I knew you were the one when you walked into my chaos and never left.
I wasn’t going to write anything else until next week when I was back on the island. I didn’t want to have my head stuck in a laptop during my last few days here. I wanted to be fully present, so that I could soak up these last few moments and fully experience them. I suspect I’ll need that memory to get me through the next few months as I work on letting go of this chapter in my life and embracing the new one.
But, I need to let go of it otherwise I won’t be able to move forward. I need to (slowly) forget the pain I’m feeling right now, but never forget what the experience taught me. I think I told you that material things hold no value for me; I value relationships and experiences. And the last seven years has been an incredible experience. I’ve learned so much about myself through this experience; I’ve learned so much about myself through the people I’ve met. Even the shitty ones. You know who I’m talking about.
(We accept the love we think we deserve.)
And that experience of loving someone a little too intensely and then losing that love prepared me for this change in my life. The pain from having my insides (my very being) ripped to shreds is a distant memory, and all I remember now is what that experience taught me.
So, knowing that the pain I’m feeling right now won’t last forever, I think I’m ready to face this. I think.
I don’t admit this easily. I’ve never really considered myself to be much of a cryer (because boys don’t cry). I’ve always been able to “switch off” my emotions as easily as snapping my fingers. Friends have seen me do that and commented on it (“dude, what the serious fuck?!”). But, this morning was different; I woke up, made my way to the kitchen and then just burst into tears. It felt strange and alien; I don’t like feeling vulnerable like that. I especially don’t like feeling vulnerable in front people.
Which is prideful, I guess.
I didn’t want to sit here wallowing in my own self-pity (which, I think you know this, annoys the fuck out of me). I didn’t want to be moping around for the rest of the day, so thought it was best to try and process this as best I could, and more importantly focus on being grateful for all of the good things that came from this experience.
One of which is you.
Life happens when you’re busy making plans, and I’m so grateful that life happened. I’m so grateful that we met. You surprised me, in a good way. You gave me exactly what I needed, when I didn’t even know I needed it. It’s almost like you knew what this was before I did. You helped me get out of my own way, so that I could truly see this and embrace it. So that I could see this wonderful person standing in front of me.
I’m grateful that you did that for me. It’s a precious memory which I’ll always carry close to me.
Alright. Feeling better now. Time to start the day.