evening and as such was letting her know that my time was more valuable than hers – that’s not fair and not cool, I need to do a little better going forward).

In any case, it was a really good date. I mean, we drank way too much, but she is fun and engaging and adventurous which are all the things I look for in a woman. When I told her about the event on Sunday evening that I had passed up in order to hangout with her, she expressed an interest and said we could check it out together. That was surprising; seems like I made the right choice and I’m now thinking that maybe M is the one I want to spend time with going forward, and I’ll let The Tardy One go.

And if you haven’t guessed it by now: yes, I am fickle….

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/5.6
18mm
ISO 100

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Lazy

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Status: Lazy.

It’s almost 8:30, which is the end of my day, and I’m just starting to do some writing. I told myself I was going to review and edit the Weaver short story today, but instead spent the bulk of it doing admin work and some photography.

Ok.

I actually finished processing the photos from the 27th, and then loaded the pictures from the 29th, 30th and 31st. Processed a few of these and then got overstimulated, so took a quick break which turned into an hour on YT before I got back to it. Finally gave up at 9am because I was having a hard time focusing; too many choices and I was hating every photo I took, so had to set it aside.

The afternoon was the usual struggle to get back into the flow, but when I finally did settle down I was able to clear off the budget/finance tasks, and also closed a few items from the task list. Sussed a chiropracter and made an appointment, booked a couple of models for next week, advised a contact of the impending move and booked a catch-up lunch, and then followed up with the broker for a quote on the books.

Oh, and I did laundry.

So, I guess it was productive, but I still didn’t do the thing I wanted to do: write.

And then I made a tactical error.

Backed up my hard drive, but did the data transfer in reverse, which means I lost all of the work I had done this afternoon.

Smack my fucking head = SMFH times 2.

And that sent me into a downward spiral of self-loathing and self-flaggelation. Which doesn’t help. Briefly thought about the lessons I’ve learned from the meditation book; that I should accept the situation, lean into it and forgive myself, but that’s not what I wanted. Punishment was the choice I made.

As penance, rather than close out my day with a little Netflix-and-chill, I’ve decided that I’m going to complete all of the re-work before I go to sleep.

So, not a great day. Need to work on the forgiveness aspect and also my focus and prioritisation. The monkey mind pulls me aside way too easily…..

Alright, let’s get on with it…

 

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Late Start

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You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but ultimately, we see what we want to see when we’re ready to see it.

Status: overslept this morning. I don’t feel bad, just a little disappointed that I got such a late start. My OCD is obviously poking at me, “this isn’t how it’s meant to be; you didn’t stick to the schedule and therefore the world has been thrown into chaos, so we have no choice but to throw this day in the bin and try again tomorrow when we can do it properly”. Yeah okay, hold on there……….(I need to give this aspect of myself a name….I think I’ll call it Chuck)….Yeah okay, hold on there CHUCK, you’re being a drama queen. Yes, we got a late start. So what? We were still able to tick the box on one To Do and am now sitting in Balzac’s drinking tea and writing, which is something we always wanted to do. I mean the sitting in Balzac’s doing some writing part, not the drinking tea part. We drink tea all the time……

(Pause)

Ummm, okay that’s a little weird (referring to myself in plural), but I’m still going to call my OCD Chuck (while picturing Jocko Willink and then hesitantly throwing a little Holy Water in his direction, “I anoint thee…”).

Career.

My new boss reached out to me via email yesterday looking to see if I can get an early start on the new job. Specifically, meeting a few people and starting the process of getting up to speed. I still have a month and a half before I start. He’s definitely a Type A personality, which is to be expected given the industry. I need to be prepared that he’ll likely be reaching out to me day and night because his work and life are integrated, there’s no separation therefore there is nothing to balance. Will need to manage this carefully as I have no intention of following suit and plan to utilise my spare time outside of work on writing and photography.

Date.

Reached out to The Tardy One yesterday to tell her I’m leaving Toronto. It only seemed fair to let her know up front that this was happening before she invested any more time in this. We talked about looking for an exclusive long term relationship up front, and I’m okay with that, but if that what she wants then better to let her go and find someone that can provide that locally versus over a distance (and on that note, long distance relationships are bullshit). In any case, she’s game, so we’ll give it a go and see what happens.

Alright, let’s stop there and move onto The Next Thing….

Nikon D3400
1/500 sec
f/14
18mm
ISO 100

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