Are you scared? Or are you not ready? There is a difference.
Status: good. slept straight through without getting up once last night. don’t feel too groggy this morning, that despite a big night out on Saturday night. Three weeks to go and I’m starting to feel a bit of anxiety. Need to stay super chill, relax and accept the impermanence of things. That’s the only way I’m going to be able to stay focused and enjoy the time that I have left. Besides, who knows what adventure lies in wait for me on the other side?
Had dinner with The Tardy One last night, who I am now going to rename G. She told me last night that her name is not The Tardy One and it is actually G, prefacing this news with, “promise you won’t get mad”. Ok, I thought, that’s not exactly a fair request and you’re removing accountability from yourself which is not a show-stopper, but it is a red flag. I mean if she won’t take responsibility for that, then what else won’t she take responsibility for? Uh, how else will that lack of accountability manifest itself going forward? (ok, that’s better). That said, I’m actually not surprised and given the context, I’m not really annoyed. I mean she’s scared of her own shadow and safety is paramount for her, so while I’m not overly impressed, I’m not going to make a meal out of it. I don’t gain any value from conflating the issue into something bigger than it really is.
Besides, I enjoyed her company. She’s easy to talk to, we never have any quiet or uncomfortable silence type moments, and (ironically) she’s a safe bet for me. So, while she doesn’t light my world on fire, she does give me enjoyable, stress-free companionship (which sounds much more clinical than I intended). She’s smart and engaging, and more importantly her personality doesn’t dove-tail with my dysfunction (which is why there is no “connection”), so there’s a good chance that the interaction won’t veer into unhealthy territory.
That’s not the same with M. She lights me up. Our dysfunctions are super compatible and she also shares some of my personality traits, my more negative personality traits, which we both get from our Mothers. Based upon what she has told me about her Mom, our Mothers are very similar and that’s why we connect. We’re recognising personality traits from our primary caregiving Mother in each other. So, she instinctively knows how to press my buttons, how to either pull me in or push me away, and that also means she knows how to really hurt me. I’m calling it now: this one is going to end in tears. My tears.
In any case, best to enjoy the ride while it lasts…..