It just made sense to me to sandwich this letter in between these two posts because I’ll be writing a response to it, of sorts.
I love this letter and read it often. I think you’re a better writer than me; its honest and from the heart, as all good writing should be……..
I love you.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
I was mulling over our conversations from this past weekend and decided to do a little reflecting on the plane. I have also decided to share my thoughts with you, it’s nothing I haven’t already said, but only seems fair now that I’ve infiltrated your blog.
I am sure you are busy getting ready for work tomorrow. So no need to read it now. I have to look up my phone plan and see if I can text you for free, I believe I can. In the meantime, I am going to go home and find some food on the way. It’s raining and dark here, quite the contrast to this weekend.
The other day you asked me how my ex made me feel, and I struggled to answer. Which made me realize, that I need to do a lot more reflecting on how you make me feel, while I’m feeling it. The truth is, there might never be another person that makes me feel the way you do. In three words, I feel whole.
I feel like all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly, is out in the open for you to feel the weight of, and beneath it you were not crushed. Instead, it was as if my truth were as light as a feather, something you could turn over in your hands and admire. It is because of this, that when I am with you, I don’t feel like you are trying to complete me, or fix me. As a matter of fact, I don’t feel broken at all. I feel accepted. Which is something I have never felt before because I have never told anyone everything about me. I fear being vulnerable as much as you do, so I date people who will never leave me, who don’t challenge me, who don’t know me. I know there is always some part of me that these people cannot accept, so I shelter them from it, I shelter myself from the possible rejection. I have spent my life learning to accept myself, assuming I was the only one who could accept everything about me. I do have one friend, who I can tell anything to, and who I have shared just about everything I have shared with you. However, she is a friend, not a lover, and at times she still meets with me judgement. You on the other hand, have accepted everything up until now, including an area of my life that I never knew a lover could accept. This makes me feel like I can have what I want without judgement, guilt, or suffering. And this makes me feel loved. When someone can accept something so complex and difficult, and it doesn’t change their opinion about the person, that is love.
I had talked to my counselor about having a relationship in the future which wouldn’t follow the path of my previous relationships. I was not, and am still not sure what I am looking for, but I find it curious that the universe has decided that now is the time for me to start figuring it out. Maybe it’s a coincidence, but I believe in fate. Not that we are all on predetermined paths that we can’t change, but that life will give us well timed lessons along the way. You must be a well timed lesson. I could have been born years later. I could have dated my boyfriend for another two months. You could have left Toronto one month earlier. I could have met you once and moved on. You could have met me once and moved on. But none of these things happened. Instead, a million big and little things had to happen over the span of our lives to put us where we are now. I refuse to believe this is a coincidence. I also know this is only the beginning, and that you have many more things to teach me, but what I have learned up until now is that someone can love me, all of me, and that I don’t need to give up on things I want in order to receive love. If we parted ways today, this would be a lesson I would never forget.
Finally, you make me feel passion. I believe this came out the other night when we fought. I doubt it will be the last time, but maybe we are meant to challenge one another. We might not be end game, but maybe we have been stuck in our patterns so long that we needed someone to help us see that. I am lucky the person who has helped me see this is you. And maybe as time goes on we will help each other create new patterns, better patterns.
So, the date is May 12th, and this is how you make me feel right now.
I love you.