The words don’t come easy, they never do.
Typically I need a little bit of time to reflect on how I feel about things and people and experiences. And that’s if I feel anything at all. I’ve spent so much of my life being numb, and letting it take center stage, that I don’t always notice more subtle/nuanced emotions. It needs to be strong enough to really grab my attention and then not let go. To say that I experience emotions (actually most things) in absolute terms is an understatement.
And that’s where I am right now, trying to carve out a bit of time to reflect on the events of the last few weeks and how I feel about everything that’s been happening. It’s all been moving along at breakneck speed, and I just haven’t had a chance to do that.
The last four weeks in particular has been like running at a full sprint. The move from Toronto to Bermuda. Starting a new job. There’s quite a bit of anxiety attached to those two things. I left the island and my last two jobs because I was extremely unhappy. Knowing that I’ll be travelling back into the source of that unhappiness was disconcerting.
How will it affect my well being? The thought of finding myself back at the start of The Journey makes me feel like I failed, somehow. (Which is silly because I have all of these new experiences and memories to draw on which I didn’t have before).
I feel like I should be doing something else, being somewhere else, and I’m now headed in the wrong direction. (I mean it’s a practical choice/direction, but it still feels wrong).
And this is where I was last Friday; it was the first time I was really able to stop and breathe. Things have moved since then; I’ve been able to (mostly) process events and feelings during the course of this past week, and I’ll place all of that in the next post.
It just felt natural to write about them separately.