I’m glad you were here with me to help settle in after the move.
I could have done it on my own; I’ve done much more challenging things on my own. Certainly I’ve become very self reliant and typically don’t allow people to help, preferring to do things myself, which is the result of trust issues, for sure. I had to fend for myself as a kid, and that stuck; I basically learned not to rely on other people. And as a result my approach has always been: why trust someone to be reliable and then experience the pain of disappointment when they let you down?
I’ll be honest with you. I avoid relying on people because if they let me down then it feels like rejection to me, and that cuts like a knife right through the center of my being. It takes me right back to that dark time in my childhood when I was feeling abandoned, alone and scared. I avoid relying on people because I never want to feel like that again.
But there you were, spontaneously flying here on Thursday (after I’d only been here for three days) so that we could be together. I didn’t need anyone to take care of me, I still don’t, but you showed up. You were there for me. You were showing me that you are reliable and that I can trust you to be there when I need you. You gave me something which I haven’t had a lot of over the years, something I really needed as a kid, and that is someone I can rely on.
I couldn’t have loved you more in that moment.
I never feel alone when I am by myself. I sometimes feel alone when I am with people. I have felt alone in relationships. Maybe that’s partly my fault; choosing the wrong person to be with, being with someone I can’t (or won’t) open up to, being with someone I don’t fully trust, being with someone who helps me recreate a facsimile of my childhood – I mean that really seems to be a common theme throughout my life. Creating an environment for myself where I feel isolated and abandoned.
I’m choosing to be with women who are unavailable, who will help me create that kind of environment. I’m recreating the relationship dynamic that I had with my parents as a child. I can’t tell you how empty that makes me feel when I’m in those kinds of relationships. It’s perverse that I do that to myself; subconsciously seeking out something that’s going to hurt me.
I’ve never felt that with you. You’ve always been available and present. You’ve always been so open and honest with me. You’ve always been really kind and patient. You listen to me. You dried my tears and didn’t judge me when I was vulnerable. You’re the only person I’ve trusted enough to be vulnerable around. You’ve been understanding with my funny little idiosyncrasies. You’ve given me space when I needed it, and held me close when I needed that too.
You’ve given me unconditional love.
I’ve never really felt like I was worthy of that kind of love. I’ve always tried to earn it by attempting to be perfect and focusing intensely on the other person’s needs. I was raised to believe that love is conditional. But, you’ve shown me otherwise. I’m not afraid to be myself around you. I’ve shown you more of my true self than I’ve shown anyone else, and I don’t feel ashamed about doing that. You’ve accepted me as I am and shown me that I am worthy of being loved. That I deserve more than I was accepting (in past relationships).
I feel fortunate and grateful that we met. You’ve given me so much that saying the words ‘I Love You’ pale in comparison. All I can do is show you how much you mean to me, how much this means to me, by giving you the love and respect you deserve.
I love you with all my heart, M.