Excuses

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Never make excuses. Your friends don’t need them and your foes won’t believe them. 

Status: good. still good. no excuses to get things done. Trying a new routine this morning. Want to see if this will make it easier to focus on the writing. I mean honestly, I’m my own worst enemy and I’m doing a disservice to myself by not trying to create an optimal framework which is conducive to being creative.

There are of course other things going on here. Stubbornly holding onto the idea that it needs to be perfect (there is only one person reading it), and letting the challenge of the task intimidate me into not starting (just start, accomplishing something will build encouragement and momentum). My initial efforts are not going to be great and that’s okay. The purpose of the exercise is to learn the lessons I need to learn so that I can improve and become more competent as time goes on.

Ok.

Date yesterday cancelled. Actually, I cancelled it. Texted me at the time we were due to meet and said that she’d be there in 20 minutes. I have zero tolerance for people who are cavalier with my time. She told me some excuse about taking someone to the hospital. That’s a new one, I thought, I’ll give her points for originality. I’m about to leave the café,  but instead decided to order an espresso and chill. I mean, I was already there and you know, that rack tho. The espresso went down like liquid awesomeness. Turns out that she ran over someone’s foot with her car and had to take this person to the hospital. I stop to admire her creativity for a second….and then inform her that I’m leaving. She responds with it’s probably best if she stays at the hospital with her victim. (Probably?) I agree with her, that’s actually the right choice in this situation.

So, let’s take stock of what we’ve learned about my date so far. Cons: poor timekeeper, bad driver. Pros: creative, does the right thing, nice rack. Okay, so the Pros have it 3 to 2. All joking aside, she did apologise profusely during the back-and-forth texting and I accepted the apology, so we’re going to try again on Friday.

Gillette. Feel the need to address this in a blog post which no-one is going to read. Full disclosure: I haven’t seen the new Gillette commercial and I don’t use their products. I’m not the target audience/demographic for this ad, which means they’re not trying to sell me their products. I’ve seen people on one side of the issue getting annoyed/upset at the content of the commercial, and on the other side defending it. My take on it is this: they’re trying to sell more product by appealing to a new and/or underserved demographic. The primary purposes of a company is to maximise profit and increase shareholder value. If they think that this marketing effort will achieve those things then that’s good business. It is, as we used to say back in the day, “just business” (alluding to it not being personal, we’re just acting in the best interest of the company). It’s not the first time that a company has put profits ahead of a morally ambiguous decision, and it won’t be the last. That said, my question is this: what happens when the target audience for the commercial realises that they’re victims of salesmanship? That the company is just telling them what they want to hear in order to sell them (more) stuff?

Nikon D3400
1/640 sec
f/9
55mm
ISO 100

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Imperfections

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Imperfections are attractive when their owners are happy with them. 

Status: good. still good. Typically this is the first day that I’m starting to feel like myself after partying on Saturday night. Three days to catch up on sleep and completely recover. That’s too much.

I’m not writing. Other than this blog I haven’t been writing. Thinking that maybe I should stop beating my head against this wall and do something else. It’s getting underfoot. I’m sitting here waiting to start and then never starting. That’s time which could be spent doing something else. I still feel like I have it in me, but maybe I should focus on something else in the meantime.

Updated offer came through from the Insurance company. It’s good. It’s real good. I’m still going to try and drag this out a little bit so that I can enjoy some more freedom from the corporate grind. Aim to accept the offer on Friday. That’ll also give me extra time to field an offer from my network contact which has been a little slow in materialising. At this stage I’m mostly just curious about the contents of the offer. It would have to be materially better than what the Insurance company has offered for me to backtrack.

Date yesterday went okay. She’s definitely a very Earthy hippy. We vibed well, but she is definitely not my type. Pleasantly surprised to find out that she isn’t a hardcore partier, but she is definitely one of these Lost Girls. Having been a Lost Boy myself it’s a case of the Devil recognising one of His own. Not really interested in seeing her again, but she has just texted me to say, “you have nice energy!”. Dead surprised that she’s interested at all.

In the meantime, I have another date this evening. She seems normal. We’ll see.

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 100

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Self-love

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Try to love yourself as much as you want someone else to.

 Status: good. procrastinating. Actually, I’m not procrastinating, it’s pain avoidance. I’m not sure where to start, so I lean on the default. It’s a new thing, so it’s difficult. It’s a new thing, which means I’m not very good at it. Combine all of those things together and the end result is something that I’m not enjoying very much. I’m focusing on the immediate when I should be playing the long game and focusing on completing the task, which includes learning the lessons I need to learn in order to be more competent on subsequent attempts. I think enjoyment will come from these iterative attempts, and increase as I get better at it.

I think I just had a bit of a lucid moment there. Don’t worry, it won’t happen again.

Ok, date this evening with the tattooed lady. Do I want to do this? Nope. Part of me hope she cancels. Spider sense tingling. I’ve said, “Fuck it” and just done it more times than I can count over the course of my life. I think I’ve reached my upper threshold of ‘Fuck its’. But, maybe just this last one……..

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 400

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Fulfillment

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Hi, I’m looking for fulfillment. Something which will make me feel that sense of human purpose we see in the cinema. That joie de vivre I see on model’s faces in the mall, that raison d’être mums pushing prams radiate. I’ve been looking through electronic alleyways and have yet to find it. Can you help me?

Status: guess what I did this morning? Yup, that’s right. Business as usual. Need to re-rationalise my schedule because this isn’t working and I’m just using it as a way to punish myself.

On a positive note I did clear out some admin stuff this morning which I was unable to address yesterday because of my ISP’s email issues. So, that’s done.

I had a date scheduled for Tuesday which I ended up cancelling. I’m learning to trust my instincts and there was something that just wasn’t right with this person. So, she reached out to me on the dating app (which is very rare), was available to meet right away, and could accommodate me during the day but was unavailable in the evening. Heavily tattooed – to the point that there’s no way she could ever get a “real” job. She told me that she’s “mostly a yoga instructor”. So, what do you do with the rest of your free time, I asked. “I manage a tattoo shop and work with cannabis LPs”, whatever the latter means. And she dances as a hobby, it seems. Legit dancing she tells me.

I don’t know. At the very least she’s seems a bit too “Earthy” for me. I’m not 420 friendly, and after my last experience dating someone who was, I think I’ll pass. My last date used to show up baked to the point that she couldn’t even interact with me. I was basically on the date by myself because she was checked out, the lights were on but no one was home.

Yeah, I think I’ll give this one a miss.

Nikon D3400
1/60 sec
f/6.3
55mm
ISO 1600

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Change

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Look back over the past, with its changing empires that rose and fell, and you can foresee the future, too.

Status: good. better than good, actually. Sitting quietly in an Indigo doing some writing. Needed a change of scenery from the Library. Which I immediately regretted doing when I arrived in the store because I forgot they play music. Not the obnoxious type, but distracting enough. So, I’ve opted for a Shingo Nakamura mix through my headphones instead.

Good enough.

The insurance company has gone quiet. We agreed compensation pending clarification on one aspect of the package. This wasn’t an offer, but pre-negotiation, I guess. They haven’t asked for references or conducted a background check. I was expecting that final aspect on Monday when the HR Manager was back in the office post break, but that hasn’t happened. Am I worried? I think I’ve set an expectation in my mind and the reality is not congruent with that expectation. The dissonance is creating discomfort. I can’t control this outcome, so best to focus on the things I can control.

Had an offer on the place yesterday. Not sure if this guy is taking the piss, but he low balled the offer and then asked me to install a TV in the living room and bedroom. He’s acting like he has nothing to lose, and therefore not sure I can take it seriously. Maybe it’s just best to play the game. Not all that enthused about entertaining an offer from a potential high-maintenance tenant, but it’ll cost me little at this stage. So, I’ve rejected the TV request and asked the realtor to confirm current market levels. If it’s below market then I’m going to counter at market.

Alright, let’s get to it…………..

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/16
22mm
ISO 100

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Dating

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It hurts when you have someone in your heart but you can’t have them in your arms. 

Status: good. really good. Attempting to traverse the month of January without consuming any alcohol. No more alcohol when I’m out-and-about on Saturday night – my one night out for the week. It’s been at least 10 years since I had a hangover free Sunday, and it felt good. It also felt good to head into the week without dragging my feet.

Did I do any writing yesterday? Nope. Didn’t even do any journaling. In the past I’ve blamed this lack of productivity on the post weekend festivities, but I can see that might not actually be the case. I’m thinking that this is more of a discipline issue. If I can carve out time from my day to go to the gym, then I can set aside some time to write. Need to re-think my approach on this front.

I was supposed to have a date over the weekend. We agreed to meet on Sunday for coffee. I was ready a little early, so texted to let her know that I was going to the café now and that I’d see her shortly. The response was an apology, which I appreciated, but she had forgotten about the date and asked if we could push it back by 2 hours. I was already near the café by then, so I declined, making up an excuse about a prior commitment. Her response was that I should have confirmed earlier in the day, in other words I should have reminded her about the date. I agreed that next time I’ll do that, and then said I’ll be in touch to reschedule.

I have no intention of doing that.

If you don’t care about making a good first impression, then you’re sending the message that you don’t care about me or my time. And if you need me to remind you to do things, then you’re not responsible or accountable for your behaviour. I think that’s all I really need to know about this person. I don’t need to invite that kind of treatment into my life.

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/5.6
24mm
ISO 100

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Letting Go

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Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety or possessions – we cannot be free.

Status: sitting at the keyboard sweating blood. The morning has just flown by and I’ve accomplished…..not nothing, but less than expected. Stuck on The Visitor story, not sure what happens next. Need a space where I can “close the door” and daydream, still stuck in the corporate day job modus operandi where I need to be head down productive for 8 hours. The creative process is different, still getting used to it.

So, I need to let go of the anxiety I’m feeling over not being word-count productive, relax and let it flow. I can do this.

Above photo is good, but the composition is a little off. I had the camera to low on the tripod. Too much of the platform is in the photo, it’s drawing the viewer’s eye away from the main focus of the photo, which is the train’s light trails. It’s not quite following the rule of thirds, applying that rule would put the train (and Meet Happy monitor) in a better position.

Obsessively checking that damn dating app. The dopamine hit from looking at the pretty user pictures is too great to ignore. Need to consider locking it down so that I can’t check the site. A net nanny type app would be good. Had the laptop in the shop for servicing a few weeks back and was without it for a couple of days. That was of tremendous help to my productivity. Maybe I should consider writing in a notebook instead of a laptop?

That’s not a bad idea.

Nikon D3400
1 sec
f/13
18mm
ISO 100

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