The Next Step

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Once in a while it really hits people that they don’t have to experience the world in the way they have been told to. 

So, they’re interested. I could tell from the first interview that this was the case, they were projecting their intention. I really am getting better at reading people, and this no small feat through the phone when there is no body language to observe for context.

I fit a need they have in the short to medium term. I’m honestly not all that thrilled to be covering old ground – do I really want more experience on that front? That said, this might be a good point to pick up something in the interim. I mean, I don’t have to stay and I am ready to move onto The Next Thing. I’m also aware that it’ll take some time to gain traction on what I really want to do, and this will provide some financial security and a fallback in the event of failure.

That seems to be my comfort zone: cultivating multiple opportunities and covering the downside. Let’s not put all of our eggs in one basket.

Ok, so onto the next round and let’s see what develops.

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/16
24mm
ISO 100

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The Beauty of Life

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Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.

And I do a lot of dwelling, but not about the beauty of life. The opposite, in fact. My default seems to be dwelling on the empty portion of the glass rather than the full portion. I use it to feed my depression (or is it a result of my depression?), which is my comfortable space, my constant companion, and in a sick way I really miss it when it’s not around.

I’m fully aware that this isn’t healthy for me and I need to cultivate behaviours which will push me more towards positive thoughts and actions.

And that’s where I can use the photography. It forces me to look for the beauty in the most mundane things and then capture it on camera. The end result of which is incentive enough to focus on the full portion of the glass, I think.

Nikon D3400
1/125 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 4500

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Creating a Universe

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Everything you see or hear or experience in any way at all is specific to you. You create a universe by perceiving it, so everything in the universe you perceive is specific to you.

Which apparently for me is in Black and White.

There’s a simplicity in it. Clean lines and well defined contrasts. This universe is a lot more structured and less ambiguous. Which for me makes sense. Unstructured ambiguity creates uncertainty and therefore anxiety, which takes me back to less pleasant times. I can see how this might stifle the more creative, free-spirited types, but for me it’s the opposite. There’s an embracing comfort in it which is optimal for me.

I drafted up a note yesterday asking the interviewer for clarification on the feedback. Slept on it overnight, and sent it off this morning. I’m not expecting much in return, perhaps some confirmation that their thought processes are skewed and therefore inaccurate. I’m fully aware that the follow up response, if any, may be just as poorly worded and dismissive as the initial feedback, which may end up digging the knife in deeper. But, I wanted to see if there is anything usable there and felt like the downside is minimal. I’ll likely lose a bit of sleep, and that’s not exactly the end of the world.

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/16
52mm
ISO 800

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Trials

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A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.

Status: fucking tired. Wide awake at 3:30am and couldn’t get back to sleep, so gave up trying around 4am and got up. Night terrors as usual, but these extended throughout the night which is unusual. Things peaking out from shadowy corners, movement across the room and from behind the drapes. My mind was obviously overactive last night seeing things which are not there.

Received odd feedback yesterday from an interview which I had two and half months ago. I’d long forgotten about it, rightly getting the impression during the interview that they weren’t really interested, which is fine. That said, the tardiness of the response and inelegant content of the message was a little off-putting and has left me wondering if I should seek clarification or leave it alone. Perhaps that’s all I need to know about the organisation, tactless correspondence as an indicator of the way they approach employee relations.

Still, is this an opportunity to make some changes?

Nikon D3400
1/640 sec
f/9
18mm
ISO 100

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Visions of the Future

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Sometimes my vision becomes blurred and I can’t see the future anymore. In times like this, I seek clarity by taking myself out of the picture for a while.

Status: I can see the future, but I don’t like it much. I have an interview next week for a position I can probably get. I also have my network which I can leverage for available opportunities, and I’ve been procrastinating about doing that. If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t want to go back to Finance, I’d prefer to do something else.

The problem is it’s going to take me a while to gain traction on The Next Thing, and I think it’s a practical choice to bridge the gap with gainful employment in the Finance field while that happens, and then transition over to The Next Thing when I’m comfortable that it can comfortably support me.

I know that’s the right call, but I’m still not happy about it. Suspect that I’ll have to do the usual and white knuckle it in the short term to get what I want in the long term. I’ve had plenty of practice doing this, so maybe it’s best to just pull the trigger and get on with it………….

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/5.6
18mm
ISO 1600

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Resistance

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It is the nature of the wise to resist pleasures, but the foolish to be a slave to them.

Status: procrastinating again. I’m at that part of the day, very early in the morning, where I’m full of hope about what the day could be, and then I sink into little self-indulgences designed to provide immediate gratification, but to also delay working on things which will give me fulfillment in the long run.

This is a hard one to get past, and I’m afraid I’m losing the battle. The day goes by, and then a week goes by, and then a month goes by, and I use that lack of completing things to self-flagellate. So, I’m stuck in this cycle of immediate gratifying dopamine hits which provide nothing of long term benefit, and then use that behaviour to beat myself up.

I’ve tried a bunch of different things in order to de-emphasize the former and focus on the latter, and nothing seems to be sticking. So, I have to ask myself: is this really what I want to do? Do I actually want to pursue photography and writing (because at the moment it looks like the answer is No), or should I set it to the side and focus on something else?

I’m being foolish. I think it’s time to make a change…..

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/5
18mm
ISO 3200

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The Road

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Once you realize that the road is the goal and that you are always on the road, not to reach a goal, but to enjoy its beauty and its wisdom, life ceases to be a task and becomes natural and simple, in itself an ecstasy.

Status: feeling more like myself today. Need to reach out to my network for the next opportunity, but I don’t want to. Conventional wisdom would say that this is my pride talking, however I think it is me avoiding the sting of rejection. Well, that’s part of it anyway. There’s more, but perhaps that’s best shared on another day.

The benefit of doing it now is that I find out if there is anything currently available, and if not then I can move onto The Next Thing – make plans and lay out the roadway for it. So, procrastinating and avoiding the pain is only hurting not helping me. Ironically.

Best get on with it, then.

Nikon D3400
1/15 sec
f/5.6
24mm
ISO 12800

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