The Fear of Change

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If she doesn’t scare the hell out of you a little, she’s not the one.

Status: good. better than good. happier than I’ve been in a very long time.

Anxiety levels: high. In less than a week my life will change. It’s the unknown which I fear the most. Will it be as good as the life that I have now?

On the subject of change, this blog will also change. It has to. Life circumstances dictate. Because that’s life. Forever changing, never permanent. Up until now I was writing this for me, and only me. What started out as a tool for learning how to write, learning how to inculcate the process into my life, has morphed into something which is a bit more cathartic; a way to organise and process my unvarnished thoughts.

And then I shared this with someone I know.

I regret doing that, however it did highlight a few things for me. My internal dialogue, as represented on these blog posts, is much more acerbic than I realised. And, I’m not actually processing my thoughts, I’m just doing a brain dump into a blog post. It’s helpful, but it would have been more helpful if I actually thought about what I was feeling and experiencing before recording it. I mean, I kinda sorta knew that was the case (and didn’t want to admit it to myself), but I didn’t fully realise it until I could see it through her eyes.

How does that quote read?

“If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?”

So, it’s time to change that, which is quite timely given all of the other things which are changing in my life. And I think I can start that here. Rather than continue with the acerbic internal dialogue capture, which has reached the end of its useful life, I’m going to write these posts for just one person. I’m going to write these posts TO just one person.

I’m going to write these letters to you.

I’ll continue to be honest, but the tone of the posts will change. You’ve given me something which is quite precious and I intend to take good care of it. I promise.

The frequency of these posts is going to change as well. The career move dictates. But, my goal is to post at least three times a week, more if time allows.

The photo capture and accompanying caption is a metaphor for the upcoming changes, but you were right in your text message yesterday. The original post on IG was about you, was about us, and even though it scares me a little I think it’s worth the risk. I think you’re worth the risk……..

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/4.8
38mm
ISO 100

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Walking at Night

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Yes I do enjoy walking at night. The world’s a lot more to my liking then, not so loud, not so fast, not so crowded, and a great deal more mysterious. 

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 800

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Fast Starts

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Status: good, better night’s sleep, but still had a late start to the day and then chose to hit the gym in the morning which pushed everything back into the afternoon. I’m now sitting here trying to wrap my head around writing something, anything, just to feel productive, and also to start processing the events of the last week.

Anxiety levels: climbing. I’m leaving a week on Monday and I’m starting to feel the pressure.

Photography.

Processed a bunch of photos last night and hated all of them. I appreciate that I’m tired and also had a hangover to contend with, which contributed to my negative view of them, but still. They can’t all be bad. In any case, I’ll continue working through the backlog and hopefully have a chance to complete a few more items off the shot list before I give the camera equipment to the new owner.

Writing.

I mean, see below. I need to grab this bull by the horns, but that likely won’t happen this weekend. I typically don’t write on the weekends, and this one is going to be very busy…….

M.

Last night was the first night in the last few where she didn’t spend the night. Truthfully, I needed the uninterrupted sleep. Getting used to someone else in bed beside me is a bit of a process; I suppose there is a bit of anxiety there, a combination of not wanting to disturb her while she slept and also allowing someone to get that close to me. Resulting in more catnapping than anything else.

…..

Originally started this blog post on Friday and continued it into Saturday; a combination of slowly processing the events of the last week and just being distracted by this new person in my life.

It’s now Sunday and I’m sitting on the couch at home with M beside me wearing one of my favourite oversized pajama hoodies, while both of us do some work on our laptops. She is catching up on a few overdue items and preparing for Monday morning, and I’m trying to finish this blog post. She doesn’t know that I’m writing this.

This has escalated quickly; we’ve gone from dating to almost living together. The plan was to spend part of Saturday and Sunday together with a sleepover on Saturday night, but we’ve been inseparable since Noon yesterday and she is spending the night again tonight with plans to stay over tomorrow night as well.

I couldn’t be happier.

Yesterday she showed up at my door with two sets of tulips (which now sit in vases on the living room coffee table and beside the couch) and macaroons. I’ve never had anyone do something like that for me before. So very impressed by this person and am feeling very glad that I gave her a chance rather than do what I’ve done a million times before: give them the quick hook when they breach a boundary.

In any case, more to come…………

 

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Date Night and Photography

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Status: hungover. sorta, kinda in a place where I can do some writing, but not really. Fussed around with selecting a photo to post from the catalogue and then gave up because I couldn’t find anything I liked, not to mention that I couldn’t find the right caption to pair with the photo or with what’s been happening over the last few days.

And what’s been happening? Well, not alot of writing, that’s what.

M.

This interaction has taken center stage and pushed everything else to the side. I thought I was done with this modus operandi, but perhaps not. I specifically remember telling myself that The Mission is the most important thing and that I wasn’t interested in a romantic partner distracting me from the things that I want to do, the things which are fulfilling and important to me.

But, life happens when you are busy making plans. Time spent with M has escalated drastically over the last few days. We have only two weeks left before I move onto The Next Chapter and we’re trying to make the most of the little time we have left together. This has resulted in us spending most of Sunday night together, all of Monday afternoon and night when she slept over, and then date night last night for dinner, drinks and another sleepover.

So, we’ve seen quite a lot of each other over the last few days, and I couldn’t be happier.

There is still quite alot to process – it’s moving so quickly that I’m barely able to keep up with it. Including how I feel about this, and about her. But, maybe the best place to start is the Thank You note I sent to M on Monday morning after our Sunday outing:

“Hey M, I had alot of fun as well. I was going to write up a proper thank you later on when I wasn’t wearing my sleepy face, but where words fail I hope actions do my thoughts justice.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for last night; that’s a special memory which I’ll carry with me always. You made me feel like a very special person, and for that I can’t thank you enough.

But I’m going to try.”

I was almost in tears when writing this on Monday morning, and perhaps that’s all I really need to know. I don’t need to overthink this; the simple truth is that she has touched me in a way that very few people have, and I’m grateful for that.

More to come……..

Photography.

The camera equipment has been sold in its entirety and the buyer will collect the whole pack next week, just before I leave. Closing the chapter on this aspect of myself feels strange, almost like I’m giving away a piece of myself which I use for self expression. I’ll be voiceless in the interim, but will pick it up again once I am settled back on the island and am in a position to source some new, better equipment. Which is likely going to happen by the end of the summer.

This is actually distressing me a little bit more than I thought. This avenue through which I express myself has become an important part of me and my wellbeing……..I didn’t realise that until just now.

 

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Relationships

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And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in.

Nikon D3400
1/200 sec
f/5.6
55mm
ISO 2500

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Courage and M

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It’s a risk. Its always a risk. Do you have the courage to tell someone I Love You without expecting something in return?

Status: excellent. away from the laptop for a few days, spending time with M. toying with the idea that some of the angst I experience is being driven by my self imposed isolation, and that I need to do a better job of maintaining a balance between solitude and engaging with people – cultivating relationships which I find energising instead of exhausting. I keep forgetting how much I have to share – spending time with M reminds me of that.

And that’s a perfect segue to…..

M.

Not sure exactly where to start here, there’s been so much happening over the last two days. Everything else, everyone else has fallen away and what was originally intended to be a short outing on Sunday turned into spending the bulk of the last two days together getting to know each other.

It’s now Tuesday morning and I’m feeling her absence right now…..

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/8
55mm
ISO 100

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Introversion and Pair Bonding

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Let people feel the weight of who you are and then let them deal with it. 

Status: better. not sure exactly why I insist on getting up at 5am, especially after yesterday. I think I would’ve been better off sleeping through (or at least sleeping in a bit later), so that I can replenish the stores, so to speak.

Anxiety levels: climbing. Must. Do. Shit.

Date.

Got together with G yesterday for a tour of Stackt and then a little stroll down King West followed by dinner. Forgot that there is an older section of the strip with the worst restaurants known to Man, and that is where we ended up dining. Piss Poor Planning at its finest.

The company was good, but I was tired and also distracted by the previous evening with M. Not sure I really gave G my best as a result, and that’s one of the problems when it comes to entertaining multiple suitors. I really needed some alone time away from people to recharge my batteries after a big night out; I could feel myself drifting away from her as the evening wore on and my energy levels dipped. I’ve noticed that as energy levels ebb, any interaction with someone (anyone) becomes abrasive – they’re asking me to give them something that I don’t have; it feels like I’m scraping off pieces from the edge of my soul to give to the person, and that’s painful. I get a little crabby as a result. That’s not fair on G, or anyone for that matter. I need to do a better job of managing that aspect of myself.

Photography.

Ticked off another item from the shot list yesterday. Keep forgetting how close everything is, and I also seem to get stuck inside, a slave to my schedule. In any case, with the latest set of pictures, I now have plenty of raw images to edit. That’ll keep me busy for a while. Full expect that I won’t be finished editing by the time I relocate, and that’s fine. I’ve decided that I’m going to re-list the equipment early next week at an attractive price, so hopefully I’ll be able to move it quickly.

Writing.

Despite the fact that I haven’t been working on my stories, I have been religiously posting to this blog. I’m well over 2k words per week, and I’ve been doing that consistently since the middle of December. I’d say that’s a trend worth celebrating. This is one of the things that I really enjoy doing, and maybe I need to view this as the thing that I’m writing instead of the stories. It’s certainly congruent with my (current) preferred writing style: plan, outline, flesh out and then edit.

And that’s one of the lessons that I’ve learned. I was doing that instinctively with the blog, which given I’m living the experience made it easy to stay consistent and produce a decent word count. I didn’t do that with the speculative fiction; I followed the Steve King method, which is to wing it and allow the story to lead that way. That’s not working for me, and not all writers work that way either. I need the planning and outlining parts of the process to be productive, without them I drift and don’t know where to start. That’s also true in my Finance job, I need the structure there as well – I should have seen this earlier, but now it makes sense.

In any case, that was a good epiphanous moment and is one of the reasons that I keep this blog and do the work. So that I can learn lessons like this.

M.

I feel the need to write something here, but I’m not sure I’ve finished processing what she told me on Wednesday night. I also don’t want to lose this moment and the words that I have at the tip of my fingers right now. If I leave it for later when I’ve had time to mull it over some more then this moment will pass, and the words along with it.

So.

Maybe I can do this in pieces. (I mean, who’s reading this fucking thing anyway).

I left her alone all day yesterday and late into the evening. Spending time with G helped keep me occupied enough so that I wasn’t tempted to reach out earlier. We’ve spent just enough time together that I can feel her imprinting upon me – I think they call it pair bonding (well done with the clinical description, bro). The good news is that I’m recognising it for what it is and can hopefully manage it accordingly……still, that’s a mighty strong pull.

I’m a little concerned as I transition from this chapter to the next that it’ll distract me from The Mission. I mean, I need to stay fully focused on The Next Thing as I get up to speed with the new job, and work on the objectives they’ll want me to complete for the remainder of the year. I could really do without being preoccupied by this fully awesome person I met.

Still…..

I like her.

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/9
55mm
ISO 100

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