Coffee Dates and Book Sales

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Status: good. still good. (still still good? Or, the still goodness continues. IDFK, I feel good, let’s leave it at that). I honestly feel way too wholesome and want to tear it up with some like-minded female company. I can feel that and other unpleasantness scratching away at the box I placed them in (depression I’m looking at you), but I’ll keep them locked firmly away for now. I promised myself a low key January with no alcohol and I aim to deliver this promise I made to myself. Besides, I suspect that these activities are fueling the unpleasantness and I think this January abstinence will/should confirm my suspicions.

And, I’ve purposely left the said ‘unpleasantness’ vague and undefined so that I can explore in more detail within future posts. It’s messy and complicated, and I need some time to unwind all of it before I slowly drip feed it onto the page.

Coffee date with the bad driver this morning. Our second attempt. Was it worth it? I had the Ethiopian Macchiato Espresso (pictured!) which was yummy, so from that aspect it was definitely worth it. The date itself – meh. She was 15 minutes late, of course. Got the distinct feeling that this girl has nothing going on in her life. Directionless. Throw in a few contradictions around what she does for a living and how she was able to step out of the office mid-morning to drive downtown for coffee, and my common sense is tingling. She’s a lost girl, the type I usually attract. Think I’ll let this one quietly drift away into the ether. I’m not up for dating a lost girl.

Books. Sold. Finally. After the failed first attempt I took them to a new store and had them processed this afternoon. Without getting into dollar values, they offered me 5x the price of the first place. Suspected as much. Also noted that the guy at the first place had swapped the duplicate books between the sale pile and the older more valuable pile which I likely wasn’t going to sell. Sneaky. Was getting this snake vibe from the guy at the first place; happy to see my suspicion confirmed. My instincts are typically quite good, I need to trust them more. Decided to keep the older more valuable books for now, but may change my mind later. At least I’ve found a trustworthy buyer who will give me a good price for them. In any case, it’s done, so that’s another task I can tick off the list.

 

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Resistance

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It is the nature of the wise to resist pleasures, but the foolish to be a slave to them.

Status: procrastinating again. I’m at that part of the day, very early in the morning, where I’m full of hope about what the day could be, and then I sink into little self-indulgences designed to provide immediate gratification, but to also delay working on things which will give me fulfillment in the long run.

This is a hard one to get past, and I’m afraid I’m losing the battle. The day goes by, and then a week goes by, and then a month goes by, and I use that lack of completing things to self-flagellate. So, I’m stuck in this cycle of immediate gratifying dopamine hits which provide nothing of long term benefit, and then use that behaviour to beat myself up.

I’ve tried a bunch of different things in order to de-emphasize the former and focus on the latter, and nothing seems to be sticking. So, I have to ask myself: is this really what I want to do? Do I actually want to pursue photography and writing (because at the moment it looks like the answer is No), or should I set it to the side and focus on something else?

I’m being foolish. I think it’s time to make a change…..

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/5
18mm
ISO 3200

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Neon and Early Mornings

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Lord, please help me find the strength to remain chaste…….but not today.

Status: tired, low energy. Awake at 2pm and couldn’t get back to sleep, so decided to give up around 4am and just start my day. Upside, downside. The early start gives me extra time to work on my task list for the day, however because I’m dragging my feet I’m not really capitalising on the extra time, so it’s a wash.

Suspect that this is a “hangover” from yesterday, which was not a good one. I’m feeling generally better today, but yesterday my depression was getting the better of me and it usually takes me a day or two to pull myself up from the depths and shake it off when that happens.

White-knuckling it at it’s finest. I really shouldn’t do that, I think it’d be better if I talk to someone.

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/5
18mm
ISO 3200

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Why Are Writers Crazy?

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Photo by Kasuma on Pexels.com

The isolation of working on my own is is something I’ve been wrestling with for some time, the last four years to be specific. I came across this post from Scott Snyder on Twitter which sums it up perfectly, so I thought I’d post it here:

“The other day when I was doing a Q & A, someone asked a version of the classic question, “why writers are so crazy? Is it a prerequisite?” I ran out of time before I could answer, but been meaning to post some thoughts as this is something i struggle with myself.

The thing with writing is that you spend all day alone, and to make something meaningful to you, you often have to spend that time staring at and exploring things that matter to you – things you hope for, things you’re deeply afraid of. About the world. About yourself.

If you do it professionally, no other job, you usually don’t see anyone all day. No social regulators. It’s an amazing thing, and there’s no better job, but it can also become an echo chamber, and lead to self destructive patterns b/c of the the material and the social isolation.

I don’t say this to excuse any bad behavior. On the contrary, I’m speaking more to aspiring writers more than anything, because I wish more writers had talked to me about this when I started. Over the years, I have admittedly gone down some dark rabbit holes with it

gotten lost in my head, been destructive to myself and people I care about, and I’ve tried to be pretty open about battles with depression and anxiety here. For me the bottom line is this: be aware of the pitfalls of writing. Because there’s NO romance in being the crazy writer.

None. Getting yourself into a black place, being cruel to yourself or those around you doesn’t help your writing. Write what scares you, what inspires you, be unflinching, but also make sure to get out of your own head, take care of those around you, and yourself.

sorry for the length of this thread, it’s just something I wish I’d understood better at when I was younger (and still struggle with sometimes) and see romanticized or excused sometimes in a way that I worry stops people from getting healthy”

I can especially relate to his thoughts on getting lost in my own head and creating an impenetrable echo chamber. There are periods of time when I don’t interact with anyone in a meaningful way, sometimes for days at a time, and that’s when the dark thoughts creep in. I lose that third party perspective. The shadows in the corner of the room start to take on oppressive qualities, and the plans that they have for me are……(struggling to come up with the right word here)….destructive.

I’m finding that the only way (or at least the only way for me) is to get out of the house and put myself in social situations, no matter how uncomfortable or how much social anxiety I feel. If I don’t, then I lose that social perspective and end up feeling weird all the time, which I think is not really conducive to good writing. It’s makes my thoughts way too dark and it comes out in my writing.

It’s not necessarily all gloom and doom, however it is something I need to manage carefully going forward….

 

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Eckhart Tolle Quote

“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” – Eckhart Tolle

 

 

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