Thinking of You

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I keep myself busy with the things I do but every time I pause, I still think of you.

 

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Silence

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Who are you in the silence between your thoughts?

I’m sitting on the edge of the world thinking of you. Every time I move you shift into view; a smile, a laugh, the way you look deeply into my eyes, like we’re the only two people in existence.

I think of you often. Sitting here on the balcony overlooking the harbour, the night air thick and heavy, joyous revelry serenading me from the restaurant patio next door, the tree frogs singing to me; my mind drifts back to those warm intimate moments we’ve spent together. For me the best type of intimacy is where we just lay back, laugh together at the stupidest things, hold each other and enjoy each others’ company. I treasure these moments; it’s during times like these that I feel loved, that I can be loved. That I’m not too damaged and that there is someone in The Universe who can love me for who I am even though I don’t completely love myself.

But that doesn’t answer my question.

In these silent, solitary moments who am I?

In these moments I alone know the truth of who I am. I don’t need to pretend that I’m someone else or wear a mask because I’m afraid that the other person will reject me for being me. I can be silly and daydream and be true to myself. I feel accepted unconditionally. I am genuine.

There are very few people in my life, and who surround my life, who make me feel this way. Who make me feel at peace with myself, like I can fully be myself. Who make me feel like I’m at home.

You’re someone who does this. Someone who makes me laugh and feel joy, who I can share my most intimate secrets with, who’s dried my tears when I’ve been feeling down, who showered me with love and hugs and kisses even when I didn’t feel like I deserve it.

I’ll never forget our first date; unsteadily making our way from D-Bar in the wee hours of Monday morning, tipsy and merry, you gently slipped your hand into mine and didn’t let go. You still haven’t let go, and I don’t want you to. It felt so intimate and warm, and in that moment I knew I wanted to see you again.

I fell in love with you at the drive-in; the amount of time and planning you put into arranging the date showed me that big heart of yours and how much you cared about me. You’ve always been so kind and patient with me, and that kindness is something I’ll always cherish.

I’ve never told you how much I appreciated having you here when I first moved back to the island. I was dreading the move, truly dreading it. I knew that it would be a difficult transition, moving back to a place, to a life that I left behind because I was unhappy. But there you were, spontaneously arriving a few days early, still holding my hand and giving me the love and support I needed to get through what could have been a very difficult time for me. I couldn’t have loved you more in that moment.

You’ve given me so much over the last few months.

I now have something for you.

It’s a piece of myself, in a ring, so that we can be together even when we can’t be together. So that we can still hold hands and feel that same warm intimate moment we felt when you slipped your hand into mine on our first date. So that we can feel the love and support of having someone in our lives who cares, even when we are apart.

I love you.

 

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