Thursday Thoughts

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Loneliness is not lack of company, loneliness is lack of purpose.

Status: better. my body is still craving sleep, so it was tough to get up this morning. better than yesterday, though. I’ll do my usual and catch up on some sleep on Friday night. My “OCD” won’t let me do otherwise.

Photography.

The photo I posted on IG and this blog yesterday, titled “Walking at Night”, was picked up by TO Haunted Tours who very kindly asked if they could re-post it with credit on their account. I said, yes. They then applied a filter to it, didn’t know you could do that, and added a short haunted story before reposting on their IG account. It looked good, and I am so happy that it was found by someone and they derived some enjoyment from it. I’ll call that a Win.

Typically positives run in series of threes to balance out the negatives, but I’m so happy with this I think it’s worth all three.

Date.

I have a lot going on here. Multiple opportunities and a confirmed date for Saturday night at a Mexican restaurant called Playa Cabana. It comes highly recommended. A little unsure about the date, though. Met her on a dating app, she has been a little hesitant to share a photo of herself – she posted one briefly to the site, but it was not the best quality, and then she took it down. I typically have not had good results from following through on dates like this. She may be shy, but more than likely she is hiding something, so that’s red flag number one. She has also come across as a little needy over the text messages we’ve been exchanging. That’s red flag number two. Against my better judgement I’m going to follow through and honor my commitment.

(I don’t want to sound negative and taint the outing with a bad attitude, but I’m more curious about my willingness to go on this date. Because I’ve had poor outcomes from similar past experiences, I’m usually not willing to waste my time, or her time, going on dates like this. But, I’m making an exception for this one. Why? Suspect time will tell……..)

Ok, let’s get on with it…….

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 800

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Walking at Night

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Yes I do enjoy walking at night. The world’s a lot more to my liking then, not so loud, not so fast, not so crowded, and a great deal more mysterious.

Status: grotty. full of phlegm. Woke up this morning stuffed to the gills accompanied by a pressure headache. Suspect that continuing to train plus a normal 7 hour per night sleep schedule is not doing my body’s ability to recover any favours. Struggling to start my day as a result; all I want to do is hunker down with a cup of hot tea and a good book instead of getting on with the day. But, I’m way too stubborn for that. (WordPress you’re forcing me to use American spelling by scarring words with Red Death squiggles when I lean towards the British, and proper, spelling. Damn you.)

Radio silence.

My maintenance person is on vacation for the next two weeks, so I suggested to the tenant that we wait until he returns because he knows the unit and I trust him. Offered to source another maintenance person if they wanted these “issues” resolved sooner than that, but my preference was to wait for my regular guy. The response was: silence. I recognise this behaviour because I’ve employed it myself. Antagonistic, I’m-the-victim type language to start and then when I don’t get what I want I throw all of my toys out of the pen by ignoring you and giving you the silent treatment. Yup, I’m way too familiar with that kind of controlling behaviour. Six days into a new tenancy which is meant to last twelve months. This is going to be a long year. The good news is I don’t have to listen to them bellyache for the next two weeks.

Sexting.

Spent last evening exchanging naughty pics with someone I met on one of the dating apps. I have no intention of meeting her in person. Well, I did at the beginning of the interaction, but as time went on it became apparent that she’s one of these Lost Girls with weak boundaries. I’ve dated way too many of those types of girls. They’re fun for short term dating, but are not long term relationship material (heh, and apparently neither am I). It’s uncanny the way that my dysfunction lines up with their dysfunction and how we can find each other so easily. In any case, now that I recognise what is actually happening, what my programming is doing, I can make an informed choice to either accept or pass. I think I’m going to pass on this one.

Ok, sufficiently warmed up now, best get on with the real writing…….

Nikon D3400
1/60 sec
f/4.8
40mm
ISO 1600

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The Law of Three

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Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it. 

Status: sick. not at Death’s Door sick, but still sick. Went to the gym yesterday which probably didn’t help, but better to do that than sit at home and have it niggling away in the background.

Toying with this concept of bad things happening in threes, or a series of three negative events. Perhaps a bit of a negative way of looking at things, but the pattern seems to hold true. Or at least that’s what I want to see. Need to take stock at some point and see if it’s balanced out by three good things. When I have a moment (which means I’m going to set it to the side and then forget all about it until I hit another series of three bad events, where I’ll have this conversation with myself all over again – kinda like Groundhog’s Day, but with less good-looking people).

One.

Sick. Fuck. It’s not the End-of-the-World, but I’m just a little bit uncomfortable at the moment. This too shall pass.

Two.

I have a very high maintenance tenant. They’ve been in the unit for 3 days and have already sent me an extensive laundry list of issues which need to be remediated. Boggles the mind that someone can be smart enough to become a corporate lawyer, but then struggles with operating an air-conditioner, and turning on lights. I’m not even joking. Three-quarters of the list is like this. Instead of asking the question, “How does the <insert-thing-which-I’m-struggling-to-operate> work?” or, “Can you please show me how to operate this piece of equipment?”, I get an antagonistic absolute peppered with colourful invective which is designed to cattle prod me into action.

I’m not sure how much of that I can handle. Briefly entertained evicting the tenant last night. After three days in the unit.

Three.

This might not actually be three, in which case I have one more to look forward to. In any case, walked into The Drake on Saturday afternoon for the date and guess who was working there? Someone I had ongoing relations with for about 18 months, which ended about one year ago. I quite like her, but obviously not enough to continue on with the relationship. So, that was a bit awkward. Reached out via text afterwards to apologise and got a quick, dismissive response (I mean, I think it was dismissive?). She didn’t respond to my follow up. To be expected, I guess.

Not sure if I should feel bad about it, but I do……

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/5.6
52mm
ISO 800

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Good Morning

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Good morning.

Status: good. actually I’m coming down with something. I thought it was just allergies, and I still don’t feel too bad, but I’m really congested this morning. Stuffy and of course using it as an excuse to be unproductive.

Good. Fucking. Weekend.

Reorganising the morning and starting the day like I’m going to the office has made a big difference in terms of mindset and productivity. Yesterday I had enough time to do both photography and some writing. I’ll take the win and build off that.

Date.

Saturday afternoon coffee with a date at The Drake. Awesome place, will need to revisit it at some point. Pleasant enough, but could tell as the conversation progressed that there was no interest. Could feel that she was being nice instead of being genuine during the latter half of the interaction. I could see her dysfunction. It wasn’t something which my dysfunction recognised, so there was no “connection”, no “chemistry”, which means no incentive for me to continue. Got the feeling that she wanted to sell me dominatrix services; the topic come up a little too conveniently in the conversation. In any case, I texted her the following day to say ‘Thanks’ and didn’t receive a response. After everything is said and done, I think that’s all I really need to know.

(I also made a mistake and showed her my IG, and by extension this blog, which I now regret. I have a bad habit of reciprocating when someone divulges way too much personal information too quickly. So, if you’re reading this……Good Morning, comma, winky-smiley-face-emoji.)

Job Offer.

They’re being very long winded with the pre-employment screening process. If my references hadn’t reached out and told me when they were due to speak with the insurance company I’d be a little worries, it’s been almost a week and a half since I provided the references and even heard from them. No matter, it just pushes the start date back and gives me more time to work on my stuff.

Ok. Sufficiently stuffy and blech now, so I’ll leave it here…………..

Nikon D3400
1/125 sec
f/5.3
48mm
ISO 100

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Happy Friday

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And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is’. 

Status: good. tried a new routine this morning. Decided to get up and get moving like I was going into the office. It helped that I was due to be booted from the unit for top-to-bottom cleaning after the construction, so I needed to vacate the space anyway. In any case, I kicked off the day just like I used to when I was still going into an office for work, except without the commute, and then started working after the morning start-of-the-day ritual of shower, food and meditation.

The end result?

Good. No, very good. Excellent. Productive. Very fucking productive. Turns out that the old routine is optimal for me. I guess 20 years of acclimation will do that to a person, or maybe it’s just a good fit for my personality. Finding myself less distracted, or less willing to allow myself to be distracted by things like, I don’t know, a video of a hamster licking his balls on YouTube. You know, high value activities which are a productive use of my time. Also riding a wave of encouragement after having such a good start to the day and very productive morning.

Who knew?

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 800

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Sweet Solitude

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My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude. 

Status: good. not a great day for writing. I did, however, process a few photos including the above capture which I took in -20c weather.

I was sitting in the Library on Tuesday struggling with getting started and saw this potential photo outside the window. So, given I wasn’t making any progress on that front I decided to bin it and grab my camera gear. Too cold to stay outside for too long, and I don’t have right clothing to spend hours outside, I knew I was going to have a very short window to get the shot.

The actual photo I saw in my mind was a slow shutter speed capture of the train as it snaked it’s way up the tracks, but by the time I got there and trudged through the knee high snow, it was time to go back. My fingers were already aching and I couldn’t feel the controls on the camera anymore, so a slow shutter speed shot was out of the question. Still, I was able to get a few decent shots, the above being one.

I’ll have to venture down there again when it gets a little bit warmer and try to get that slow shutter speed shot again. On the upside I learned that I need an ND filter for taking these kinds of shots during the day. I can’t get the aperture and ISO low enough to compensate for the shutter being open for any length of time during the day with my current kit, so I picked up another lesson in the process.

I’ll call that a win.

Nikon D3400
1/500 sec
f/9
18mm
ISO 100

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Mid-week Slump

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Our life is what our thoughts make it.

Status: good. struggled mightily today to get any decent writing done. This journal entry is not being written until late in the day because I chose to focus on busy work and not on the important stuff. I’m questioning my commitment to making this work. Again.

There is of course some other stuff going on. I wasn’t booted from the unit his morning because the construction has been completed, so I stayed at home and slipped back into my old routine. What was the result? Not fucking much. I think I fare a little better when I can treat this like a normal “work” day and get out of the unit. I think I’ll try that tomorrow and see if I have a better result.

Did I talk about my date on Saturday night? Don’t remember. In any case, I had a dinner date with a woman who reached out to me on the dating app. That’s quite rare, I’m usually the one who has to initiate. So, brownie points to her for that. Decent online banter and we spontaneously agreed to meet for dinner on Saturday night at Sabbai Sabbai, a Thai place near me. Because it was short notice all I could get were seats at the bar. This place fills up fast and you need to make reservations in advance, which is the sign of a good place, so I was lucky to even get the bar seats.

She was pleasant enough, but after about 15 minutes she just checked out. We were talking about….schooling? College? Something like that, I think. In any case, I felt her just shut down and pull away. At that point I knew the jig was up and she had lost interest. The rest of the date was pleasant enough, she re-engaged but I knew this was going to be over at the end of the meal. This is, of course, one of the reasons I don’t like having dinner on the first date. I shell out for the meal and then she rides off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

As expected, and I’ll give her some credit for this, the following day she sent me a text which said, “thanks, but we’re not a good match.” I actually appreciated the text, so another brownie point for her, but next time I think I’ll just stick with coffee to see if we are compatible before progressing to a dinner date.

Anyway, it’s all good. Lesson learned. Again.

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/5.6
52mm
ISO 800

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