Saturday

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I knew you were the one when you walked into my chaos and never left.

Hey,

I wasn’t going to write anything else until next week when I was back on the island. I didn’t want to have my head stuck in a laptop during my last few days here. I wanted to be fully present, so that I could soak up these last few moments and fully experience them. I suspect I’ll need that memory to get me through the next few months as I work on letting go of this chapter in my life and embracing the new one.

But, I need to let go of it otherwise I won’t be able to move forward. I need to (slowly) forget the pain I’m feeling right now, but never forget what the experience taught me. I think I told you that material things hold no value for me; I value relationships and experiences. And the last seven years has been an incredible experience. I’ve learned so much about myself through this experience; I’ve learned so much about myself through the people I’ve met. Even the shitty ones. You know who I’m talking about.

(We accept the love we think we deserve.)

And that experience of loving someone a little too intensely and then losing that love prepared me for this change in my life. The pain from having my insides (my very being) ripped to shreds is a distant memory, and all I remember now is what that experience taught me.

So, knowing that the pain I’m feeling right now won’t last forever, I think I’m ready to face this. I think.

I don’t admit this easily. I’ve never really considered myself to be much of a cryer (because boys don’t cry). I’ve always been able to “switch off” my emotions as easily as snapping my fingers. Friends have seen me do that and commented on it (“dude, what the serious fuck?!”). But, this morning was different; I woke up, made my way to the kitchen and then just burst into tears. It felt strange and alien; I don’t like feeling vulnerable like that. I especially don’t like feeling vulnerable in front people.

Which is prideful, I guess.

I didn’t want to sit here wallowing in my own self-pity (which, I think you know this, annoys the fuck out of me). I didn’t want to be moping around for the rest of the day, so thought it was best to try and process this as best I could, and more importantly focus on being grateful for all of the good things that came from this experience.

One of which is you.

Life happens when you’re busy making plans, and I’m so grateful that life happened. I’m so grateful that we met. You surprised me, in a good way. You gave me exactly what I needed, when I didn’t even know I needed it. It’s almost like you knew what this was before I did. You helped me get out of my own way, so that I could truly see this and embrace it. So that I could see this wonderful person standing in front of me.

I’m grateful that you did that for me. It’s a precious memory which I’ll always carry close to me.

Alright. Feeling better now. Time to start the day.

 

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The Fear of Change

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If she doesn’t scare the hell out of you a little, she’s not the one.

Status: good. better than good. happier than I’ve been in a very long time.

Anxiety levels: high. In less than a week my life will change. It’s the unknown which I fear the most. Will it be as good as the life that I have now?

On the subject of change, this blog will also change. It has to. Life circumstances dictate. Because that’s life. Forever changing, never permanent. Up until now I was writing this for me, and only me. What started out as a tool for learning how to write, learning how to inculcate the process into my life, has morphed into something which is a bit more cathartic; a way to organise and process my unvarnished thoughts.

And then I shared this with someone I know.

I regret doing that, however it did highlight a few things for me. My internal dialogue, as represented on these blog posts, is much more acerbic than I realised. And, I’m not actually processing my thoughts, I’m just doing a brain dump into a blog post. It’s helpful, but it would have been more helpful if I actually thought about what I was feeling and experiencing before recording it. I mean, I kinda sorta knew that was the case (and didn’t want to admit it to myself), but I didn’t fully realise it until I could see it through her eyes.

How does that quote read?

“If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?”

So, it’s time to change that, which is quite timely given all of the other things which are changing in my life. And I think I can start that here. Rather than continue with the acerbic internal dialogue capture, which has reached the end of its useful life, I’m going to write these posts for just one person. I’m going to write these posts TO just one person.

I’m going to write these letters to you.

I’ll continue to be honest, but the tone of the posts will change. You’ve given me something which is quite precious and I intend to take good care of it. I promise.

The frequency of these posts is going to change as well. The career move dictates. But, my goal is to post at least three times a week, more if time allows.

The photo capture and accompanying caption is a metaphor for the upcoming changes, but you were right in your text message yesterday. The original post on IG was about you, was about us, and even though it scares me a little I think it’s worth the risk. I think you’re worth the risk……..

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/4.8
38mm
ISO 100

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Walking at Night

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Yes I do enjoy walking at night. The world’s a lot more to my liking then, not so loud, not so fast, not so crowded, and a great deal more mysterious. 

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 800

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Fast Starts

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Status: good, better night’s sleep, but still had a late start to the day and then chose to hit the gym in the morning which pushed everything back into the afternoon. I’m now sitting here trying to wrap my head around writing something, anything, just to feel productive, and also to start processing the events of the last week.

Anxiety levels: climbing. I’m leaving a week on Monday and I’m starting to feel the pressure.

Photography.

Processed a bunch of photos last night and hated all of them. I appreciate that I’m tired and also had a hangover to contend with, which contributed to my negative view of them, but still. They can’t all be bad. In any case, I’ll continue working through the backlog and hopefully have a chance to complete a few more items off the shot list before I give the camera equipment to the new owner.

Writing.

I mean, see below. I need to grab this bull by the horns, but that likely won’t happen this weekend. I typically don’t write on the weekends, and this one is going to be very busy…….

M.

Last night was the first night in the last few where she didn’t spend the night. Truthfully, I needed the uninterrupted sleep. Getting used to someone else in bed beside me is a bit of a process; I suppose there is a bit of anxiety there, a combination of not wanting to disturb her while she slept and also allowing someone to get that close to me. Resulting in more catnapping than anything else.

…..

Originally started this blog post on Friday and continued it into Saturday; a combination of slowly processing the events of the last week and just being distracted by this new person in my life.

It’s now Sunday and I’m sitting on the couch at home with M beside me wearing one of my favourite oversized pajama hoodies, while both of us do some work on our laptops. She is catching up on a few overdue items and preparing for Monday morning, and I’m trying to finish this blog post. She doesn’t know that I’m writing this.

This has escalated quickly; we’ve gone from dating to almost living together. The plan was to spend part of Saturday and Sunday together with a sleepover on Saturday night, but we’ve been inseparable since Noon yesterday and she is spending the night again tonight with plans to stay over tomorrow night as well.

I couldn’t be happier.

Yesterday she showed up at my door with two sets of tulips (which now sit in vases on the living room coffee table and beside the couch) and macaroons. I’ve never had anyone do something like that for me before. So very impressed by this person and am feeling very glad that I gave her a chance rather than do what I’ve done a million times before: give them the quick hook when they breach a boundary.

In any case, more to come…………

 

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Date Night and Photography

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Status: hungover. sorta, kinda in a place where I can do some writing, but not really. Fussed around with selecting a photo to post from the catalogue and then gave up because I couldn’t find anything I liked, not to mention that I couldn’t find the right caption to pair with the photo or with what’s been happening over the last few days.

And what’s been happening? Well, not alot of writing, that’s what.

M.

This interaction has taken center stage and pushed everything else to the side. I thought I was done with this modus operandi, but perhaps not. I specifically remember telling myself that The Mission is the most important thing and that I wasn’t interested in a romantic partner distracting me from the things that I want to do, the things which are fulfilling and important to me.

But, life happens when you are busy making plans. Time spent with M has escalated drastically over the last few days. We have only two weeks left before I move onto The Next Chapter and we’re trying to make the most of the little time we have left together. This has resulted in us spending most of Sunday night together, all of Monday afternoon and night when she slept over, and then date night last night for dinner, drinks and another sleepover.

So, we’ve seen quite a lot of each other over the last few days, and I couldn’t be happier.

There is still quite alot to process – it’s moving so quickly that I’m barely able to keep up with it. Including how I feel about this, and about her. But, maybe the best place to start is the Thank You note I sent to M on Monday morning after our Sunday outing:

“Hey M, I had alot of fun as well. I was going to write up a proper thank you later on when I wasn’t wearing my sleepy face, but where words fail I hope actions do my thoughts justice.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for last night; that’s a special memory which I’ll carry with me always. You made me feel like a very special person, and for that I can’t thank you enough.

But I’m going to try.”

I was almost in tears when writing this on Monday morning, and perhaps that’s all I really need to know. I don’t need to overthink this; the simple truth is that she has touched me in a way that very few people have, and I’m grateful for that.

More to come……..

Photography.

The camera equipment has been sold in its entirety and the buyer will collect the whole pack next week, just before I leave. Closing the chapter on this aspect of myself feels strange, almost like I’m giving away a piece of myself which I use for self expression. I’ll be voiceless in the interim, but will pick it up again once I am settled back on the island and am in a position to source some new, better equipment. Which is likely going to happen by the end of the summer.

This is actually distressing me a little bit more than I thought. This avenue through which I express myself has become an important part of me and my wellbeing……..I didn’t realise that until just now.

 

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Relationships

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And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in.

Nikon D3400
1/200 sec
f/5.6
55mm
ISO 2500

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Courage and M

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It’s a risk. Its always a risk. Do you have the courage to tell someone I Love You without expecting something in return?

Status: excellent. away from the laptop for a few days, spending time with M. toying with the idea that some of the angst I experience is being driven by my self imposed isolation, and that I need to do a better job of maintaining a balance between solitude and engaging with people – cultivating relationships which I find energising instead of exhausting. I keep forgetting how much I have to share – spending time with M reminds me of that.

And that’s a perfect segue to…..

M.

Not sure exactly where to start here, there’s been so much happening over the last two days. Everything else, everyone else has fallen away and what was originally intended to be a short outing on Sunday turned into spending the bulk of the last two days together getting to know each other.

It’s now Tuesday morning and I’m feeling her absence right now…..

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/8
55mm
ISO 100

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