Imperfections are attractive when their owners are happy with them. 

Status: good. still good. Typically this is the first day that I’m starting to feel like myself after partying on Saturday night. Three days to catch up on sleep and completely recover. That’s too much.

I’m not writing. Other than this blog I haven’t been writing. Thinking that maybe I should stop beating my head against this wall and do something else. It’s getting underfoot. I’m sitting here waiting to start and then never starting. That’s time which could be spent doing something else. I still feel like I have it in me, but maybe I should focus on something else in the meantime.

Updated offer came through from the Insurance company. It’s good. It’s real good. I’m still going to try and drag this out a little bit so that I can enjoy some more freedom from the corporate grind. Aim to accept the offer on Friday. That’ll also give me extra time to field an offer from my network contact which has been a little slow in materialising. At this stage I’m mostly just curious about the contents of the offer. It would have to be materially better than what the Insurance company has offered for me to backtrack.

Date yesterday went okay. She’s definitely a very Earthy hippy. We vibed well, but she is definitely not my type. Pleasantly surprised to find out that she isn’t a hardcore partier, but she is definitely one of these Lost Girls. Having been a Lost Boy myself it’s a case of the Devil recognising one of His own. Not really interested in seeing her again, but she has just texted me to say, “you have nice energy!”. Dead surprised that she’s interested at all.

In the meantime, I have another date this evening. She seems normal. We’ll see.

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Hi, I’m looking for fulfillment. Something which will make me feel that sense of human purpose we see in the cinema. That joie de vivre I see on model’s faces in the mall, that raison d’être mums pushing prams radiate. I’ve been looking through electronic alleyways and have yet to find it. Can you help me?

Status: guess what I did this morning? Yup, that’s right. Business as usual. Need to re-rationalise my schedule because this isn’t working and I’m just using it as a way to punish myself.

On a positive note I did clear out some admin stuff this morning which I was unable to address yesterday because of my ISP’s email issues. So, that’s done.

I had a date scheduled for Tuesday which I ended up cancelling. I’m learning to trust my instincts and there was something that just wasn’t right with this person. So, she reached out to me on the dating app (which is very rare), was available to meet right away, and could accommodate me during the day but was unavailable in the evening. Heavily tattooed – to the point that there’s no way she could ever get a “real” job. She told me that she’s “mostly a yoga instructor”. So, what do you do with the rest of your free time, I asked. “I manage a tattoo shop and work with cannabis LPs”, whatever the latter means. And she dances as a hobby, it seems. Legit dancing she tells me.

I don’t know. At the very least she’s seems a bit too “Earthy” for me. I’m not 420 friendly, and after my last experience dating someone who was, I think I’ll pass. My last date used to show up baked to the point that she couldn’t even interact with me. I was basically on the date by myself because she was checked out, the lights were on but no one was home.

Yeah, I think I’ll give this one a miss.

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It hurts when you have someone in your heart but you can’t have them in your arms. 

Status: good. really good. Attempting to traverse the month of January without consuming any alcohol. No more alcohol when I’m out-and-about on Saturday night – my one night out for the week. It’s been at least 10 years since I had a hangover free Sunday, and it felt good. It also felt good to head into the week without dragging my feet.

Did I do any writing yesterday? Nope. Didn’t even do any journaling. In the past I’ve blamed this lack of productivity on the post weekend festivities, but I can see that might not actually be the case. I’m thinking that this is more of a discipline issue. If I can carve out time from my day to go to the gym, then I can set aside some time to write. Need to re-think my approach on this front.

I was supposed to have a date over the weekend. We agreed to meet on Sunday for coffee. I was ready a little early, so texted to let her know that I was going to the café now and that I’d see her shortly. The response was an apology, which I appreciated, but she had forgotten about the date and asked if we could push it back by 2 hours. I was already near the café by then, so I declined, making up an excuse about a prior commitment. Her response was that I should have confirmed earlier in the day, in other words I should have reminded her about the date. I agreed that next time I’ll do that, and then said I’ll be in touch to reschedule.

I have no intention of doing that.

If you don’t care about making a good first impression, then you’re sending the message that you don’t care about me or my time. And if you need me to remind you to do things, then you’re not responsible or accountable for your behaviour. I think that’s all I really need to know about this person. I don’t need to invite that kind of treatment into my life.

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He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe. 

Status: desperately trying to remember a line/scene in a movie I saw over the weekend where the protagonist has this epiphanous moment and from that point forward lives a life of intent. It struck me as relevant at the time, dovetailing quite nicely with some of these thoughts I’ve been entertaining about my approach to Things and Stuff. Reflecting on my life and how I can break through…..

More to come..

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Be proud of who you are, and not ashamed of how someone else sees you. 

Status: procrastinating heavily. The Christmas holiday really knocked my train off the tracks. I’m not only feeling sluggish, but also allowing just about everything to distract me.

Suspect that I should lower expectations and just focus on pushing out a few words. A little stuck with the progression of the story – not sure what happens next. I think I’ll just clear my mind and do a brain dump. Hopefully something useful will come out of it.

I mean, I do enjoy the process of writing, right? RIGHT?! I’m looking at you, man in the mirror. Not sure why I allow myself to become intimidated by the story. Just relax, let it flow. Focus on the things which get you into the flow of writing, like this journal.

So, I finally connected with my second network contact yesterday. Good conversation, he has something for me in Halifax. I’m due to speak with the MD of that office in the New Year and we’ll see if we can make this work. Not sure exactly what the position will be, but I think he intimated that salary level may be lower than I’m used to. Could be reading too much into this, but let’s not set expectations too high and we’ll pick this up next week.

Job offer looks imminent from the insurance company. They’ve started discussing salary to see if it’s a good fit. So, not a firm offer, but as long as we can agree on compensation levels then that should be the last hurdle before receiving an offer. Initial exploratory compensation pitch is not bad, but I think I can push them to offer more. To be honest, part of me doesn’t want the job, so I have no issue with approaching it like I have nothing to lose. This might not be the smart play; it’s a good opportunity, I think I should just land it and use it as an interim stepping stone to The Next Thing.

Whatever that shall be………

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When I dream, I dream I am beautiful.

Status: still recovering. Awake at 3am, but forced myself to stay in bed until the alarm. Dragging my feet as a result. Seem to have more bad mornings than good ones. Perhaps I need a perspective shift?

Book buyer responded to my counter offer with the sound of violins playing in the distance. The problem is that he’s likely right. Need a little time to mull it over. Part of me says, “just take it, it’s a sunk cost and something is better than nothing. Besides, lugging that pack back home and then shopping it around is probably not worth the time and effort.” The other more stubborn part of me says, “I’d rather burn the books than let this guy significantly profit off me.” Guess I’m just insulted by the offer, especially for the older books, and I don’t enjoy being treated like I’m stupid. Will mull it over and decide on what’s practical.

Third interview yesterday. Strange. Seemed like a rehash of the previous two. Covered items that we had discussed previously. Appreciate that the video call allowed them to see me in person versus just hearing me over the phone, and maybe that’s all it needed to be. Expect that I’ll know by the end of the week if they want to proceed. Curious about compensation, which hasn’t been discussed to date. They’re the only ones who have tackled compensation late in the process, everyone else has touched on that up front – a tactic to save time and/or disqualify candidates who are going to be too expensive.

Second network contact reached out yesterday, so that makes two responses out of three. Good batting average. Potential opportunity in Halifax, however was advised that this is not a perfect fit. Due to speak this afternoon, so let’s see how this progresses…..

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The Struggle

20181202-DSC_0071But I have infinite tenderness for you. I always will.

Status: embracing the sickness and feeling grotty with a head full of cotton. I can’t guarantee that this is completely due to the cold and may also be the result of a poor night’s sleep.

I haven’t hit my word quota for today and instead opted to numb myself with YouTube videos this morning, and then hated myself afterwards for doing it. Nothing accompanies being sick like a little bit of self-loathing. I’m going to sound like a bit of a broken record, but if I’m not serious about my writing, then I need to put it down and focus on something else.

I’m honestly losing a little bit of patience with my inability to sit down and just get on with it. Better yet, I’m getting frustrated with my inability to understand WHY I don’t sit down and just get on with it. There has to be more to it than the self punishment aspect, I don’ hate myself that much.

In any case, while I couldn’t focus on the creative writing, I did complete another item on my task list which leaves me with the photography projects as the last item on the list (I have four separate projects contained within one line item). I reached out to a select few people in my network, so let’s see what kind of response I get. And for a bonus round, I’ve also sent two general applications to a couple of companies for consideration.

I’ve also been called in for a third interview, which I expected would happen, and we’ve scheduled that for tomorrow. Truthfully, I wanted to postpone it to the end of the week in hopes that I could drag it into the New Year, but I had second thoughts and just decided to get it out of the way. And I think that speaks volumes about my interest in this position. In any case, let’s see how this plays out.

Onward and upward…….

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