Internal Dialogue

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If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?

Status: good. finally feeling human. Maybe I’ll have a dry weekend for the one coming up. I wouldn’t mind feeling human throughout the whole week and not just at the end. Seems to have an effect on my productivity, or lack thereof.

Career.

Pulled the trigger on the return flight yesterday, which has made this Next Chapter feel a little more real, a little more official. There wasn’t an accompaniment of anxiety, so perhaps I’m getting used to the idea. Curious to see how I’m going to react on those first few steps at the beginning of the Next Chapter, how I’m going to feel about seeing old, familiar places which I left behind all those years ago. I’m hoping the experience doesn’t push me down into the depths of depression. If I can just make it to neutral with a hint of sadness, I’ll call that a win.

(All that said, it is a good opportunity and is a stepping stone to the Thing I Really Want. Need to keep reminding myself of that.)

Photography.

Toying with the idea of purchasing some better equipment. I don’t feel like I’m completely ready for it, but once I make the move it will be hard to source the equipment from there, and it’ll potentially be more expensive as well. If I wasn’t going anywhere I’d hold off a little bit longer because I still feel like I need to do some work on learning more about the compositional aspects of photography. It would be a real shame to shell out a small fortune for new equipment and then end up taking “holiday snaps” with it. That wouldn’t be very smart.

Still, better to plan ahead.

Writing.

I’m not so much procrastinating as I am stuck on the next step. I hate the self-loathing which accompanies the lack of productivity. Something else to get my head around. Another lesson to learn. Need to pick myself up, dust myself off and try again. But without the internal invective directed at myself.

That’s not helpful at all.

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/4
25mm
ISO 800

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Heaven and Hell

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The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.

Status: good. I mean, just about ok. Overslept this morning. A holdover from three nights in a row of poor sleep. Suspect that this is what trips me up more than anything. It’s one of the things I didn’t miss from alcohol consumption: a poor night’s sleep. The other thing I didn’t miss was the sinus congestion. It’s Wednesday and I’m still congested from drinking on Saturday night. If I remember correctly it takes a full week for my sinuses to normalise, and I’m too stubbourn to take a decongestant (I’m also too stubbourn to take WordPress’ suggestion of using the American spelling of the word ‘stubbourn’). Given these two consequences, are they worth the price of my Saturday night dalliances?

Probably not.

Writing.

Procrastinating because I don’t know where to start. I need to finish off the summary page for The Patriot story and then I can start looking for a way to publish it. But, I’m struggling with the summary because I’m not completely clear on how the story progresses through the three act structure. Which is disconcerting given I’ve written the first issue (or the beginning of the story), and I have a general idea of what it’s about, but I don’t know what happens next. Which is making it difficult for me to complete the synopsis and issue summaries (that make up the story arc through the three acts).

I’ll figure it out, but in the meantime I’m a little stuck. Maybe I should just work on something else rather than allow this to hold me in place.

On a separate note, I submitted the short story ‘Weaver’ to the editor, as promised. It’s out of my hands now. Feedback should take about a week or two, I think?

Photography.

Booked the model for Sunday afternoon. I have four shots on the shot list – two street scenes at Union, and two boudoir shots, which might be a bit ambitious for a 2.5 hour shoot given they are in separate locations and there will be some travelling to get from one to the other. Let’s see how this plays out and what lessons I’ll learn from the experience. I can then apply those to the next session, if there is one.

Dating.

I have a full schedule this coming weekend. Coffee dates on Saturday afternoon and Sunday noon. No great read on either one, however the Saturday date is the one who cancelled on me last week, and I think she is the one who explained that a medical issue forced a career change? Unless she was a cage fighter in a previous life, I’m not sure what that means.

By way of introduction, I sent a section from this journal to the Sunday date as part of my initial correspondence with her. It was met with an extremely favourable response. I mean, she REALLY liked it. During our subsequent back-and-forth I can see that she is projecting idealistic hopes onto me as a result. I’m flattered that she liked the piece of writing and that she is super interested in meeting me, but I’m also slightly concerned that I won’t live up to her expectations.

I don’t live up to my own expectations, how am I going to live up to yours? Disappointment, thy name is online dating.

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/7.1
18mm
ISO 100

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Breaking Promises

20190302-DSC_0009Stop looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love – you have a treasure within that is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.

Status: wide awake at 2:30 am and couldn’t get back to sleep. lazed around in bed until the alarm went off at 5am and then got up. Second night in a row with poor sleep and I’m worth nothing this morning. Immediately hit caffeine and YouTube because I was half asleep and needed an excuse to not start writing. Even the meditation didn’t help. All the discipline in the world wouldn’t have saved me, as soon as I’m tired I immediately give up and fold like a house of cards. And then the self-loathing starts because I didn’t keep my promise to myself.

I do that a lot.

Not keeping my promises to myself.

If I don’t treat myself like I’m a priority, then how can I expect other people to do it? If I don’t keep the promises I make to myself, then how I can expect other people to keep their promises? (Is that how that works?) All I know is I have zero tolerance for people who do that to me, yet I’ll do it to myself without even batting an eyelid.

I need to start treating myself better. Starting today.

Photography.

I’m stuck with the writing and procrastinating by raking my brain over hot coals with vapid YouTube videos, so decided to be productive instead and started processing photos from the weekend sessions. I’m actually really really pleased with how some of these have turned out. Not only are my compositional skills getting better, but so is my post-processing on Lightroom. I’m faster, I have a better eye for the style that’s going to fit the photo and my colour matching is progressing (which is saying something because I’m figuratively colour blind – if someone said, “match these two colours or you’re dead”, I’d be dead AF in two seconds). I’ll be posting these to IG over the coming weeks.

I’ve also been able to secure the services of an amateur model to help me with a few shots I’d like to take, and she isn’t too expensive. Will figure out where I’m going to slot it into the schedule. Was so out of it yesterday, I couldn’t even wrap my head around schedules and such, and today I’m not feeling much better, but I’m just going to suck it up and get it done.

Writing.

The short story goes to the editor this afternoon. I promise.

Nikon D3400
1/60 sec
f/5.3
48mm
ISO 800

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The Return of Lethargy

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Status: ok. tired, actually. I’ve allowed that to infect the day and let it push me into being unproductive. I don’t understand how I can have days like today and still find the motivation go to the gym, but I can’t sort myself out enough to focus on the task list – writing, photography, etc.

Decided to break the dry theme to my weekends and did a little bit of parting on Saturday night. I was also out last night, and I while there was no alcohol involved, I didn’t get a full night’s sleep, so I’m pretty lethargic today. We’re almost at the end of the day and I’m only just starting to put pen to paper, so to speak.

I honestly don’t feel THAT bad, I just feel lethargic. It’s probably the result of my programming and I’m likely getting a pay-off from being lazy – maybe its a form of self-flagellation, which sounds about right.

Writing.

The editor I reached out to last week sent me a response on Friday and now all I need to do is submit the story for her to review. Mildly nervous about letting someone read something which I think is maybe average at best, but I want to move forward and see if I have something worth publishing. Best to keep expectations low and use the feedback to up my game, which is the purpose of the exercise, I think.

Date.

Spontaneous date on Friday was better than expected. She was actually pretty engaging and we had a good chat – easy and fun. The best kind. I’m not going to pursue this any further. We’re just not compatible enough, and I think we’re looking for different things. That said, it was a good spur-of-the-moment get-together, and I’m glad I pushed through the OCD and was flexible enough to accommodate it. I need to do more of that.

Ok. Must sleep now…….

 

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Friday Musings

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Status: good. actually I’m feeling okay. Structured my day a little differently today, so that I could tackle the admin stuff first and then focus on the rest afterwards. The admin piece took longer than expected, and it usually does. It’s also the stuff which I can do on auto pilot, so honestly it’s better suited for afternoon when I have lower energy.

Writing.

Decided to reach out to the writer which I met off the dating app a few weeks back to see if I can avail myself of her editing services. I mean, that’s not weird, right? Part of me won’t be surprised if I don’t receive a response, but at the same time……

Partially finished the summary page for The Patriot yesterday, but it needs more work. I’ll finish that this weekend.

Honestly, it kinda got away from me today. I’ve been focusing on clearing off a few prep tasks for my move in a couple of months……

Career.

Notified everyone yesterday of the impending change and agreed the start date with BFM, so that’s locked int. Started looking for a place to stay when I remembered that the tenant lease at one of my places is up for renewal at the end of this month, and they haven’t decided if they’re going to renew. If they don’t re-up for another year and allow the current lease to lapse, then I’ll move into the unit myself. I can always place it back on the rental market in a few months, or later in the year once I’m settled and have started to formulate next steps. The nice thing about this plan is, I’ll have a place to stay immediately, the mortgage is paid off so it’s rent free, the electricity is already on and it’s in town, so I can walk to work. I’ll just to need to source linens, internet access and a motorcycle, although given I’ll be so close to work there is no rush for that.

Date.

Spontaneous date this evening. Sometime the dating app just presents opportunities, and I think the warmer weather helps in this regard as well. Not sure that our personalities are aligned – profile says that she is dominant, which is not congruent with my personality type, but eff it. I’m game for the adventure, so let’s see how this goes. I’m doing anything tonight anyway.

Coffee date tomorrow at noon with someone I’ve been chatting to for about a week. This one seems like she has issues. She already jokingly told me that she’s psycho, which could be a self effacing joke. Delivered as a joke, but is actually true.

In any case, we’ll see how it goes……

 

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Procrastination and YouTube

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Status: good. I don’t feel bad. actually, I feel better today than I have over the last few days. Procrastinating heavily this morning and hating everything that I’m creating right now. Anxious about The Next Chapter. Distracting myself from these two bits of unpleasantness by immersing myself in entertaining YouTube videos. Was informed about something called the MOMO challenge this morning. Immediately hated myself for watching it afterwards which then kicked off a downward spiral of self-loathing, which then lead to more procrastination, which led to another YouTube video. This one from a YT “celebrity” telling me about a NYT article on the correlation between money and happiness, or lack thereof. Now I really hate myself and regret watching it, which is leading me to…………

STOP.

BREATHE.

FOCUS.

Writing.

As soon as I got up this morning, I started the summary page for The Patriot short story. I’m going to finish that today. It’s just one page. I know the story. Time to put it down on paper. Once that is completed then the first draft is done and I can start looking for ways to submit it to publishers.

Settled on a title for the Death short story. Amended the ending slightly to remove repetitive narrative. I’m going to research editors and then send it off for review. I’m willing to spend a little bit of money to have that done. I’m going to take my time and find the right one for me. Being comfortable is key.

Career.

Apparently NTB is still in play. It was quiet for two weeks, but they still have an open position which they are trying to fill, and it’s located in jurisdictions which are more attractive options than the one with BFM. If I’m going to take a job that doesn’t really excite me then at the very least I’d rather it be in place where I’ll be happy. They still have a few hurdles to clear before I’ll know for sure, so we’ll see how this plays out.

The BFM opportunity which I accepted has a start date of 2.5 months from now and I need to begin handing in notices and making arrangements to relocate. Made a half-hearted attempt to begin that process yesterday and then quickly gave up. I’m going to have to white-knuckle it because it’s quite obvious that my subconscious is telling me not to do it. That speaks volumes about my interest in going through with this, but I just need to tough it out and get it done.

Ok, let’s get on with it…..

 

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Churros and Social Justice

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Status: okay. better than yesterday, but still drifting. lethargic and apathetic. Not sure exactly what happened, but that really derailed me and I’m not being as productive as I want to be. Don’t understand exactly how typical Monday morning lethargy and an accompanying anxiety attack would have caused that, but maybe it did. Which is a perfect segue to…..

Writing.

Stuck in neutral. Completed the second draft of the to-be-renamed Death short story. I’d like to have an editor review it before submission, but I need to work on justifying the cost. My fear is that it isn’t good enough and I’m just pissing into the wind. No, I know it’s not good enough – or at least that’s the story I’m telling myself. And that’s precisely why I need a second set of eyes on it.

I also need to take the next step with The Patriot short story and write a summary page for submission. Was going to tackle that this morning, but procrastinated and watched YT videos instead (ok, that’s not completely fair – I did complete the Playa Cabana video and posted both the pictures and video to IG and YT respectively. Not exactly what I wanted to be working on, but good enough). I’m procrastinating for a reason and don’t know why. Maybe it’s best to just set this aside for the moment and start working on the next story so that I can keep up the momentum I’ve built over the last few months.

Date.

The coffee date I had yesterday afternoon was really sweet and also an engaging conversationalist. She’s another Lost Girl, working part-time at some health/fitness facility doing a vague job, but this is just until she can figure out the next steps. I didn’t really get much from her in terms of what she was doing to find out what that next step will be, but sometimes we get stuck in neutral (heh, as I’ve described above) and need a little time to figure it out. Other than that, it’s all good. She was really nice.

Will I see her again? Dunno. It’s kind of like having some vanilla ice cream. It was pleasant and enjoyable, but I’m not rushing out to repeat the experience anytime soon. And I think that about sums it up.

Food Adventures.

I recently had cinnamon covered churros at Playa Cabana, and they were delightful. I took photos, but the problem is they look very phallic because they were served standing straight up in a glass with caramel and marshmallows at the base. They were all leaning left. Not politically, mind you, but as you do when you’re trying to stand up straight and look presentable. As you can see, I have a conundrum: do I post these saucy pics to IG or not? I mean, what will my friends think? Will I be subjected to hurtful criticism? And more importantly, how many Likes will I get? Finally, after much deliberation and soul-searching, I said: eff ’em. These churros sacrificed themselves to provide me with mouth and tummy pleasure, and that should be celebrated. So, in defiance of potential invective from the unruly masses and throwing caution to the wind I posted them to IG this morning. Justice served, all from the comfort of my own home.

And that’s been my Wednesday so far.

Nikon D3400
1/15 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 3200

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