An Evening with M

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Status: just about okay. very little sleep from a semi-big night. Bigger than expected. Struggling to get going, which is to be expected and it seems like I’ve decided to write off the day. Anxiety levels: high. I’m all brain fog and fat fingers as I try and get into the daily ritual of writing.

Date.

Got together with M last night for dinner and drinks, which ended in her spending the night and then leaving at 6:30am this morning. Which was unexpected and also not unpleasant, but it did result in 2 hours of sleep. I honestly don’t know how she’s functioning today, because I’m near useless. It’s almost 2pm and I’m only just starting to write.

I can count the number of women I’ve allowed to spend the night over the last ten years on two fingers. She’s one. As the evening progressed we both lost track of time and when we finally looked at the clock it was 4am. It was at that point that she essentially invited herself to stay because going home at that late hour was a waste of time. I actually agree with that strategy, better to get a few hours sleep and then start the day from my place, but still, that was very well played on her part.

Very. Well. Played.

All joking aside, I’m honestly okay with it. I feel really comfortable around her, and it was pleasant experiencing that closeness from someone who is starting to, uh, imprint themselves onto me? Ummm, yeah that sounds way too clinical. Let’s try that again: it was pleasant experiencing that closeness from someone I’m starting to like. That’s better.

I’d like to dive into this in more detail, because we spent the evening and night deep in conversation about things which are important to us. And that uncovered way more than I expected; it seems like we have way more in common than our Mothers. So much so that I’m now not suprised that we get along as well as we do.

But, that will have to wait until later. Right now lack of sleep is kicking me in the ass a little, and I don’t have the mental acuity to do it proper justice. Beside, I’m much more of a reflective thinker and could use a little bit of time to process it.

Next up: an outing with G this evening. Not sure I really have the energy for this, but it will be a low maintenance affair, so off we go…..

 

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Drama Kings and Queens

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But I have infinite tenderness for you. I always will.

Status: good. I’m at that part of the week where hangovers are a distant memory and things are starting to normalise. Anxiety is building. Forced out of the unit and am sitting in a coffee shop attempting to write, which is the worst place to do that. There’s too much going on around me, not to mention the noise, so I can’t get into the flow. It’s a much better place for photo editing.

In any case, let’s make an attempt at it.

Photography.

Time is growing short and I’m encroaching on the spot in the schedule where I should be disposing of the photography equipment in anticipation of travelling. I really don’t want to take this stuff back with me. Toying with the idea of leveraging either M or G to hold onto or dispose of it if I end up cutting it too close to the travel date. Appreciate that this is not optimal, but something to consider as we get closer. I still have a few items on my shot list and I’d like to take advantage of the last remaining moments to shoot the city. I won’t be picking up the new gear until later in the year, perhaps the end of summer, so will be without the means to shoot for a few months.

Writing.

Good, not great. G gave me some feedback on the Weaver story, and I basically learned two things. Providing an overview of the story and letting the reader know what was intended before getting their feedback is not the best way to go. I did that with G and it prevented her from being objective. I need to see the story through her eyes, and not through the lens of what I intended. The second thing is this: it’s not as bad as I though it was. She really liked it, especially the dialogue, and picked up on the intended personality traits without my prompting. So, that’s promising. Now I just need the courage to tackle the feedback from the editor and finish what I started. It’s time to put this to rest.

Photography.

Haven’t shot in about ten days, but have been spending all of that time editing. G tells me that my photos are better than I think. There’s room for improvement and I’m not yet where I want to be, but I’ll take the compliment. Another local photographer reached out to me recently on IG wanting to join me for a session. Seemed to really like my stuff. Happy that I’m getting the positive feedback, but need to keep pushing so that I can continue to improve.

Date.

Meeting M this evening for dinner and drinks, and then tomorrow I’ll be hanging out with G at a pop-up market or some such. I’m going to try not to turn this evening into a drunken orgy like the last two dates with M – she’s all too willing a participant for debaucherous evenings, unlike G who doesn’t drink. Added to the meeting with M are the STI test results which came back negative for both of us. Seems that the little drama which the previous boyfriend created is over for me, but probably not for her.

I’m also mildly confused about the timeline and why M feels the need to stay in contact. I mean: it ended in March, she was tested on March 31st and everything was clear (she showed me the test results), we were together the first week of April, ex-boyfriend popped back up a few days later with news about a Chlamydia infection, we both got tested (this is now twice for her), we’re both clean. That should be the end of it, no? From the ex’s perspective, his obligation ended with advising M of the STI. Post that I don’t see the need for any further correspondence. Apparently, the ex was chasing M all weekend for the test results, acting like a crazy person, but this seems like a redundant step to me. Whether M had it or not, the ex still had to get treatment. So, chasing M for the test results is irrelevant, it doesn’t change the outcome. Perhaps I’m missing a piece of information?

Whatever it is, I’m not going to press the issue with M because then it’ll make me look insecure and perhaps a little needy. If I start with the 20 questions then she’ll get the impression that I don’t trust her. Probably rightfully so, although she has been pretty upfront so far (given the timeline she didn’t really need to tell me about the drama cooked up by the ex – she was clean and couldn’t pass along anything to me).

I think it’s best just to note the way that she handles drama and a break up, because I may find myself on the opposite end of that at some point in the future. I’d prefer to be with someone who can handle it in a mature way.

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/8
23mm
ISO 100

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Dating

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Are you scared? Or are you not ready? There is a difference. 

Status: good. slept straight through without getting up once last night. don’t feel too groggy this morning, that despite a big night out on Saturday night. Three weeks to go and I’m starting to feel a bit of anxiety. Need to stay super chill, relax and accept the impermanence of things. That’s the only way I’m going to be able to stay focused and enjoy the time that I have left. Besides, who knows what adventure lies in wait for me on the other side?

Date.

Had dinner with The Tardy One last night, who I am now going to rename G. She told me last night that her name is not The Tardy One and it is actually G, prefacing this news with, “promise you won’t get mad”. Ok, I thought, that’s not exactly a fair request and you’re removing accountability from yourself which is not a show-stopper, but it is a red flag. I mean if she won’t take responsibility for that, then what else won’t she take responsibility for? Uh, how else will that lack of accountability manifest itself going forward? (ok, that’s better). That said, I’m actually not surprised and given the context, I’m not really annoyed. I mean she’s scared of her own shadow and safety is paramount for her, so while I’m not overly impressed, I’m not going to make a meal out of it. I don’t gain any value from conflating the issue into something bigger than it really is.

Besides, I enjoyed her company. She’s easy to talk to, we never have any quiet or uncomfortable silence type moments, and (ironically) she’s a safe bet for me. So, while she doesn’t light my world on fire, she does give me enjoyable, stress-free companionship (which sounds much more clinical than I intended). She’s smart and engaging, and more importantly her personality doesn’t dove-tail with my dysfunction (which is why there is no “connection”), so there’s a good chance that the interaction won’t veer into unhealthy territory.

That’s not the same with M. She lights me up. Our dysfunctions are super compatible and she also shares some of my personality traits, my more negative personality traits, which we both get from our Mothers. Based upon what she has told me about her Mom, our Mothers are very similar and that’s why we connect. We’re recognising personality traits from our primary caregiving Mother in each other. So, she instinctively knows how to press my buttons, how to either pull me in or push me away, and that also means she knows how to really hurt me. I’m calling it now: this one is going to end in tears. My tears.

In any case, best to enjoy the ride while it lasts…..

Nikon D3400
1/60 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 100

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Being Human

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I learned that people can easily forget that others are human.

Status: grotty. still. propping myself up with Aspirin and such again this morning. could barely get through the meditation ritual this morning, and I now I’m sitting here in a cold, clammy sweat trying to eek out a few words for this blog. Because, you know, OCD and such.

Date.

Getting together with M this evening. Entertaining the thought of bailing on the date because, you know, I’m finally admitting that I’m sick. Which is probably the responsible thing to do, but given time is growing short I don’t want to waste any opportunities.

Honestly indifferent about the whole thing right now, I just want to get a good night’s sleep because I’ve slept very poorly over the last few nights, which is par for the course.

M is adventurous, which is why I like her. But, maybe she’s a little too adventurous. It’s obvious to me that she’s trying to fill a hole inside of her with these little adventures, but it’s not apparent what created the hole. Based upon what she told me about her home life, it seems pretty normal to me. But it’s clear that our dysfunctions are compatible, it’s just a dysfunction I’ve not seen before. Maybe all will reveal itself in due course.

On that note, she hit me up with a chlamydia scare yesterday. Apparently a fella she had been seeing recently and then kicked to the curb before we met called her yesterday morning and told her that he had chlamydia and that she needed to get tested. I received a very panicked text from her explaining the situation and also that she’d been tested between seeing the two of us and that the results were negative. She also said that I was the only person she’d been with since having the test, so chances were good that I was clean.

I mean, she honestly didn’t really need to tell me. She opted to get retested, just in case, and she could have waited until the results were completed before taking the next step which would be based upon whether or not it was positive or negative. From the timeline she gave me, the chances of me being infected were low, maybe zero.

In any case, I sat on the news for few hours so I could process it. I mean, I was a willing participant in sleeping with her and therefore bear some responsibility. Added to that is the speed with which she advised me, knowing that it could potentially damage our budding relationship and that I may opt to not see her again, and the timeline meant I wasn’t really at risk. So, there was no reason to be a dick about it and add more stress to an already stressful situation.

If the circumstances were different, I might have made a different choice, but in this instance I decided to lead with forgiveness. That’s something I don’t do very often, and I it’s something I should do more going forward.

In any case, I got tested for STIs this afternoon, which I needed to do anyway, so there really wasn’t any skin off my nose.

And that’s how we roll today….tomorrow may be a different story.

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/4
18mm
ISO 100

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Decorating Absence

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You can decorate absence however you want―but you’re still going to feel what’s missing.

Status: sick. I’m in denial about being sick. I can’t be sick. Started feeling odd late yesterday, but thought it was a continuation of the hangover from Sunday evening festivities. Last night it raged hard and disrupted sleep. Had to get up at some point and take some aspirin to manage the fever; bring it down so I could actually get some sleep. Despite that I don’t feel too bad this morning, but I have that scratchy feeling in my sinuses and at the top of my throat. Fuck. Will bang some echinacea and move forward.

Date.

Big weekend and a stunning turn of events. Friday night dinner date with The Tardy One, which was pleasant and dry as an added bonus so I didn’t have to contend with a hangover the following day. I like these types of dates which don’t soak up copious amounts of time and I can use the day afterwards to work on Productive Things. Spent Saturday fielding copious amounts of questions via text which centered around making sure our interactions were safe (for her) going forward and all of sudden I realised that she’s scared of her own shadow. I appreciate the need for caution, but she’s taking it a little bit too far. To the point that it’s turning me off; and that’s reminded me that I prefer the more adventurous type.

And that brings me to The Blonde Girl, which I’m going to refer to as M going forward. As expected I didn’t hear from her at all during the week and into the weekend, and fully intended to let it die, but…..in a moment of weakness I reached out to her on Saturday (no, not weakness, I was losing interest in The Tardy One and decided to look elsewhere). She said she was feel better and was available on Sunday, which I said was tentatively okay. I typically attend an Oasis event on the first Sunday of each month, and given I’m relocating wanted to go there one last time, but……I changed my mind at the last minute and decided to hang out with her instead. Actually she was pretty cool about it; I held her off until the last minute before making that decision (which means that I was holding her in place, so she couldn’t make plans for the evening and as such was letting her know that my time was more valuable than hers – that’s not fair and not cool, I need to do a little better going forward).

In any case, it was a really good date. I mean, we drank way too much, but she is fun and engaging and adventurous which are all the things I look for in a woman. When I told her about the event on Sunday evening that I had passed up in order to hangout with her, she expressed an interest and said we could check it out together. That was surprising; seems like I made the right choice and I’m now thinking that maybe M is the one I want to spend time with going forward, and I’ll let The Tardy One go.

And if you haven’t guessed it by now: yes, I am fickle….

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/5.6
18mm
ISO 100

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Lazy

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Status: Lazy.

It’s almost 8:30, which is the end of my day, and I’m just starting to do some writing. I told myself I was going to review and edit the Weaver short story today, but instead spent the bulk of it doing admin work and some photography.

Ok.

I actually finished processing the photos from the 27th, and then loaded the pictures from the 29th, 30th and 31st. Processed a few of these and then got overstimulated, so took a quick break which turned into an hour on YT before I got back to it. Finally gave up at 9am because I was having a hard time focusing; too many choices and I was hating every photo I took, so had to set it aside.

The afternoon was the usual struggle to get back into the flow, but when I finally did settle down I was able to clear off the budget/finance tasks, and also closed a few items from the task list. Sussed a chiropracter and made an appointment, booked a couple of models for next week, advised a contact of the impending move and booked a catch-up lunch, and then followed up with the broker for a quote on the books.

Oh, and I did laundry.

So, I guess it was productive, but I still didn’t do the thing I wanted to do: write.

And then I made a tactical error.

Backed up my hard drive, but did the data transfer in reverse, which means I lost all of the work I had done this afternoon.

Smack my fucking head = SMFH times 2.

And that sent me into a downward spiral of self-loathing and self-flaggelation. Which doesn’t help. Briefly thought about the lessons I’ve learned from the meditation book; that I should accept the situation, lean into it and forgive myself, but that’s not what I wanted. Punishment was the choice I made.

As penance, rather than close out my day with a little Netflix-and-chill, I’ve decided that I’m going to complete all of the re-work before I go to sleep.

So, not a great day. Need to work on the forgiveness aspect and also my focus and prioritisation. The monkey mind pulls me aside way too easily…..

Alright, let’s get on with it…

 

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Love Yourself

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Try to love yourself as much as you want someone else to.

Status: awake at 2:30am this morning and then couldn’t get back to sleep, so pried myself out of bed at 4:30am and then promptly informed my IG followers that I was awake by updating my story. What would they do without me? All things considered, I don’t feel too bad. Tired, but that’s to be expected. Not too much brain fog this morning, so I’m right on schedule. By the time I get up tomorrow morning it should be all gone, and then I’ll do it all again this coming weekend.

Writing and Photography.

Was planning to write as soon as I got up, but couldn’t muster the energy, so fell down a rabbit hole on YT which lasted about two hours before I caught myself. Perhaps I’m finding the task of writing too daunting and I need to lower expectations? Maybe I need a little bit of time in the morning before I can get going? Actually, a slow start to the day is something I’ve always done. I even find it difficult to train early in the morning and typically prefer something a bit more civilised like coffee/tea and a little reading before officially beginning my day. I think that sounds way more productive than watching YT videos, for sure.

In any case, I decided to process photos instead of doing some writing. Finished off the pictures from the 24th and started on the ones from the 27th. The former date produced some really nice, dramatic Black and White photos which are definitely worth sharing. The latter, not so much. I was experimenting with the Shutter Priority function on the camera, and while the composition is good, the ISO is way too high which means the photos are pretty noisy. This camera is not great with a high ISO setting at night, so I think I’ll retire that function and stick with the Manual setting going forward.

Date.

I was due to get together with The Blonde Girl on Sunday, but she cancelled last minute. Yeast infection, or some such. We didn’t have any firms plans past agreeing to get together in the afternoon. I’ve seen this behaviour before; it’s a lack of interest (on both sides) and I’m going to call it now: between the two of us we’ll allow it to die. I’ll be very surprised if she reaches out to me this week, and I’m not going to make the effort, so I think that will be the end of that.

Time to forgive myself for the faux pas of today and try again tomorrow….

Nikon D3400
1/60 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 800

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