Saturday

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I knew you were the one when you walked into my chaos and never left.

Hey,

I wasn’t going to write anything else until next week when I was back on the island. I didn’t want to have my head stuck in a laptop during my last few days here. I wanted to be fully present, so that I could soak up these last few moments and fully experience them. I suspect I’ll need that memory to get me through the next few months as I work on letting go of this chapter in my life and embracing the new one.

But, I need to let go of it otherwise I won’t be able to move forward. I need to (slowly) forget the pain I’m feeling right now, but never forget what the experience taught me. I think I told you that material things hold no value for me; I value relationships and experiences. And the last seven years has been an incredible experience. I’ve learned so much about myself through this experience; I’ve learned so much about myself through the people I’ve met. Even the shitty ones. You know who I’m talking about.

(We accept the love we think we deserve.)

And that experience of loving someone a little too intensely and then losing that love prepared me for this change in my life. The pain from having my insides (my very being) ripped to shreds is a distant memory, and all I remember now is what that experience taught me.

So, knowing that the pain I’m feeling right now won’t last forever, I think I’m ready to face this. I think.

I don’t admit this easily. I’ve never really considered myself to be much of a cryer (because boys don’t cry). I’ve always been able to “switch off” my emotions as easily as snapping my fingers. Friends have seen me do that and commented on it (“dude, what the serious fuck?!”). But, this morning was different; I woke up, made my way to the kitchen and then just burst into tears. It felt strange and alien; I don’t like feeling vulnerable like that. I especially don’t like feeling vulnerable in front people.

Which is prideful, I guess.

I didn’t want to sit here wallowing in my own self-pity (which, I think you know this, annoys the fuck out of me). I didn’t want to be moping around for the rest of the day, so thought it was best to try and process this as best I could, and more importantly focus on being grateful for all of the good things that came from this experience.

One of which is you.

Life happens when you’re busy making plans, and I’m so grateful that life happened. I’m so grateful that we met. You surprised me, in a good way. You gave me exactly what I needed, when I didn’t even know I needed it. It’s almost like you knew what this was before I did. You helped me get out of my own way, so that I could truly see this and embrace it. So that I could see this wonderful person standing in front of me.

I’m grateful that you did that for me. It’s a precious memory which I’ll always carry close to me.

Alright. Feeling better now. Time to start the day.

 

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The Beauty of Life

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Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.

And I do a lot of dwelling, but not about the beauty of life. The opposite, in fact. My default seems to be dwelling on the empty portion of the glass rather than the full portion. I use it to feed my depression (or is it a result of my depression?), which is my comfortable space, my constant companion, and in a sick way I really miss it when it’s not around.

I’m fully aware that this isn’t healthy for me and I need to cultivate behaviours which will push me more towards positive thoughts and actions.

And that’s where I can use the photography. It forces me to look for the beauty in the most mundane things and then capture it on camera. The end result of which is incentive enough to focus on the full portion of the glass, I think.

Nikon D3400
1/125 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 4500

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Missing Pieces

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Good morning.

“Let not your mind run on what you lack as much as on what you have already.” – Marcus Aurelius

Current status: cold. small. rummaging around in the dark corners of my mind looking for things I don’t have.

Coveting thy neighbour as a form of self-flagellation. I’ll add that to the list of ways I punish myself. Or can I use it as a form of aspiration?

Nikon D3400
1/20 sec
f/5.6
18mm
ISO 1600

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Horoscope

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My horoscope yesterday:

“A positive attitude is essential today, because if you let negative thoughts enter your mind it could stop you taking advantage of opportunities that are designed by the universe to make you materially and emotionally richer. It’s all good, so be happy.”

I find astrology moderately entertaining and curiously accurate, and cynically I always check yesterday’s installment to see if it was an accurate reading, and this one was very relevant to something that I struggle with on an ongoing basis.

I do wrestle with depression and have a (bad) habit of lending too much weight to the empty portion of the glass, so this is sage advice. And it also fits the above picture which I took quite well.

Now, to put that into practice……..

 

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Gratitude Journal – Post 16

There’s something appealing about getting up at 5am when the world is still asleep. The world is fresh and new and quiet. Very, very quiet. And that fits quite well with my introverted nature. I can sit quietly and explore my thoughts and read and write without the noise of the day circling around me.

Working in the corporate world has always been a poor fit for me. This is much better. I don’t feel like I’m trying to change the course of a mighty river. I’m much more in harmony with who I am.

That said, diving right into it as soon as I get up has been largely effective over the last 3 days. It works best if I set my task list the day before, so that I know what I’m going to tackle when I get up; without it I just drift and the Monkey Mind takes over. I end up losing a few hours to Fuck-Knows-What, YouTube videos of a hamster licking his balls, or the vacuous machinations of Casey Neistat (who I think is full of S.H.I.T., but entertaining).

My goals for today: write one page of The Story, complete one movie review and devote a couple of hours to Photography practice/study. The latter is going to be the easy one as I have scheduled a couple of hours this afternoon with a friend who is going to act as my muse while I work through a few techniques. I’m also going to limit my access to email and such to 15 minutes at Noon and then again at 5pm. Passing thought: I’ve done the 7 Habits course, I need to dig that out and inculcate those tools into my daily routine.

In terms of Gratitude, having someone to help me through these photography techniques is tremendously helpful and I’m very grateful for that help.

The prospective tenant for one of my units withdrew the offer, but the real estate company had a back-up in place and the new prospect is actually offering a better rate with an immediate start date. I’m really grateful that they were able to source an alternative so quickly.

Ok, on with the day…….

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Gratitude Journal – Post 15

Standing on the balcony this morning at 6am I could hear birds chirping in the distance. Spring is on the way.

I set the alarm for 5am this morning. The plan was to get up and just ‘Do It’. Clear my mind, don’t over think it and basically white-knuckle it. I’ve done that through most of my career, and while a little painful, it has been effective. None of this hippy-bullshit on how to win the day by starting it with meditation and affirmations and exogenous ketone spiked green tea, just strap on the boots and get it done.

Truthfully, I’m just sick of procrastinating and using it as a form of self-flagellation. I’m aware that this is a manifestation of my fear of the task and wanting it to be perfect on the first go-around, which is unrealistic. I also have this idea in my head that the act of doing it is not going to be as good as the thought of doing it – I can daydream about it and gain some pleasure from that thought. If I do it then I lose that little bit of pleasure. Yes, that’s a bit self-indulgent and short sighted. Mostly short sighted and an inability to delay gratification. I’ll gain much more gratification and fulfilment from actually doing it.

And experience. I need the experience.

All that said, let’s be grateful for something this morning:

The interview with RenRe went better than expected. I wasn’t successful, but it was a good conversation, gave me more experience interviewing and selling myself, and it got me in front of hiring managers/decision makers which is a good thing that could yet bear fruit. Ultimately, I’m going to hit on one of these eventually and each interview I have leading up to that final one will better prepare me for the opportunity.

Ok, let’s get on with it………..

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