Self-love

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Try to love yourself as much as you want someone else to.

 Status: good. procrastinating. Actually, I’m not procrastinating, it’s pain avoidance. I’m not sure where to start, so I lean on the default. It’s a new thing, so it’s difficult. It’s a new thing, which means I’m not very good at it. Combine all of those things together and the end result is something that I’m not enjoying very much. I’m focusing on the immediate when I should be playing the long game and focusing on completing the task, which includes learning the lessons I need to learn in order to be more competent on subsequent attempts. I think enjoyment will come from these iterative attempts, and increase as I get better at it.

I think I just had a bit of a lucid moment there. Don’t worry, it won’t happen again.

Ok, date this evening with the tattooed lady. Do I want to do this? Nope. Part of me hope she cancels. Spider sense tingling. I’ve said, “Fuck it” and just done it more times than I can count over the course of my life. I think I’ve reached my upper threshold of ‘Fuck its’. But, maybe just this last one……..

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 400

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Fulfillment

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Hi, I’m looking for fulfillment. Something which will make me feel that sense of human purpose we see in the cinema. That joie de vivre I see on model’s faces in the mall, that raison d’être mums pushing prams radiate. I’ve been looking through electronic alleyways and have yet to find it. Can you help me?

Status: guess what I did this morning? Yup, that’s right. Business as usual. Need to re-rationalise my schedule because this isn’t working and I’m just using it as a way to punish myself.

On a positive note I did clear out some admin stuff this morning which I was unable to address yesterday because of my ISP’s email issues. So, that’s done.

I had a date scheduled for Tuesday which I ended up cancelling. I’m learning to trust my instincts and there was something that just wasn’t right with this person. So, she reached out to me on the dating app (which is very rare), was available to meet right away, and could accommodate me during the day but was unavailable in the evening. Heavily tattooed – to the point that there’s no way she could ever get a “real” job. She told me that she’s “mostly a yoga instructor”. So, what do you do with the rest of your free time, I asked. “I manage a tattoo shop and work with cannabis LPs”, whatever the latter means. And she dances as a hobby, it seems. Legit dancing she tells me.

I don’t know. At the very least she’s seems a bit too “Earthy” for me. I’m not 420 friendly, and after my last experience dating someone who was, I think I’ll pass. My last date used to show up baked to the point that she couldn’t even interact with me. I was basically on the date by myself because she was checked out, the lights were on but no one was home.

Yeah, I think I’ll give this one a miss.

Nikon D3400
1/60 sec
f/6.3
55mm
ISO 1600

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Change

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Look back over the past, with its changing empires that rose and fell, and you can foresee the future, too.

Status: good. better than good, actually. Sitting quietly in an Indigo doing some writing. Needed a change of scenery from the Library. Which I immediately regretted doing when I arrived in the store because I forgot they play music. Not the obnoxious type, but distracting enough. So, I’ve opted for a Shingo Nakamura mix through my headphones instead.

Good enough.

The insurance company has gone quiet. We agreed compensation pending clarification on one aspect of the package. This wasn’t an offer, but pre-negotiation, I guess. They haven’t asked for references or conducted a background check. I was expecting that final aspect on Monday when the HR Manager was back in the office post break, but that hasn’t happened. Am I worried? I think I’ve set an expectation in my mind and the reality is not congruent with that expectation. The dissonance is creating discomfort. I can’t control this outcome, so best to focus on the things I can control.

Had an offer on the place yesterday. Not sure if this guy is taking the piss, but he low balled the offer and then asked me to install a TV in the living room and bedroom. He’s acting like he has nothing to lose, and therefore not sure I can take it seriously. Maybe it’s just best to play the game. Not all that enthused about entertaining an offer from a potential high-maintenance tenant, but it’ll cost me little at this stage. So, I’ve rejected the TV request and asked the realtor to confirm current market levels. If it’s below market then I’m going to counter at market.

Alright, let’s get to it…………..

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/16
22mm
ISO 100

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Dating

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It hurts when you have someone in your heart but you can’t have them in your arms. 

Status: good. really good. Attempting to traverse the month of January without consuming any alcohol. No more alcohol when I’m out-and-about on Saturday night – my one night out for the week. It’s been at least 10 years since I had a hangover free Sunday, and it felt good. It also felt good to head into the week without dragging my feet.

Did I do any writing yesterday? Nope. Didn’t even do any journaling. In the past I’ve blamed this lack of productivity on the post weekend festivities, but I can see that might not actually be the case. I’m thinking that this is more of a discipline issue. If I can carve out time from my day to go to the gym, then I can set aside some time to write. Need to re-think my approach on this front.

I was supposed to have a date over the weekend. We agreed to meet on Sunday for coffee. I was ready a little early, so texted to let her know that I was going to the café now and that I’d see her shortly. The response was an apology, which I appreciated, but she had forgotten about the date and asked if we could push it back by 2 hours. I was already near the café by then, so I declined, making up an excuse about a prior commitment. Her response was that I should have confirmed earlier in the day, in other words I should have reminded her about the date. I agreed that next time I’ll do that, and then said I’ll be in touch to reschedule.

I have no intention of doing that.

If you don’t care about making a good first impression, then you’re sending the message that you don’t care about me or my time. And if you need me to remind you to do things, then you’re not responsible or accountable for your behaviour. I think that’s all I really need to know about this person. I don’t need to invite that kind of treatment into my life.

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/5.6
24mm
ISO 100

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Letting Go

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Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety or possessions – we cannot be free.

Status: sitting at the keyboard sweating blood. The morning has just flown by and I’ve accomplished…..not nothing, but less than expected. Stuck on The Visitor story, not sure what happens next. Need a space where I can “close the door” and daydream, still stuck in the corporate day job modus operandi where I need to be head down productive for 8 hours. The creative process is different, still getting used to it.

So, I need to let go of the anxiety I’m feeling over not being word-count productive, relax and let it flow. I can do this.

Above photo is good, but the composition is a little off. I had the camera to low on the tripod. Too much of the platform is in the photo, it’s drawing the viewer’s eye away from the main focus of the photo, which is the train’s light trails. It’s not quite following the rule of thirds, applying that rule would put the train (and Meet Happy monitor) in a better position.

Obsessively checking that damn dating app. The dopamine hit from looking at the pretty user pictures is too great to ignore. Need to consider locking it down so that I can’t check the site. A net nanny type app would be good. Had the laptop in the shop for servicing a few weeks back and was without it for a couple of days. That was of tremendous help to my productivity. Maybe I should consider writing in a notebook instead of a laptop?

That’s not a bad idea.

Nikon D3400
1 sec
f/13
18mm
ISO 100

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Signs

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You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but ultimately, we see what we want to see when we’re ready to see it.

Status: awake. empty. struggling to start. Spent way too long selecting a photo for the post this morning. Agonising over which one is “just right”. Up at 5:30 am, but didn’t make a real start until 7:30. Suspect that I need to adjust my expectations; hitting the ground running at 5:31 am is unrealistic. Spent too much time hitting the dopamine button with YT videos. As usual. Think that my priority is self-flagellation and not fulfilment. Becoming a little frustrated with myself and perhaps this is a sign that I need to adjust my day, so that I can make it easier on myself to get into the “flow”.

I’m not big on resolutions, but I’m determined to make this writing thing work. So, my goal is 500 words a day (not including journal posts), 5 days a week. Commitment, execution. I can be disciplined enough to devote time everyday to go to the gym, then I can be disciplined enough to devote time everyday to writing. It’s just that simple and that hard.

One other thing I want to do. Sober January. No alcohol for the whole month. Slightly concerned because I like my Saturday nights for a little partying, and I can’t remember the last time I actually stayed in on a Saturday night and didn’t drink. We could be looking at 30 years ago, so the behaviour is well ingrained. In any case, let’s see how this plays out. The primary purpose is the hangover really disrupts my forward momentum, and it takes a few days to kick start it again. And I use it as an excuse to not do things like write. If I remove the impediment then in theory I won’t have an excuse to not do any writing. Let’s see if that’s true.

Dating. Connected with someone over the Christmas break and exchanged numbers so that we could firm up plans to meet. Red flags aplenty. Her profile says that communication is of paramount importance, however the paucity of her correspondence to date says otherwise. She told me about a “stalker” from the dating site; starting off the interaction with a negative is not a great way to start, and given the tone of our interaction I’m getting the feeling that she’s pretty self-centered and therefore likely strung this guy along. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour, of course, however I suspect that this is a recurring theme and she is unconsciously selecting needy types who feed her self-centered pathology. Perhaps I’m being a little bit unfair, but I’ve seen this before. I’ve seen this a few times, actually, and have been burned by it. I think it’s best if I just let this one go.

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/5
18mm
ISO 100

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Out With the Old

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But I have infinite tenderness for you. I always will.

Status: postponed my writing from this morning because I thought I’d have something to say as the day went on. But, I don’t. Head full of cotton even though I got a good night’s sleep. Having a hard time wrapping my head around the possibility of this being an after effect from NYE, which was two days ago. All I know is I have no momentum and I’m just dragging my feet through the day, going through the motions and allowing all of The Usual Suspects to distract me from doing what’s important. Telling myself, “I’ll try again tomorrow”, is becoming a recurring theme and habitual cycle which I’d like to break.

On a more positive note, I did close off all of the administrative tasks scheduled for today. I’ve also responded to the preliminary “offer” provided by the insurance company. It’s a reasonable offer, just want them to tweak a few details. The HR manager is out until Monday, so don’t expect a response until next week.

The weekend and NYE was uneventful – the usual stuff. Had a coffee date on Monday which I’m sure is not going to progress. I’d could see the disinterest and the ‘waiting-to-be-dismissed’ body language early in the interaction, but I was able to get a halfway decent response a little ways into the date. Good enough.

Bumped into someone I hadn’t seen in a while on NYE. Great body, dumb as a bag of rocks. I can tell that she’s interested, but I passed and am now regretting it a little bit. I should at least give her a bit of a chance. I have a bad habit of dismissing people too quickly – and I keep catching myself doing that. Something to work on in 2019, for sure.

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/16
55mm
ISO 100

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