Let people feel the weight of who you are and then let them deal with it.
Status: better. not sure exactly why I insist on getting up at 5am, especially after yesterday. I think I would’ve been better off sleeping through (or at least sleeping in a bit later), so that I can replenish the stores, so to speak.
Anxiety levels: climbing. Must. Do. Shit.
Got together with G yesterday for a tour of Stackt and then a little stroll down King West followed by dinner. Forgot that there is an older section of the strip with the worst restaurants known to Man, and that is where we ended up dining. Piss Poor Planning at its finest.
The company was good, but I was tired and also distracted by the previous evening with M. Not sure I really gave G my best as a result, and that’s one of the problems when it comes to entertaining multiple suitors. I really needed some alone time away from people to recharge my batteries after a big night out; I could feel myself drifting away from her as the evening wore on and my energy levels dipped. I’ve noticed that as energy levels ebb, any interaction with someone (anyone) becomes abrasive – they’re asking me to give them something that I don’t have; it feels like I’m scraping off pieces from the edge of my soul to give to the person, and that’s painful. I get a little crabby as a result. That’s not fair on G, or anyone for that matter. I need to do a better job of managing that aspect of myself.
Ticked off another item from the shot list yesterday. Keep forgetting how close everything is, and I also seem to get stuck inside, a slave to my schedule. In any case, with the latest set of pictures, I now have plenty of raw images to edit. That’ll keep me busy for a while. Full expect that I won’t be finished editing by the time I relocate, and that’s fine. I’ve decided that I’m going to re-list the equipment early next week at an attractive price, so hopefully I’ll be able to move it quickly.
Despite the fact that I haven’t been working on my stories, I have been religiously posting to this blog. I’m well over 2k words per week, and I’ve been doing that consistently since the middle of December. I’d say that’s a trend worth celebrating. This is one of the things that I really enjoy doing, and maybe I need to view this as the thing that I’m writing instead of the stories. It’s certainly congruent with my (current) preferred writing style: plan, outline, flesh out and then edit.
And that’s one of the lessons that I’ve learned. I was doing that instinctively with the blog, which given I’m living the experience made it easy to stay consistent and produce a decent word count. I didn’t do that with the speculative fiction; I followed the Steve King method, which is to wing it and allow the story to lead that way. That’s not working for me, and not all writers work that way either. I need the planning and outlining parts of the process to be productive, without them I drift and don’t know where to start. That’s also true in my Finance job, I need the structure there as well – I should have seen this earlier, but now it makes sense.
In any case, that was a good epiphanous moment and is one of the reasons that I keep this blog and do the work. So that I can learn lessons like this.
I feel the need to write something here, but I’m not sure I’ve finished processing what she told me on Wednesday night. I also don’t want to lose this moment and the words that I have at the tip of my fingers right now. If I leave it for later when I’ve had time to mull it over some more then this moment will pass, and the words along with it.
Maybe I can do this in pieces. (I mean, who’s reading this fucking thing anyway).
I left her alone all day yesterday and late into the evening. Spending time with G helped keep me occupied enough so that I wasn’t tempted to reach out earlier. We’ve spent just enough time together that I can feel her imprinting upon me – I think they call it pair bonding (well done with the clinical description, bro). The good news is that I’m recognising it for what it is and can hopefully manage it accordingly……still, that’s a mighty strong pull.
I’m a little concerned as I transition from this chapter to the next that it’ll distract me from The Mission. I mean, I need to stay fully focused on The Next Thing as I get up to speed with the new job, and work on the objectives they’ll want me to complete for the remainder of the year. I could really do without being preoccupied by this fully awesome person I met.
I like her.