Thursday

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Hey,

I have another post in progress, but am stuck because I still don’t know what I need from this (relationship). I’ve never really asked myself that question, so am a bit lost on how to answer it. All I know right now is that I’d prefer to avoid making past mistakes, and maybe being aware of those mistakes is all I need right now.

So, while I’m trying to figure it out I’m going to take a break from that, a break from this, and start focusing on the things which feed my soul. Like writing.

Well.

Not exactly this kind of writing.

This is meant to be a warm up exercise and a way to get into the habit of writing, so I can work on the actual stories. Still, placing my thoughts down on paper is cathartic, even if it is only meant to be a warm up exercise. Just the act of thinking through events and associated feelings and then articulating them on this blog has reduced my anxiety levels considerably. So, I’ll focus on this kind of writing for now and see how this plays out.

I mean both of us are just adventurous (crazy) enough that maybe we’ll have enough interesting stories to tell and this will turn into the thing that I was supposed to write. The Snake Cabin dock story comes to mind (which is totally going to happen – I want to give this to you, so the Little Man is just going to have to get on board with that).

In any case.

Let’s try an old format.

Status: good. I had a full night’s sleep on Wednesday night for the first time in, oh, 3 weeks? Certainly before I started working. And it felt good. I really needed it. In fact, I’ve been feeling good for the whole (or most) of my first three weeks on the island. I was really dreading being here and expected the move and new environment to push me into depression, but it didn’t. Thanks to you.

Anxiety Levels: surprisingly low. I expected them to be quite high given the move and new job, but that hasn’t been the case. I’ve also been so busy that I’ve stopped meditating, which is something that had a profoundly positive impact on my anxiety levels and yet, I’m okay. Still, this is something else which I’d like to inculcate back into my life.

Career.

Almost three weeks in and I wish I was anywhere but here. My boss keeps hinting at me not sticking around, and maybe he’s right. I was going to give this five years (I mean five years in Finance which might mean staying here for that long), but now I’m not so sure. All I want to do is quit, leave the island, shut out everything and bury my head in the writing. (Part of me wishes that I focused solely on it when I was off work and that I had pushed everything else aside.) In any case, that’s not a practical choice nor is it healthy to single mindedly focus on one thing. I’ve gone down that road before and it led to burnout. Balance is better. That should be the next priority, finding balance in all of the things I have/want to do.

Property.

Looked at a few properties on Tuesday and found one I really liked. Good location, bigger than the existing place with a good view and lots of natural light. I want to pull the trigger on this one, but suspect that I haven’t been with my current employer long enough for a bridge loan (between the sale of one to purchase another). The plan is to sell one place to fund the new one, but I’m now thinking that I may just keep it and rent it out. I mean, the numbers work, so it is doable. The only wrinkle which I haven’t fully considered is the potential purchase of a place in TO; I’m not sure I can do both (or better yet, I’d prefer not to do both because that will make my asset base too property heavy and therefore I’m taking on more risk than I want to). I need to mull this over a bit more – I want to see how our relationship continues to develop.

There’s more, but I think it’s best if I stop here for today…..

 

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Next Steps

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While you were sleeping, someone was missing you.

Hey,

I’ve found that if I don’t get my thoughts and feelings down on paper soon after I experience them then they are lost forever; and if I try to capture them after too much time has passed then they become something else entirely. I’ve basically lost the original experience and am trying to capture those thoughts from memory (Essentially I’ve moved on to other things and have failed to capture that point in time).

I was reminded of that when I read the below post that I started three weeks ago. I had only just travelled back to the island and the change was still fresh and new, and I was missing you terribly.

My intent was to finish it this morning, but the point that I wanted to make with the post is gone, and I’m not the same person that I was three weeks ago (we’ve done and grown so much since then). So, trying to capture that or embellish upon it now will change what is already there, and I wanted to preserve it. Even if it isn’t complete (or perfect) you can get the gist of it, or at the very least see where I was at that point in time and what I was thinking.

I was thinking of you, and us.

I have a lot to say from this past weekend, but wanted to clear this one out before moving onto new journal entries.

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This is my second attempt at writing a new post. Tried to pick this up again yesterday, but just got a little bit too upset, so I it set aside and concentrated on the Task List instead.

Part of the process of writing a blog post is selecting a photo from my library which closely reflects the thing I want to write about, and that’s how it started for me yesterday. Looking at the most recent photos I took before selling the camera, which were all taken with you.

And that was hard. Not because they aren’t pleasant memories, they’re far far away from that, but because we now have this distance between us.

The day we spent in High Park, where we just walked and talked for hours, about everything and nothing, is something which is near and dear to my heart. Sharing myself with others is not something which comes easily for me, but with you it’s different. You’ve always been really patient (with me) and given me enough space to express myself when I’m ready. Being with you has never felt fake or forced; it’s just felt like being at home.

It was the day after our date at the drive-in. It was not planned; it was completely spontaneous. It was also when I first started to realise what this was and how I felt about you. Which is why our subsequent conversation later in the week was so difficult for me – I was having a hard time reconciling the two. I also didn’t want to risk

(and this is where I ended it……)

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Saturday

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I knew you were the one when you walked into my chaos and never left.

Hey,

I wasn’t going to write anything else until next week when I was back on the island. I didn’t want to have my head stuck in a laptop during my last few days here. I wanted to be fully present, so that I could soak up these last few moments and fully experience them. I suspect I’ll need that memory to get me through the next few months as I work on letting go of this chapter in my life and embracing the new one.

But, I need to let go of it otherwise I won’t be able to move forward. I need to (slowly) forget the pain I’m feeling right now, but never forget what the experience taught me. I think I told you that material things hold no value for me; I value relationships and experiences. And the last seven years has been an incredible experience. I’ve learned so much about myself through this experience; I’ve learned so much about myself through the people I’ve met. Even the shitty ones. You know who I’m talking about.

(We accept the love we think we deserve.)

And that experience of loving someone a little too intensely and then losing that love prepared me for this change in my life. The pain from having my insides (my very being) ripped to shreds is a distant memory, and all I remember now is what that experience taught me.

So, knowing that the pain I’m feeling right now won’t last forever, I think I’m ready to face this. I think.

I don’t admit this easily. I’ve never really considered myself to be much of a cryer (because boys don’t cry). I’ve always been able to “switch off” my emotions as easily as snapping my fingers. Friends have seen me do that and commented on it (“dude, what the serious fuck?!”). But, this morning was different; I woke up, made my way to the kitchen and then just burst into tears. It felt strange and alien; I don’t like feeling vulnerable like that. I especially don’t like feeling vulnerable in front people.

Which is prideful, I guess.

I didn’t want to sit here wallowing in my own self-pity (which, I think you know this, annoys the fuck out of me). I didn’t want to be moping around for the rest of the day, so thought it was best to try and process this as best I could, and more importantly focus on being grateful for all of the good things that came from this experience.

One of which is you.

Life happens when you’re busy making plans, and I’m so grateful that life happened. I’m so grateful that we met. You surprised me, in a good way. You gave me exactly what I needed, when I didn’t even know I needed it. It’s almost like you knew what this was before I did. You helped me get out of my own way, so that I could truly see this and embrace it. So that I could see this wonderful person standing in front of me.

I’m grateful that you did that for me. It’s a precious memory which I’ll always carry close to me.

Alright. Feeling better now. Time to start the day.

 

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The Fear of Change

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If she doesn’t scare the hell out of you a little, she’s not the one.

Status: good. better than good. happier than I’ve been in a very long time.

Anxiety levels: high. In less than a week my life will change. It’s the unknown which I fear the most. Will it be as good as the life that I have now?

On the subject of change, this blog will also change. It has to. Life circumstances dictate. Because that’s life. Forever changing, never permanent. Up until now I was writing this for me, and only me. What started out as a tool for learning how to write, learning how to inculcate the process into my life, has morphed into something which is a bit more cathartic; a way to organise and process my unvarnished thoughts.

And then I shared this with someone I know.

I regret doing that, however it did highlight a few things for me. My internal dialogue, as represented on these blog posts, is much more acerbic than I realised. And, I’m not actually processing my thoughts, I’m just doing a brain dump into a blog post. It’s helpful, but it would have been more helpful if I actually thought about what I was feeling and experiencing before recording it. I mean, I kinda sorta knew that was the case (and didn’t want to admit it to myself), but I didn’t fully realise it until I could see it through her eyes.

How does that quote read?

“If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?”

So, it’s time to change that, which is quite timely given all of the other things which are changing in my life. And I think I can start that here. Rather than continue with the acerbic internal dialogue capture, which has reached the end of its useful life, I’m going to write these posts for just one person. I’m going to write these posts TO just one person.

I’m going to write these letters to you.

I’ll continue to be honest, but the tone of the posts will change. You’ve given me something which is quite precious and I intend to take good care of it. I promise.

The frequency of these posts is going to change as well. The career move dictates. But, my goal is to post at least three times a week, more if time allows.

The photo capture and accompanying caption is a metaphor for the upcoming changes, but you were right in your text message yesterday. The original post on IG was about you, was about us, and even though it scares me a little I think it’s worth the risk. I think you’re worth the risk……..

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/4.8
38mm
ISO 100

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Walking at Night

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Yes I do enjoy walking at night. The world’s a lot more to my liking then, not so loud, not so fast, not so crowded, and a great deal more mysterious. 

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 800

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Fast Starts

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Status: good, better night’s sleep, but still had a late start to the day and then chose to hit the gym in the morning which pushed everything back into the afternoon. I’m now sitting here trying to wrap my head around writing something, anything, just to feel productive, and also to start processing the events of the last week.

Anxiety levels: climbing. I’m leaving a week on Monday and I’m starting to feel the pressure.

Photography.

Processed a bunch of photos last night and hated all of them. I appreciate that I’m tired and also had a hangover to contend with, which contributed to my negative view of them, but still. They can’t all be bad. In any case, I’ll continue working through the backlog and hopefully have a chance to complete a few more items off the shot list before I give the camera equipment to the new owner.

Writing.

I mean, see below. I need to grab this bull by the horns, but that likely won’t happen this weekend. I typically don’t write on the weekends, and this one is going to be very busy…….

M.

Last night was the first night in the last few where she didn’t spend the night. Truthfully, I needed the uninterrupted sleep. Getting used to someone else in bed beside me is a bit of a process; I suppose there is a bit of anxiety there, a combination of not wanting to disturb her while she slept and also allowing someone to get that close to me. Resulting in more catnapping than anything else.

…..

Originally started this blog post on Friday and continued it into Saturday; a combination of slowly processing the events of the last week and just being distracted by this new person in my life.

It’s now Sunday and I’m sitting on the couch at home with M beside me wearing one of my favourite oversized pajama hoodies, while both of us do some work on our laptops. She is catching up on a few overdue items and preparing for Monday morning, and I’m trying to finish this blog post. She doesn’t know that I’m writing this.

This has escalated quickly; we’ve gone from dating to almost living together. The plan was to spend part of Saturday and Sunday together with a sleepover on Saturday night, but we’ve been inseparable since Noon yesterday and she is spending the night again tonight with plans to stay over tomorrow night as well.

I couldn’t be happier.

Yesterday she showed up at my door with two sets of tulips (which now sit in vases on the living room coffee table and beside the couch) and macaroons. I’ve never had anyone do something like that for me before. So very impressed by this person and am feeling very glad that I gave her a chance rather than do what I’ve done a million times before: give them the quick hook when they breach a boundary.

In any case, more to come…………

 

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Date Night and Photography

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Status: hungover. sorta, kinda in a place where I can do some writing, but not really. Fussed around with selecting a photo to post from the catalogue and then gave up because I couldn’t find anything I liked, not to mention that I couldn’t find the right caption to pair with the photo or with what’s been happening over the last few days.

And what’s been happening? Well, not alot of writing, that’s what.

M.

This interaction has taken center stage and pushed everything else to the side. I thought I was done with this modus operandi, but perhaps not. I specifically remember telling myself that The Mission is the most important thing and that I wasn’t interested in a romantic partner distracting me from the things that I want to do, the things which are fulfilling and important to me.

But, life happens when you are busy making plans. Time spent with M has escalated drastically over the last few days. We have only two weeks left before I move onto The Next Chapter and we’re trying to make the most of the little time we have left together. This has resulted in us spending most of Sunday night together, all of Monday afternoon and night when she slept over, and then date night last night for dinner, drinks and another sleepover.

So, we’ve seen quite a lot of each other over the last few days, and I couldn’t be happier.

There is still quite alot to process – it’s moving so quickly that I’m barely able to keep up with it. Including how I feel about this, and about her. But, maybe the best place to start is the Thank You note I sent to M on Monday morning after our Sunday outing:

“Hey M, I had alot of fun as well. I was going to write up a proper thank you later on when I wasn’t wearing my sleepy face, but where words fail I hope actions do my thoughts justice.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for last night; that’s a special memory which I’ll carry with me always. You made me feel like a very special person, and for that I can’t thank you enough.

But I’m going to try.”

I was almost in tears when writing this on Monday morning, and perhaps that’s all I really need to know. I don’t need to overthink this; the simple truth is that she has touched me in a way that very few people have, and I’m grateful for that.

More to come……..

Photography.

The camera equipment has been sold in its entirety and the buyer will collect the whole pack next week, just before I leave. Closing the chapter on this aspect of myself feels strange, almost like I’m giving away a piece of myself which I use for self expression. I’ll be voiceless in the interim, but will pick it up again once I am settled back on the island and am in a position to source some new, better equipment. Which is likely going to happen by the end of the summer.

This is actually distressing me a little bit more than I thought. This avenue through which I express myself has become an important part of me and my wellbeing……..I didn’t realise that until just now.

 

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