Sunday (Part Two)

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Hey,

I’m glad you were here with me to help settle in after the move.

I could have done it on my own; I’ve done much more challenging things on my own. Certainly I’ve become very self reliant and typically don’t allow people to help, preferring to do things myself, which is the result of trust issues, for sure. I had to fend for myself as a kid, and that stuck; I basically learned not to rely on other people. And as a result my approach has always been: why trust someone to be reliable and then experience the pain of disappointment when they let you down?

I’ll be honest with you. I avoid relying on people because if they let me down then it feels like rejection to me, and that cuts like a knife right through the center of my being. It takes me right back to that dark time in my childhood when I was feeling abandoned, alone and scared. I avoid relying on people because I never want to feel like that again.

But there you were, spontaneously flying here on Thursday (after I’d only been here for three days) so that we could be together. I didn’t need anyone to take care of me, I still don’t, but you showed up. You were there for me. You were showing me that you are reliable and that I can trust you to be there when I need you. You gave me something which I haven’t had a lot of over the years, something I really needed as a kid, and that is someone I can rely on.

I couldn’t have loved you more in that moment.

I never feel alone when I am by myself. I sometimes feel alone when I am with people. I have felt alone in relationships. Maybe that’s partly my fault; choosing the wrong person to be with, being with someone I can’t (or won’t) open up to, being with someone I don’t fully trust, being with someone who helps me recreate a facsimile of my childhood – I mean that really seems to be a common theme throughout my life. Creating an environment for myself where I feel isolated and abandoned.

I’m choosing to be with women who are unavailable, who will help me create that kind of environment. I’m recreating the relationship dynamic that I had with my parents as a child. I can’t tell you how empty that makes me feel when I’m in those kinds of relationships. It’s perverse that I do that to myself; subconsciously seeking out something that’s going to hurt me.

I’ve never felt that with you. You’ve always been available and present. You’ve always been so open and honest with me. You’ve always been really kind and patient. You listen to me. You dried my tears and didn’t judge me when I was vulnerable. You’re the only person I’ve trusted enough to be vulnerable around. You’ve been understanding with my funny little idiosyncrasies. You’ve given me space when I needed it, and held me close when I needed that too.

You’ve given me unconditional love.

I’ve never really felt like I was worthy of that kind of love. I’ve always tried to earn it by attempting to be perfect and focusing intensely on the other person’s needs. I was raised to believe that love is conditional. But, you’ve shown me otherwise. I’m not afraid to be myself around you. I’ve shown you more of my true self than I’ve shown anyone else, and I don’t feel ashamed about doing that. You’ve accepted me as I am and shown me that I am worthy of being loved. That I deserve more than I was accepting (in past relationships).

I feel fortunate and grateful that we met. You’ve given me so much that saying the words ‘I Love You’ pale in comparison. All I can do is show you how much you mean to me, how much this means to me, by giving you the love and respect you deserve.

I love you with all my heart, M.

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May 12th and Letters from M

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Hey,

It just made sense to me to sandwich this letter in between these two posts because I’ll be writing a response to it, of sorts.

I love this letter and read it often. I think you’re a better writer than me; its honest and from the heart, as all good writing should be……..

I love you.

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Dear A, 

We accept the love we think we deserve. 

I was mulling over our conversations from this past weekend and decided to do a little reflecting on the plane. I have also decided to share my thoughts with you, it’s nothing I haven’t already said, but only seems fair now that I’ve infiltrated your blog. 

I am sure you are busy getting ready for work tomorrow. So no need to read it now. I have to look up my phone plan and see if I can text you for free, I believe I can. In the meantime, I am going to go home and find some food on the way. It’s raining and dark here, quite the contrast to this weekend. 

Xo

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The other day you asked me how my ex made me feel, and I struggled to answer. Which made me realize, that I need to do a lot more reflecting on how you make me feel, while I’m feeling it. The truth is, there might never be another person that makes me feel the way you do. In three words, I feel whole. 

I feel like all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly, is out in the open for you to feel the weight of, and beneath it you were not crushed. Instead, it was as if my truth were as light as a feather, something you could turn over in your hands and admire. It is because of this, that when I am with you, I don’t feel like you are trying to complete me, or fix me. As a matter of fact, I don’t feel broken at all. I feel accepted. Which is something I have never felt before because I have never told anyone everything about me. I fear being vulnerable as much as you do, so I date people who will never leave me, who don’t challenge me, who don’t know me. I know there is always some part of me that these people cannot accept, so I shelter them from it, I shelter myself from the possible rejection. I have spent my life learning to accept myself, assuming I was the only one who could accept everything about me. I do have one friend, who I can tell anything to, and who I have shared just about everything I have shared with you. However, she is a friend, not a lover, and at times she still meets with me judgement. You on the other hand, have accepted everything up until now, including an area of my life that I never knew a lover could accept. This makes me feel like I can have what I want without judgement, guilt, or suffering. And this makes me feel loved. When someone can accept something so complex and difficult, and it doesn’t change their opinion about the person, that is love. 

I had talked to my counselor about having a relationship in the future which wouldn’t follow the path of my previous relationships. I was not, and am still not sure what I am looking for, but I find it curious that the universe has decided that now is the time for me to start figuring it out. Maybe it’s a coincidence, but I believe in fate. Not that we are all on predetermined paths that we can’t change, but that life will give us well timed lessons along the way. You must be a well timed lesson. I could have been born years later. I could have dated my boyfriend for another two months. You could have left Toronto one month earlier. I could have met you once and moved on. You could have met me once and moved on. But none of these things happened. Instead, a million big and little things had to happen over the span of our lives to put us where we are now. I refuse to believe this is a coincidence. I also know this is only the beginning, and that you have many more things to teach me, but what I have learned up until now is that someone can love me, all of me, and that I don’t need to give up on things I want in order to receive love. If we parted ways today, this would be a lesson I would never forget. 

Finally, you make me feel passion. I believe this came out the other night when we fought. I doubt it will be the last time, but maybe we are meant to challenge one another. We might not be end game, but maybe we have been stuck in our patterns so long that we needed someone to help us see that. I am lucky the person who has helped me see this is you. And maybe as time goes on we will help each other create new patterns, better patterns. 

So, the date is May 12th, and this is how you make me feel right now. 

I love you. 

M.

 

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Last Friday (Part One)

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Hey,

The words don’t come easy, they never do.

Typically I need a little bit of time to reflect on how I feel about things and people and experiences. And that’s if I feel anything at all. I’ve spent so much of my life being numb, and letting it take center stage, that I don’t always notice more subtle/nuanced emotions.  It needs to be strong enough to really grab my attention and then not let go. To say that I experience emotions (actually most things) in absolute terms is an understatement.

And that’s where I am right now, trying to carve out a bit of time to reflect on the events of the last few weeks and how I feel about everything that’s been happening. It’s all been moving along at breakneck speed, and I just haven’t had a chance to do that.

The last four weeks in particular has been like running at a full sprint. The move from Toronto to Bermuda. Starting a new job. There’s quite a bit of anxiety attached to those two things. I left the island and my last two jobs because I was extremely unhappy. Knowing that I’ll be travelling back into the source of that unhappiness was disconcerting.

How will it affect my well being? The thought of finding myself back at the start of The Journey makes me feel like I failed, somehow. (Which is silly because I have all of these new experiences and memories to draw on which I didn’t have before).

Still.

I feel like I should be doing something else, being somewhere else, and I’m now headed in the wrong direction. (I mean it’s a practical choice/direction, but it still feels wrong).

And this is where I was last Friday; it was the first time I was really able to stop and breathe. Things have moved since then; I’ve been able to (mostly) process events and feelings during the course of this past week, and I’ll place all of that in the next post.

It just felt natural to write about them separately.

Cont……..

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