The Road to Success

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You are responsible for your success and failure. The sooner you accept and integrate that into your work ethic, the sooner you will start being successful. If you blame others for your failures, you will never be successful.

 

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Horoscope

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“Reflection isn’t really a passive process; it’s an act that requires bravery and humility. This week, it’s time for you to be honest with yourself, Libra. You’ve been running your life in certain ways that are no longer working, and it’s important that you don’t wait until your hand is forced before you make changes. Show up and strive to be decisive — what you chose now isn’t written in stone, but it is important for your future. Do what needs to be done, my love.”

I am honestly not a big fan of Horoscopes and always view them with a certain degree of scepticism. I mean, the person that wrote this doesn’t know me at all, or my situation, so how could they possibly be in a position to dispense advice?

But, somewhere inside of me I want it to be real. Perhaps I’m looking for some direction, some advice on what to do next (realising that this is the antithesis of the advice provided above). I very cynically read these things after the fact just to see if they’re accurate, and dammit, there is always a kernel of truth to them, or the advice provided is very timely and dovetails quite nicely with current personal events.

And that’s where I currently find myself. I’m going through another period of change, and then this very timely piece of advice presents itself. I’ve been telling myself the exact same thing for some time now: if I don’t make my own choices, then life will make those choices for me. In other words, I need to get in front of it and be more proactive instead of reactive.

Given my current state of play, I knew this was coming down the pipe. I knew that the situation was not sustainable and that I’d have to move onto The Next Thing sooner or later. I was really hoping that it would be later, but all things being equal, now’s the best time to make a change because I think I’ve gleaned all of the value possible from this latest period (stage? phase?).

So, I’m a little late. I stayed at the party just a little bit too long, but I still have options. Now I just need to make a choice and move forward……….

 

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A list of 25 Principles of Adult Behavior by John Perry Barlow

1. Be patient. No matter what.
2. Don’t badmouth: Assign responsibility, not blame. Say nothing of another you wouldn’t say to him.
3. Never assume the motives of others are, to them, less noble than yours are to you.
4. Expand your sense of the possible.
5. Don’t trouble yourself with matters you truly cannot change.
6. Expect no more of anyone than you can deliver yourself.
7. Tolerate ambiguity.
8. Laugh at yourself frequently.
9. Concern yourself with what is right rather than who is right.
10. Never forget that, no matter how certain, you might be wrong.
11. Give up blood sports.
12. Remember that your life belongs to others as well. Don’t risk it frivolously.
13. Never lie to anyone for any reason. (Lies of omission are sometimes exempt.)
14. Learn the needs of those around you and respect them.
15. Avoid the pursuit of happiness. Seek to define your mission and pursue that.
16. Reduce your use of the first personal pronoun.
17. Praise at least as often as you disparage.
18. Admit your errors freely and soon.
19. Become less suspicious of joy.
20. Understand humility.
21. Remember that love forgives everything.
22. Foster dignity.
23. Live memorably.
24. Love yourself.
25. Endure.

 

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Things My Therapist Has Taught Me

Sips of Jen and Tonic

bc425f09027fd13912ac10b6728e4ea3I don’t typically write serious subject matter on this blog, but a few months ago I wrote about my desire to seek therapy for a myriad of issues I’ve faced for years. A woman of my word, I began going almost immediately.

I don’t like talking to friends or family members about my problems so the idea of talking to a stranger about my innermost thoughts really put me off. Luckily, I found someone totally aces on the first try, and she has taught me some very valuable things in our time together so far.

How you feel about yourself is not a democracy.

I would never have described myself as a “people pleaser” until I started seeing her. Now I can’t believe I never saw it before. In every facet of my life I am living for someone else: at work, in relationships, with my family, among friends. No…

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Signs You Or Your Partner Is Emotionally Immature

Reblogged from Yangki Christine Akiteng’s blog: http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/emotional-maturity-could-it-be-the-attractive-quality-missing-in-you/

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Emotional maturity is not something most of us look for in a partner. For many of us it’s not even a priority in the qualities we look for. We kind of take it for granted that if you’re attracted to someone then everything will fall into place.

If the relationship is casual and not expected to grow into something long term then emotional maturity or lack of it doesn’t really matter especially if you don’t spend much time together, meet up just for a “good time” and/or are dating several people at the same time.

But if you are looking for something long term, emotional maturity profoundly influences your ability to sustain a relationship.

Differences in the level of emotional maturity or lack of may not be obvious in the early stages of a relationship when everything is wonderful – no obvious differences that cause problems and no serious arguments. You’re at your best and your new man or woman idealizes you and you idealize him or her. But like all good things, this “honeymoon” phase of the relationship which can be anywhere from days to weeks or even a couple of months inevitably ends – as it should. And if you or the other person is emotionally immature, it begins to show in the way you:

  1. Deal with your emotions

People who are emotionally mature are more able to put feelings into perspective before automatically verbalizing or acting them out. They also take responsibility for their every action, word and thought – and the resulting consequences. The ability to self-regulate helps them handle different situations in a better way and cope with difficult times, conflict and frustration in a smarter way.

Those who are emotionally immature on the other hand get tripped up by their own emotions and feelings. They either fall apart (drama, drama, drama), numb out (ignore their emotions and live in a kind of zombie land pretending that they feel nothing) or distract themselves with obsessive behaviours all the while blaming others, society and the universe for their problems or disappointments.

  1. Deal with the emotions of others

People who are emotionally mature understand that the world does not revolve around them. When faced with an emotionally-loaded situation they focus on trying to understand and relate to the other person’s emotions and feelings and the reasons behind them. This helps them better identify the other person’s needs and wants, better solve problems in relationships, connect better and maintain good relationships over time.

Those who are emotionally immature when faced with a similar emotionally-loaded situation become all self-absorbed and entitled. They’ll try to force a resolution by putting a lot of unhealthy pressure on the other person and often become emotionally manipulative, exploitative and even abusive. These behaviours cause the other person to even pull away further making it harder to create and/or maintain a relationship – even a bad one.

So if you’re with someone who you know is into you (forget about that one who just isn’t into you), can’t keep his or her hands off you when you’re together and tells you how much he or she is attracted to you or “in love with you” but will not bother to call or arrange for a date because he or she is avoiding spending “quality” time with you, it might just be that working on your own emotional maturity and learning to communicate your feelings, needs and wants better may be the only thing that’ll save your relationship.

Nobody is comfortable with emotional immaturity – not even emotionally immature men and women. In a relationship where both people are emotionally immature, the emotional immaturity which keeps them together is often times also what they both instinctively resent in the other.

Emotional maturity is even more important with age. Being with someone who looks physically mature but acts emotionally immature is downright frustrating.

 

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How to Stop Being Needy with Women

Reblogged from Fractionation Seduction

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You may be well aware that men hate women who are needy, but did you know that it works the other way, as well? Well, it’s true. Read on.

For starters, you should know that there is a big difference between paying attention to a woman and hanging over her 24/7. Even if a woman is in a relationship with someone, she gets completely turned off when her significant other becomes clingy. This is because neediness and insecurity go hand-in-hand. Yahoo! published a must-read article (which you can read here) that lists 20 signs that can tell if a man is desperate and needy in relationships. If you think you can relate, think things over as to how you tend to become clingy and needy around your girl. Remember, men who are completely confident in their skin and don’t need constant attention from women tend to look more attractive overall.

So, if you want to truly attract a woman, but are a bit needy, then you have to back off a bit for now and follow these tips instead:

Leave the past in the past.

If you think that you are the only man out there who has ever been rejected by a woman, then think again. The truth is that most men the world over have been rejected by women or have tried to get a girlfriend and failed at least once in their lives. So, if you want things to change for you, then you will have to let the past go and leave it be. If you don’t, then you will never have the chance to score a meaningful relationship that is built on trust in the long run.

This means that you have to stop comparing women with one another from now on because every woman is different and every experience will therefore be different, too. If you keep comparing women to other women that you have known in the past, then you are sure to lose what you have in the present in no time.

Live your own life.

If your entire life revolves around your dating life, then you have to start making some changes. Fill your schedule with other things besides meeting women and focus on your interests for a change. Revive your passions and get busy. Women will love you for it!

Get confident.

Most men have confidence issues every now and then, but if your self-confidence is at the ultimate down-low, then it could affect your dating life in the long run. If this sounds familiar, then you have to start changing the way that you see yourself. To do this, start spending more time with your friends and relatives, and absorb the positive things that they say about you. While doing so, take a mental note of all of the positive skills and traits that they mention for future reference. While everyone has their own strengths, your confidence will come from knowing exactly what yours are – remember that.

Being needy is definitely one of the fastest ways to lose your grip on a woman. So, if you want to keep women by your side, work on yourself and the different qualities that women tend to look for in men first. Confidence is one of these qualities – one that can ensure that you stay happy, get the woman you want, and be satisfied with your dating life for years to come.

 

 

20 Signs a Man is Desperate for a Date or Relationship

Reblogged from Yahoo and written by Nafeesah R. Abdullah, Yahoo Contributor Network

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When you begin dating someone it’s an exciting time in your life, but as time progresses you start to notice things that make you think that the man you’re dating is becoming a bit desperate. This kind of behavior is not only disturbing, but it can become creepy and not only to you, but those around you too. This is often seen with single mothers who get back into the dating scene they could have been divorced for some time and are reintroducing themselves into the dating world and the first guy they settle for dating has some issues with himself that comes off as needy to those who can recognize this kind of behavior. There are a lot of reasons for why men are desperate and needy and part of dating is to get to know someone, but when a single woman is dealing with a man she has no idea what she could be getting herself into and some of the things she may not even catch on to, but those around her could be seeing things that she may not be seeing. A man who is desperate can indicate low-self esteem and a host of other issues and you want to ask yourself do you want to deal with someone who’s got some unresolved issues with himself. A man who’s desperate will display behavior that can actually be a turn off to women and some of it is victim of circumstance or even just unresolved issues that should be best dealt with in counseling. Some of the things that can indicate desperation are seen below:

1. Is moving too fast to take the relationship to the next level-This is a pretty obvious one and it all starts with moving too fast with things like intimacy and sex. A relationship should grow in time and if you’re dating a man who’s moving too fast for your speed this is a red flag that you need to pay attention to before things get too out of control.

2. Spends too much time with you-This is another one that’s prevalent and this is the most cumbersome because when you’re hanging out together and then you continue the evening well into the next day. You have to learn when to call it a night and end the date at an appropriate hour.

3. Does not give you time and spaceThis is where men get their feelings hurt very quickly because they’re not respecting the fact that you have a life of your own outside of them. What is defined as space is not always hanging out and allowing that person to have their own life. Desperate men tend to be a bit on the invasive side when they always want to hang out at your house for hours on end.

4. Always buying gifts (expensive and cheap) constantly-This can become unflattering and even annoying to women because after a while gifts lose their meaning when a man is constantly buying you stuff. Not to say that the thought is nice, but after a while you’re going to get tired of always getting something. Part of getting a surprise is looking forward to it and if you’re always getting something the feelings and the concept begin to lose its meaning and eventually a woman is going to be less thrilled to get something. Gifts also include greeting cards as well.

5. Takes you away from things of importance like your own life or social life with friends-Having a special someone is nice, but when he starts drawing your attention away from things like caring for a loved one or taking care of everyday things or even to the point when you put your responsibilities off on someone else this is not good because that means your neglecting your priorities.

6. In constant agreement with everything you say-This indicates a people pleaser and this is a toxic element because that indicates the man has no backbone and takes things to heart way too much. This is a common issue in someone who’s excessively needy.

7. Makes long term future plans prematurely-Desperate men tend to make that woman the only person in their life and not take the time to date different people and get to know other people other than just one person. When you find a man saying “You’re the only woman for me” before the two month period you have a desperate person on your hand and you may turn around and run for the hills before he’s had a chance to present to you what he means by that.

8. Always eager to please-This is the most annoying trait because what woman is going to want to deal with someone who’s constantly trying to please her and is overly-eager to do whatever you wanted. This is a trait that will get some desperate men used like doormats because it’s a sign of emotional weakness.

9. Is too overly nice and sweet-This can be a turn off to women because that can indicate low-self esteem because you’re going to get weary of the sentimental stuff after a while. There’s nothing wrong with having a soft side, but some women want to know a man has a backbone to stand up for himself meaning he’s got the balls to face certain things.

10. Makes you the center of his life and world in a short period of timeThis is the most disturbing of traits because a man who’s desperate will declare you his when you don’t know if you’re going to continue dating this guy. This can make someone appear really creepy when they tell you that you’re theirs too prematurely you could find yourself back on the market faster than you can say ‘what’s your name?’. This may sound flattering for a single mother who may have been off the dating wagon for some time, but if you look at this trait closely it’s going to sound rather creepy and uncomfortable. Women who

11. Always needing constant encouragement and assurance-This is a trait that can enable men because when a man is constantly needing to hear how great he is that can become tiresome because a man who’s confident will not always need someone stroking his ego and constantly assuring him of things. This is where women make their mistakes in dealing with men because that’s a sign a man has low-self esteem and a poor self-image of himself.

12. Calling, texting, and emailing too much-This is one way you can tell if a guy is needy because if he’s resorted to calling you super early in the morning before you’ve risen for the day or really late at night after you’ve retired for the evening or came home from working late that’s a sign he’s getting too attached too fast. Usually someone will respect your times of when you rise for the day and settle in for the night. This also points to dysfunctional behavior of clinginess because there’s no reason for why a guy should be calling you while you’re still in bed sleeping or when you’re about to retire for the night. People that are secure and confident with themselves will call at appropriate times. Men who are secure with themselves are not always constantly calling you 2 or more times a day. Nothing wrong with checking in, but when it gets past 2 times per day it can border on excessive and can actually be a turn off to a woman because she’s not going to want to talk to the same guy all day long. That’s a sign you need to broaden your social circle with friends.

13. Constantly needing to talk about his problems-This is where it becomes clear that a woman is dealing with a needy man who has some unresolved issues with himself and that she can’t get involved with someone who’s got those kind of issues. If you find yourself sitting on the phone from a reasonable part of the day to really late at night or until way early the next day talking to a man and listening to his problems you’re beginning to sound like his therapist and plus you have your own issues to worry about and don’t need to take on someone else’s problems as well.

14. Acknowledges inappropriate behavior when someone has to talk to him about it-When a man admits to things like not cleaning up after himself and keeping his living arrangements at an acceptable standard and is openly admitting to that kind of behavior that’s a sign a needy man is needing someone take care of him. A man who has his act together will not fall short on things that he knows he needs to do for himself without a woman reminding or telling him these things. If you find yourself having to mention, discuss, suggest, and demand you are trying to change him. You can’t change needy behavior in someone they have to go through trial and error to learn what is and is not appropriate behavior.

15. Pushing to meet family and friends too fast-This is something that also becomes another red flag which is a sign that you’re dealing with someone who’s got a disconnection to his own family and needs to meet everyone around you. He’s got some attachment issues and that’s a serious red flag because someone who’s got attachment issues is someone who is going to be hard to get rid of.

16. He over-compensates himself-This is something women have to pay attention to because if you find that he’s trying to emulate himself more especially someone who’s got low-self esteem you’re dealing with someone who’s extremely needy and will eventually become clingy. Don’t waste your time with someone who overcompensates himself because you’ll have to deal with someone who’s not capable of being secure with himself and needs to push that know-it-all mentality on someone. If you see this in someone run because it will do you no justice to try and waste time rationalizing this kind of nonsense move on to someone who’s secure with himself and has a positive level of self-esteem and self-image.

17. Immature and age-inappropriate behavior-Women are having to frustrate themselves to no end dealing with somene who’s immature for their age and exhibiting age-inappropriate behavior. If the man is NOT acting his age and acting like his shoe size it’s time to make some choices on associating yourself with someone who’s is acting his age and acts like a responsible adult. Hygiene and living habits also tell the level of maturity in someone and if a man admits to not being clean and orderly you’re dealing with someone who’s looking for someone to take care of him. You’re not his mother.

18. Not respecting a woman’s right to space and time for other things-This is where men screw themselves up when they’re constantly needing to hang out and don’t have their own friends and it becomes invasive because she’s having to entertain you until very late at night and not respecting her household’s rising and settling hours. A woman does not always want to hang out with the same person day in and day out this can become bothersome after a while that’s why some women decide its a wrap when she has to constantly deal with someone who’s not respecting her need for space and to have her own life.

19. Overstaying on a visit-When it gets to the point where a man is wanting to visit with a woman longer and she’s got things to do the next day and she’s got to ask you to leave either on her account or when someone in her house has to ask her to ask the guy to leave. When it gets to that point you have a needy guy on your hands.

20. Saying things that is more than what someone wants to hear-We all goof up and say more than we need to say, but when it comes to revealing about one’s personal life some men will in fact say more than what they need to say. There is a time and place to reveal parts of your life, but when a woman is subjected to hearing details about your personal life that isnt really appropriate to be saying or telling people. If a woman finds herself involved with a guy like this she might want to start reconsidering things and deal with someone who is capable of doing things when the time and place is right and appropriate. Some personal details are best kept to yourself.

These are things you need to pay attention to when you’re dating a man because some of these traits are seen a lot in divorced and widowers when they’re not ready to date again. Men that had spouses who’ve passed away have not begun to resolve their grief and the feelings surrounding that and sometimes they begin to have connections to women who remind them of their past spouse. This is not healthy because the attachment is not something that’s considered healthy. When you find that a man is rushing back into dating after the death of a spouse or partner after about 2 years and has not resolved his grief through appropriate counseling and adequate time this can become a problem because you’ll end up as a woman who he’ll unload his stuff on. Women need to recognize when they have to differentiate between being a friend and being some man’s therapist. If you are also finding that you’re listening to a lot of a man’s problems you are selling yourself short.

When you also find a man that’s constantly talking about a past partner or spouse who’s living or deceased it is a sign that he’s not ready to date because someone will have gone through the process of grieving and also adjusting to being on their own for some time without dating. Someone can sound nice all day long, but when you find that a man is constantly talking about his issues and you’re listening too much you begin to sound like his therapist and that can be detrimental. A man who’s desperate actually hurts his chances at dating because he makes himself prone to getting used and mistreated. Women today waste a lot of time dealing with men who are full of issues and other stuff going on and don’t really realize that they’re lowering their standards and taking away time from getting to know someone who’s got their heads together and isn’t on some nonsense that you shouldn’t be wasting your time on. Relationships are great, but what would be nicer is if it’s not full of needy and clingy behavior that’s just downright inappropriate and creepy.

Women today really need to look at some of their own behavior that attracts these types of men and really look at whether you want to waste your time with someone who’s only going to stress you out. Women want to feel special and loved and cared for, but when they are attracting needy and clingy men there’s a problem because that’s a reflection of how you feel about yourself. That’s the key thing that women miss in dating is that sometimes you can also be way too friendly and needy and clingy men latch on to that and that can be detrimental to a man especially one who has unresolved emotional issues and baggage. You have to decide when enough is enough and make some serious changes in your life so you don’t attract those types of men. It’s a hassle to have to deal with someone who can’t have a life of his own and is always having to be around you and not allowing you to be on your own to do your own thing.

Women also have to check some of their own issues as well because if you have traits within yourself that can also set you up to attract men who are clingy and needy and hard to get rid of. Nobody wants to deal with someone who’s got unresolved emotional baggage and that’s a strain in dating and it’s best to cut your losses when you’re dealing with someone who’s got issues that he needs to work out on his own and you listening to his stuff doesnt help him either it only makes you someone he can get dependent on very quickly and that can cause a lot of unwarranted stress. Clingy is not the way to go in dating and for a woman it’s the root of her stress.