Saturday

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I knew you were the one when you walked into my chaos and never left.

Hey,

I wasn’t going to write anything else until next week when I was back on the island. I didn’t want to have my head stuck in a laptop during my last few days here. I wanted to be fully present, so that I could soak up these last few moments and fully experience them. I suspect I’ll need that memory to get me through the next few months as I work on letting go of this chapter in my life and embracing the new one.

But, I need to let go of it otherwise I won’t be able to move forward. I need to (slowly) forget the pain I’m feeling right now, but never forget what the experience taught me. I think I told you that material things hold no value for me; I value relationships and experiences. And the last seven years has been an incredible experience. I’ve learned so much about myself through this experience; I’ve learned so much about myself through the people I’ve met. Even the shitty ones. You know who I’m talking about.

(We accept the love we think we deserve.)

And that experience of loving someone a little too intensely and then losing that love prepared me for this change in my life. The pain from having my insides (my very being) ripped to shreds is a distant memory, and all I remember now is what that experience taught me.

So, knowing that the pain I’m feeling right now won’t last forever, I think I’m ready to face this. I think.

I don’t admit this easily. I’ve never really considered myself to be much of a cryer (because boys don’t cry). I’ve always been able to “switch off” my emotions as easily as snapping my fingers. Friends have seen me do that and commented on it (“dude, what the serious fuck?!”). But, this morning was different; I woke up, made my way to the kitchen and then just burst into tears. It felt strange and alien; I don’t like feeling vulnerable like that. I especially don’t like feeling vulnerable in front people.

Which is prideful, I guess.

I didn’t want to sit here wallowing in my own self-pity (which, I think you know this, annoys the fuck out of me). I didn’t want to be moping around for the rest of the day, so thought it was best to try and process this as best I could, and more importantly focus on being grateful for all of the good things that came from this experience.

One of which is you.

Life happens when you’re busy making plans, and I’m so grateful that life happened. I’m so grateful that we met. You surprised me, in a good way. You gave me exactly what I needed, when I didn’t even know I needed it. It’s almost like you knew what this was before I did. You helped me get out of my own way, so that I could truly see this and embrace it. So that I could see this wonderful person standing in front of me.

I’m grateful that you did that for me. It’s a precious memory which I’ll always carry close to me.

Alright. Feeling better now. Time to start the day.

 

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The Fear of Change

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If she doesn’t scare the hell out of you a little, she’s not the one.

Status: good. better than good. happier than I’ve been in a very long time.

Anxiety levels: high. In less than a week my life will change. It’s the unknown which I fear the most. Will it be as good as the life that I have now?

On the subject of change, this blog will also change. It has to. Life circumstances dictate. Because that’s life. Forever changing, never permanent. Up until now I was writing this for me, and only me. What started out as a tool for learning how to write, learning how to inculcate the process into my life, has morphed into something which is a bit more cathartic; a way to organise and process my unvarnished thoughts.

And then I shared this with someone I know.

I regret doing that, however it did highlight a few things for me. My internal dialogue, as represented on these blog posts, is much more acerbic than I realised. And, I’m not actually processing my thoughts, I’m just doing a brain dump into a blog post. It’s helpful, but it would have been more helpful if I actually thought about what I was feeling and experiencing before recording it. I mean, I kinda sorta knew that was the case (and didn’t want to admit it to myself), but I didn’t fully realise it until I could see it through her eyes.

How does that quote read?

“If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?”

So, it’s time to change that, which is quite timely given all of the other things which are changing in my life. And I think I can start that here. Rather than continue with the acerbic internal dialogue capture, which has reached the end of its useful life, I’m going to write these posts for just one person. I’m going to write these posts TO just one person.

I’m going to write these letters to you.

I’ll continue to be honest, but the tone of the posts will change. You’ve given me something which is quite precious and I intend to take good care of it. I promise.

The frequency of these posts is going to change as well. The career move dictates. But, my goal is to post at least three times a week, more if time allows.

The photo capture and accompanying caption is a metaphor for the upcoming changes, but you were right in your text message yesterday. The original post on IG was about you, was about us, and even though it scares me a little I think it’s worth the risk. I think you’re worth the risk……..

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/4.8
38mm
ISO 100

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