Relationships

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And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in.

Nikon D3400
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Introversion and Pair Bonding

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Let people feel the weight of who you are and then let them deal with it. 

Status: better. not sure exactly why I insist on getting up at 5am, especially after yesterday. I think I would’ve been better off sleeping through (or at least sleeping in a bit later), so that I can replenish the stores, so to speak.

Anxiety levels: climbing. Must. Do. Shit.

Date.

Got together with G yesterday for a tour of Stackt and then a little stroll down King West followed by dinner. Forgot that there is an older section of the strip with the worst restaurants known to Man, and that is where we ended up dining. Piss Poor Planning at its finest.

The company was good, but I was tired and also distracted by the previous evening with M. Not sure I really gave G my best as a result, and that’s one of the problems when it comes to entertaining multiple suitors. I really needed some alone time away from people to recharge my batteries after a big night out; I could feel myself drifting away from her as the evening wore on and my energy levels dipped. I’ve noticed that as energy levels ebb, any interaction with someone (anyone) becomes abrasive – they’re asking me to give them something that I don’t have; it feels like I’m scraping off pieces from the edge of my soul to give to the person, and that’s painful. I get a little crabby as a result. That’s not fair on G, or anyone for that matter. I need to do a better job of managing that aspect of myself.

Photography.

Ticked off another item from the shot list yesterday. Keep forgetting how close everything is, and I also seem to get stuck inside, a slave to my schedule. In any case, with the latest set of pictures, I now have plenty of raw images to edit. That’ll keep me busy for a while. Full expect that I won’t be finished editing by the time I relocate, and that’s fine. I’ve decided that I’m going to re-list the equipment early next week at an attractive price, so hopefully I’ll be able to move it quickly.

Writing.

Despite the fact that I haven’t been working on my stories, I have been religiously posting to this blog. I’m well over 2k words per week, and I’ve been doing that consistently since the middle of December. I’d say that’s a trend worth celebrating. This is one of the things that I really enjoy doing, and maybe I need to view this as the thing that I’m writing instead of the stories. It’s certainly congruent with my (current) preferred writing style: plan, outline, flesh out and then edit.

And that’s one of the lessons that I’ve learned. I was doing that instinctively with the blog, which given I’m living the experience made it easy to stay consistent and produce a decent word count. I didn’t do that with the speculative fiction; I followed the Steve King method, which is to wing it and allow the story to lead that way. That’s not working for me, and not all writers work that way either. I need the planning and outlining parts of the process to be productive, without them I drift and don’t know where to start. That’s also true in my Finance job, I need the structure there as well – I should have seen this earlier, but now it makes sense.

In any case, that was a good epiphanous moment and is one of the reasons that I keep this blog and do the work. So that I can learn lessons like this.

M.

I feel the need to write something here, but I’m not sure I’ve finished processing what she told me on Wednesday night. I also don’t want to lose this moment and the words that I have at the tip of my fingers right now. If I leave it for later when I’ve had time to mull it over some more then this moment will pass, and the words along with it.

So.

Maybe I can do this in pieces. (I mean, who’s reading this fucking thing anyway).

I left her alone all day yesterday and late into the evening. Spending time with G helped keep me occupied enough so that I wasn’t tempted to reach out earlier. We’ve spent just enough time together that I can feel her imprinting upon me – I think they call it pair bonding (well done with the clinical description, bro). The good news is that I’m recognising it for what it is and can hopefully manage it accordingly……still, that’s a mighty strong pull.

I’m a little concerned as I transition from this chapter to the next that it’ll distract me from The Mission. I mean, I need to stay fully focused on The Next Thing as I get up to speed with the new job, and work on the objectives they’ll want me to complete for the remainder of the year. I could really do without being preoccupied by this fully awesome person I met.

Still…..

I like her.

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They’ll Make Great Leaders And 5 Other Things You Should Know About Introverted Kids

Say what you will about “The Good Old Days” (and do it while shaking a cane — it works better), but there was a time when the strong silent type commanded respect. But, lately, society has decided that the loudest voices belong to the kinds of people who have upper management written all over them. And if your kid’s more of a wallflower, they might feel pressure to act like someone they’re not. But, is being an introvert really such a bad thing?

According to Heidi Kasevich, Ph.D and Director of Quiet Education (part of Susan Cain’s Quiet Revolution) — no, no it’s not. The whole reason her organization exists is to “unlock the power of introverts for the benefit of us all.” Kasevich stresses there is a lot parents need to know about raising their introverted children, but it starts by not assuming introversion is some kind of handicap.

“It’s so easy for a parent of an introverted child to hear other people saying about their kid ‘He’s so shy, or so sensitive … or needs to speak up more,’” says Kasevich. “Or they feel guilty if their quiet kid’s preference is to spend time alone. And that can be really hard.”

Here’s why your “shy” kid might just be a pillar of quiet strength.

Extroversion vs Introversion
The karaoke test is always good for identifying an extrovert or an introvert. The guy reaching for the mic — that’s the extrovert. The one sitting down, praying for his rendition of “Hit Me Baby, One More Time,” to be over — that’s the introvert. But learning which category your child falls under can be more difficult to determine, because they haven’t fully formed their personality yet. And you can’t bring them to the karaoke bar yet. “The fundamental difference [between introverts and extroverts] is sensitivity to stimulation,” says Kasevich. “Introverts feel more alive, happy, and at an equilibrium in a quiet, minimally stimulating environments. Whereas extroverts require more stimulation to reach their optimal zone, and can feel bored and listless if there’s not enough stimulation around.”

Also, extroverts seek out competitiveness, while introverts couldn’t care less about a participation trophy. “The dopamine system of introverts is not as active as that in extroverts when they see external rewards,” she says. “Introverts are less energized by the promise, or taking a chance on, winning.”

Being An Introvert Does Not Mean You’re Shy
“Shyness can be a very painful fear of social judgement — both introverts and extroverts can be shy,” says Kasevich. ”Introverts are more often labeled as being shy, and when they are already having a fear of social interaction, that label can just make things worse.”

The takeaway here is that shy people are afraid of being judged, while a lot introverts don’t have self-confidence issues, they’re just quiet. For example: Bill Gates is a non-shy introvert. He doesn’t really care what you think of him, and he felt that way long before he had a billion dollars to back him up. Barbara Streisand is a shy extrovert: She’s a commanding presence in Funny Girl, but has terrible stage fright. So, don’t assume that just because someone isn’t speaking it means they’re uncomfortable around people. And, conversely, don’t assume just because they’re wearing a lampshade on their head they don’t fear social judgment.

Get Your Kid A Bridge Friend
An introvert may also have a tendency to want to be in smaller groups, or keep a close friend, rather than maintain a big social network. This close friend can serve as almost a living security blanket for your child.

“We call them bridge friends,” says Kasevich. “If your introverted child is trying something new, you can bring that bridge friend along, knowing that he/she makes your child feel more comfortable. It’s important to honor that tendency, and not force them in another direction. And not looking upon that as a deficient, but something to be celebrated.” Just maybe don’t call the other kid a “bridge friend” to their face.

Here’s What You Should Be Telling Your Quiet Child
If you’re at a loss on how to encourage an introvert Kasevich points out that you can easily reengineer common phrases to turn their laconic frown upside down: “‘She’s so sensitive’ could be ‘She cares about how people feel,’ or ‘She doesn’t make friends easily’ could be, ‘She takes time to get to know people really well.’”

You can also tell them that people with their personality have been leaders like Gandhi, Warren Buffett, Abraham Lincoln … Courtney Cox! “Introverts tend to be cautious decision makers; more mild mannered, more contemplative, thinking before they speak, great listeners” she stresses. “These are all excellent leadership skills, and serve as huge huge asset.”

Give Them A Long Runway
You don’t need to change who your kid is, but you do need to acclimate them to the world. Over time, parents can have a positive impact on how their kids handle over-stimulation. “Think of it literally as an airplane runway,” says Kasevich. “That feeling of flying into LGA and the brakes go on really fast and it sends you into a panic. A longer runway makes for a much calmer landing.”

Excellent advice for pilots, but how does it apply to your parenting style? Kasevich says you should try role-playing with your child in social-situation dress rehearsals. “If your child is going to be called upon in class, rehearse with them what they are going to say over dinner,” she says. “Or for a birthday, arrive early and talk about what’s going to happen. Giving a preview of the event can help an introverted child deal with that fear of the new, or retreating to the sidelines.”

Give Them Time To Reboot
There’s only so much light, noise, and listening to teachers that your kid can take. Learn to recognize when they’ve had enough. “If it’s been a busy week, perhaps don’t see that movie, or go to brunch on the weekend,” Kasevich suggests. “It’s acknowledging the child literally needs time to recharge. Down the road, the children will figure out for themselves they need to manage their own energy. But if they want to go read a book by themselves for an hour, that’s ok.”

Of course all kids are on a spectrum of introversion and extroversion. You may have a confident introvert. You can also get a shy extrovert. And then, in rare cases, you get Donald Trump.