You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but ultimately, we see what we want to see when we’re ready to see it.
Status: awake. empty. struggling to start. Spent way too long selecting a photo for the post this morning. Agonising over which one is “just right”. Up at 5:30 am, but didn’t make a real start until 7:30. Suspect that I need to adjust my expectations; hitting the ground running at 5:31 am is unrealistic. Spent too much time hitting the dopamine button with YT videos. As usual. Think that my priority is self-flagellation and not fulfilment. Becoming a little frustrated with myself and perhaps this is a sign that I need to adjust my day, so that I can make it easier on myself to get into the “flow”.
I’m not big on resolutions, but I’m determined to make this writing thing work. So, my goal is 500 words a day (not including journal posts), 5 days a week. Commitment, execution. I can be disciplined enough to devote time everyday to go to the gym, then I can be disciplined enough to devote time everyday to writing. It’s just that simple and that hard.
One other thing I want to do. Sober January. No alcohol for the whole month. Slightly concerned because I like my Saturday nights for a little partying, and I can’t remember the last time I actually stayed in on a Saturday night and didn’t drink. We could be looking at 30 years ago, so the behaviour is well ingrained. In any case, let’s see how this plays out. The primary purpose is the hangover really disrupts my forward momentum, and it takes a few days to kick start it again. And I use it as an excuse to not do things like write. If I remove the impediment then in theory I won’t have an excuse to not do any writing. Let’s see if that’s true.
Dating. Connected with someone over the Christmas break and exchanged numbers so that we could firm up plans to meet. Red flags aplenty. Her profile says that communication is of paramount importance, however the paucity of her correspondence to date says otherwise. She told me about a “stalker” from the dating site; starting off the interaction with a negative is not a great way to start, and given the tone of our interaction I’m getting the feeling that she’s pretty self-centered and therefore likely strung this guy along. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour, of course, however I suspect that this is a recurring theme and she is unconsciously selecting needy types who feed her self-centered pathology. Perhaps I’m being a little bit unfair, but I’ve seen this before. I’ve seen this a few times, actually, and have been burned by it. I think it’s best if I just let this one go.