Imperfections

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Imperfections are attractive when their owners are happy with them. 

Status: good. still good. Typically this is the first day that I’m starting to feel like myself after partying on Saturday night. Three days to catch up on sleep and completely recover. That’s too much.

I’m not writing. Other than this blog I haven’t been writing. Thinking that maybe I should stop beating my head against this wall and do something else. It’s getting underfoot. I’m sitting here waiting to start and then never starting. That’s time which could be spent doing something else. I still feel like I have it in me, but maybe I should focus on something else in the meantime.

Updated offer came through from the Insurance company. It’s good. It’s real good. I’m still going to try and drag this out a little bit so that I can enjoy some more freedom from the corporate grind. Aim to accept the offer on Friday. That’ll also give me extra time to field an offer from my network contact which has been a little slow in materialising. At this stage I’m mostly just curious about the contents of the offer. It would have to be materially better than what the Insurance company has offered for me to backtrack.

Date yesterday went okay. She’s definitely a very Earthy hippy. We vibed well, but she is definitely not my type. Pleasantly surprised to find out that she isn’t a hardcore partier, but she is definitely one of these Lost Girls. Having been a Lost Boy myself it’s a case of the Devil recognising one of His own. Not really interested in seeing her again, but she has just texted me to say, “you have nice energy!”. Dead surprised that she’s interested at all.

In the meantime, I have another date this evening. She seems normal. We’ll see.

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 100

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Signs

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You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but ultimately, we see what we want to see when we’re ready to see it.

Status: awake. empty. struggling to start. Spent way too long selecting a photo for the post this morning. Agonising over which one is “just right”. Up at 5:30 am, but didn’t make a real start until 7:30. Suspect that I need to adjust my expectations; hitting the ground running at 5:31 am is unrealistic. Spent too much time hitting the dopamine button with YT videos. As usual. Think that my priority is self-flagellation and not fulfilment. Becoming a little frustrated with myself and perhaps this is a sign that I need to adjust my day, so that I can make it easier on myself to get into the “flow”.

I’m not big on resolutions, but I’m determined to make this writing thing work. So, my goal is 500 words a day (not including journal posts), 5 days a week. Commitment, execution. I can be disciplined enough to devote time everyday to go to the gym, then I can be disciplined enough to devote time everyday to writing. It’s just that simple and that hard.

One other thing I want to do. Sober January. No alcohol for the whole month. Slightly concerned because I like my Saturday nights for a little partying, and I can’t remember the last time I actually stayed in on a Saturday night and didn’t drink. We could be looking at 30 years ago, so the behaviour is well ingrained. In any case, let’s see how this plays out. The primary purpose is the hangover really disrupts my forward momentum, and it takes a few days to kick start it again. And I use it as an excuse to not do things like write. If I remove the impediment then in theory I won’t have an excuse to not do any writing. Let’s see if that’s true.

Dating. Connected with someone over the Christmas break and exchanged numbers so that we could firm up plans to meet. Red flags aplenty. Her profile says that communication is of paramount importance, however the paucity of her correspondence to date says otherwise. She told me about a “stalker” from the dating site; starting off the interaction with a negative is not a great way to start, and given the tone of our interaction I’m getting the feeling that she’s pretty self-centered and therefore likely strung this guy along. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour, of course, however I suspect that this is a recurring theme and she is unconsciously selecting needy types who feed her self-centered pathology. Perhaps I’m being a little bit unfair, but I’ve seen this before. I’ve seen this a few times, actually, and have been burned by it. I think it’s best if I just let this one go.

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/5
18mm
ISO 100

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Procrastination

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Be proud of who you are, and not ashamed of how someone else sees you. 

Status: procrastinating heavily. The Christmas holiday really knocked my train off the tracks. I’m not only feeling sluggish, but also allowing just about everything to distract me.

Suspect that I should lower expectations and just focus on pushing out a few words. A little stuck with the progression of the story – not sure what happens next. I think I’ll just clear my mind and do a brain dump. Hopefully something useful will come out of it.

I mean, I do enjoy the process of writing, right? RIGHT?! I’m looking at you, man in the mirror. Not sure why I allow myself to become intimidated by the story. Just relax, let it flow. Focus on the things which get you into the flow of writing, like this journal.

So, I finally connected with my second network contact yesterday. Good conversation, he has something for me in Halifax. I’m due to speak with the MD of that office in the New Year and we’ll see if we can make this work. Not sure exactly what the position will be, but I think he intimated that salary level may be lower than I’m used to. Could be reading too much into this, but let’s not set expectations too high and we’ll pick this up next week.

Job offer looks imminent from the insurance company. They’ve started discussing salary to see if it’s a good fit. So, not a firm offer, but as long as we can agree on compensation levels then that should be the last hurdle before receiving an offer. Initial exploratory compensation pitch is not bad, but I think I can push them to offer more. To be honest, part of me doesn’t want the job, so I have no issue with approaching it like I have nothing to lose. This might not be the smart play; it’s a good opportunity, I think I should just land it and use it as an interim stepping stone to The Next Thing.

Whatever that shall be………

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/16
38mm
ISO 100

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Seizing Opportunities

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Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.

Status: feeling better. Slept ok. Awake before the alarm went off at 5am, but decided to lounge for the last 30 mins and wait for the alarm. If you can call 4:30am lounging.

Ventured out into the early morning cold this morning to complete one of my photography projects. The world looks much different at that time of the morning, and was way busier (at 6am) than I expected. Dead surprised to see a trio walking down the road eating freshly made pizza out of a pizza box at that time of the morning. I actually smelled the pizza before I saw them. Were they starting their day or just ending their evening? What pizza place is open and serving piping hot fare at that time of the morning? Suspect that I’ll never know the answer to these questions.

Quote came back for the books. I can’t tell if the buyer was being serious or just taking the piss. I assumed the latter and submitted a counter offer, pulling all of the more valuable books from consideration. I don’t need to sell all of them, just enough of them to lighten the load for travelling and the number of items really worth something is small in number, so I can afford to hold onto them for now.

Heard back from one of my contacts overnight. Better response than expected and we’ll connect in the New Year, which is reasonable. I’m not really expecting much to come from this, but planting the seed now may bear fruit later on which I think is a much more realistic expectation.

Third interview this afternoon. We’ll see if an offer follows the discussion. Shouldn’t count my chickens before they hatch, but it certainly feels like this may be the case. The next question is: do I really want it?

It’s looking like a productive day.

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 100

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The Struggle

20181202-DSC_0071But I have infinite tenderness for you. I always will.

Status: embracing the sickness and feeling grotty with a head full of cotton. I can’t guarantee that this is completely due to the cold and may also be the result of a poor night’s sleep.

I haven’t hit my word quota for today and instead opted to numb myself with YouTube videos this morning, and then hated myself afterwards for doing it. Nothing accompanies being sick like a little bit of self-loathing. I’m going to sound like a bit of a broken record, but if I’m not serious about my writing, then I need to put it down and focus on something else.

I’m honestly losing a little bit of patience with my inability to sit down and just get on with it. Better yet, I’m getting frustrated with my inability to understand WHY I don’t sit down and just get on with it. There has to be more to it than the self punishment aspect, I don’ hate myself that much.

In any case, while I couldn’t focus on the creative writing, I did complete another item on my task list which leaves me with the photography projects as the last item on the list (I have four separate projects contained within one line item). I reached out to a select few people in my network, so let’s see what kind of response I get. And for a bonus round, I’ve also sent two general applications to a couple of companies for consideration.

I’ve also been called in for a third interview, which I expected would happen, and we’ve scheduled that for tomorrow. Truthfully, I wanted to postpone it to the end of the week in hopes that I could drag it into the New Year, but I had second thoughts and just decided to get it out of the way. And I think that speaks volumes about my interest in this position. In any case, let’s see how this plays out.

Onward and upward…….

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/5.6
36mm
ISO 100

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Light Troubles

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Light troubles speak; the weighty are struck dumb.

Status: sick. Pounding echinacea in the hope that I can avoid the worst of it. Tonight is my out-and-about night, but staying home and resting is probably the best play. Is that going to happen? Knowing me, unlikely. I’ll just prop myself up with Advil and stick to the schedule. Compulsion, my old friend.

A flurry of activity yesterday and I was able to complete one item on the task list, tee up another for completion on Sunday and write 751 words. A good effort. Celebrate the victory and do it again today.

These are however the light troubles. The ones I can solve on my own as I long as I get out of my own head and get out of my own way. I’ll need to take responsibility for the weightier items at some point, and I expect that’ll be a steeper hill to climb.

But first, rest.

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 400

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Being Yourself

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Be content to seem what you really are.

Status: procrastinating. Looking for the immediate dopamine hit versus delaying gratification and focusing on completing my task list (which will lead to satisfaction and fulfillment). This is a trend.

Or maybe a sign that I should be doing something else?

Read a blurb from Charles Bukowski which said: if it doesn’t come roaring out of you like a fire then don’t do it.

Stephen King said something very similar in his book, On Writing. He tells the story of his youngest son’s desire to become a saxophonist after hearing Clarence Clemons playing in a music video. His son was given a sax and lessons and then proceeded to do the bare minimum, attending classes and that’s it. He lost interest in it a few months later.

There’s nothing wrong with trying something on for size to see if it fits, I love trying new things, but if it’s not working, if I’m having a hard time staying motivated to do it then perhaps it’s time to set it aside and move onto other things. Sometimes the idea of doing something is sweeter than the actual doing, and when that becomes apparent then it’s time to purge the idea and try something else.

What can I start purging?

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 200

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