Street Photography

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My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.

Status: grotty. awake at 3:30am. couldn’t get back to sleep, so got up around 4:30am. sitting here in a pool of fever induced clammy sweat agonising over photos and accompanying captions. Should I just take the day off so I can rest up and get better? Yes. Am I actually going to do that? Nope. I have stuff to do; actually I have a full day and want to squeeze in some writing and photo editing on top of that. I have zero interest in sitting around feeling ill; I’d rather just prop myself up with some aspirin and then get on with It.

Photography.

I’ve had a few good days; actually I was able to take pictures every day over the weekend – Friday to Sunday. Now spending time on the pictures from the 31st, with the 5th, 6th and 7th to follow. Cognisant that time is growing short and I need to consider timing around disposing of the entry level kit before I leave; prefer not to take it back with me, but will keep that option open as a last resort.

The models that I booked for this week have flaked on me, and I think I’ve lost interest in ticking that box. May work on organising that for next week, but I think I’ll be okay with it if I can’t get it done before I leave. I’ll have another bite at that particular apple at some point in the future, but right now I’m enjoying the street photography, so maybe it’s best to stick with that, especially since the weather is getting better.

Date.

M and I are getting together again tomorrow evening for dinner and festivities (or is it me and M? Remember being taught the former in school, but I’ve been seeing people use the latter?). Looking forward to seeing her, but not interested in the partying that will ensue. Don’t get me wrong, I love a debaucherous evening, but not all the time and I’m at that stage of the week when I’m mostly interested in working on my creative projects. Plus I’m clearly sick, so there’s that…….

Writing.

Not much to say on this front other than the photography has taken over. I don’t even have enough energy at the moment to self-flagellate over the lack of writing, which is not a bad thing. As long as I’m being productive with the photography and am not wasting my free time with YT videos and other such time wasters, I’m okay. Will need to revisit this goal because clearly it’s not holding my attention…….

Ok, let’s get on with it.

Nikon D3400
1/200 sec
f/9
55mm
ISO 100

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Late Start

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You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but ultimately, we see what we want to see when we’re ready to see it.

Status: overslept this morning. I don’t feel bad, just a little disappointed that I got such a late start. My OCD is obviously poking at me, “this isn’t how it’s meant to be; you didn’t stick to the schedule and therefore the world has been thrown into chaos, so we have no choice but to throw this day in the bin and try again tomorrow when we can do it properly”. Yeah okay, hold on there……….(I need to give this aspect of myself a name….I think I’ll call it Chuck)….Yeah okay, hold on there CHUCK, you’re being a drama queen. Yes, we got a late start. So what? We were still able to tick the box on one To Do and am now sitting in Balzac’s drinking tea and writing, which is something we always wanted to do. I mean the sitting in Balzac’s doing some writing part, not the drinking tea part. We drink tea all the time……

(Pause)

Ummm, okay that’s a little weird (referring to myself in plural), but I’m still going to call my OCD Chuck (while picturing Jocko Willink and then hesitantly throwing a little Holy Water in his direction, “I anoint thee…”).

Career.

My new boss reached out to me via email yesterday looking to see if I can get an early start on the new job. Specifically, meeting a few people and starting the process of getting up to speed. I still have a month and a half before I start. He’s definitely a Type A personality, which is to be expected given the industry. I need to be prepared that he’ll likely be reaching out to me day and night because his work and life are integrated, there’s no separation therefore there is nothing to balance. Will need to manage this carefully as I have no intention of following suit and plan to utilise my spare time outside of work on writing and photography.

Date.

Reached out to The Tardy One yesterday to tell her I’m leaving Toronto. It only seemed fair to let her know up front that this was happening before she invested any more time in this. We talked about looking for an exclusive long term relationship up front, and I’m okay with that, but if that what she wants then better to let her go and find someone that can provide that locally versus over a distance (and on that note, long distance relationships are bullshit). In any case, she’s game, so we’ll give it a go and see what happens.

Alright, let’s stop there and move onto The Next Thing….

Nikon D3400
1/500 sec
f/14
18mm
ISO 100

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Coffee Dates and Book Sales

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Status: good. still good. (still still good? Or, the still goodness continues. IDFK, I feel good, let’s leave it at that). I honestly feel way too wholesome and want to tear it up with some like-minded female company. I can feel that and other unpleasantness scratching away at the box I placed them in (depression I’m looking at you), but I’ll keep them locked firmly away for now. I promised myself a low key January with no alcohol and I aim to deliver this promise I made to myself. Besides, I suspect that these activities are fueling the unpleasantness and I think this January abstinence will/should confirm my suspicions.

And, I’ve purposely left the said ‘unpleasantness’ vague and undefined so that I can explore in more detail within future posts. It’s messy and complicated, and I need some time to unwind all of it before I slowly drip feed it onto the page.

Coffee date with the bad driver this morning. Our second attempt. Was it worth it? I had the Ethiopian Macchiato Espresso (pictured!) which was yummy, so from that aspect it was definitely worth it. The date itself – meh. She was 15 minutes late, of course. Got the distinct feeling that this girl has nothing going on in her life. Directionless. Throw in a few contradictions around what she does for a living and how she was able to step out of the office mid-morning to drive downtown for coffee, and my common sense is tingling. She’s a lost girl, the type I usually attract. Think I’ll let this one quietly drift away into the ether. I’m not up for dating a lost girl.

Books. Sold. Finally. After the failed first attempt I took them to a new store and had them processed this afternoon. Without getting into dollar values, they offered me 5x the price of the first place. Suspected as much. Also noted that the guy at the first place had swapped the duplicate books between the sale pile and the older more valuable pile which I likely wasn’t going to sell. Sneaky. Was getting this snake vibe from the guy at the first place; happy to see my suspicion confirmed. My instincts are typically quite good, I need to trust them more. Decided to keep the older more valuable books for now, but may change my mind later. At least I’ve found a trustworthy buyer who will give me a good price for them. In any case, it’s done, so that’s another task I can tick off the list.

 

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After A While by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…

 

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Charles Bukowski

“I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being, and I accepted it. It didn’t make for an interesting person. I didn’t want to be interesting, it was too hard. What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone.”

– Charles Bukowski

 

 

 

 

 

Eleanor Roosevelt Quote

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt

 

 

Love

It’s not that people can’t love you if you don’t love yourself. It’s that you won’t feel it because it’ll always seem like you don’t deserve it.