The Struggle

20181202-DSC_0071But I have infinite tenderness for you. I always will.

Status: embracing the sickness and feeling grotty with a head full of cotton. I can’t guarantee that this is completely due to the cold and may also be the result of a poor night’s sleep.

I haven’t hit my word quota for today and instead opted to numb myself with YouTube videos this morning, and then hated myself afterwards for doing it. Nothing accompanies being sick like a little bit of self-loathing. I’m going to sound like a bit of a broken record, but if I’m not serious about my writing, then I need to put it down and focus on something else.

I’m honestly losing a little bit of patience with my inability to sit down and just get on with it. Better yet, I’m getting frustrated with my inability to understand WHY I don’t sit down and just get on with it. There has to be more to it than the self punishment aspect, I don’ hate myself that much.

In any case, while I couldn’t focus on the creative writing, I did complete another item on my task list which leaves me with the photography projects as the last item on the list (I have four separate projects contained within one line item). I reached out to a select few people in my network, so let’s see what kind of response I get. And for a bonus round, I’ve also sent two general applications to a couple of companies for consideration.

I’ve also been called in for a third interview, which I expected would happen, and we’ve scheduled that for tomorrow. Truthfully, I wanted to postpone it to the end of the week in hopes that I could drag it into the New Year, but I had second thoughts and just decided to get it out of the way. And I think that speaks volumes about my interest in this position. In any case, let’s see how this plays out.

Onward and upward…….

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/5.6
36mm
ISO 100

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Opportunity for Kindness

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Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness.

Status: still sick. Lack of quality sleep has left me drifting and indecisive which has resulted in little writing today. Best to pack it in and try again tomorrow, I think.

But, I am going to the gym, and I did get a few things done today. Board meeting this morning, sourced the paint colour codes for my unit, cleaned all of the white borders on my shoes (which was long overdue). And yesterday I was able to complete one more item on the task list which leaves me with two remaining.

So, not entirely unproductive.

Nikon D3400
1/60 sec
f/5.3
46mm
ISO 1600

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Light Troubles

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Light troubles speak; the weighty are struck dumb.

Status: sick. Pounding echinacea in the hope that I can avoid the worst of it. Tonight is my out-and-about night, but staying home and resting is probably the best play. Is that going to happen? Knowing me, unlikely. I’ll just prop myself up with Advil and stick to the schedule. Compulsion, my old friend.

A flurry of activity yesterday and I was able to complete one item on the task list, tee up another for completion on Sunday and write 751 words. A good effort. Celebrate the victory and do it again today.

These are however the light troubles. The ones I can solve on my own as I long as I get out of my own head and get out of my own way. I’ll need to take responsibility for the weightier items at some point, and I expect that’ll be a steeper hill to climb.

But first, rest.

Nikon D3400
1/30 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 400

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Doing Nothing

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The beauty of doing nothing is that you can do it perfectly.

Status: determined. I’m going to try again. I’ll need to make some changes, though. I don’t see the point of following the same path and hoping for different results.

Status on my goals for the week:

  1. complete selling the books – nope. I could insert an excuse, a qualifier here, but I’m not going to. Let’s just call it incomplete.
  2. dispose of extraneous items which no longer have value and are just taking up space – nope. Ditto on the above.
  3. complete the photography projects on my shot list – I actually completed two of these with good results.
  4. interview on Wednesday – completed and it went well.
  5. reach out to select contacts from my network – nope.
  6. And write. Everyday. 500 words per day – I completed 200 words per day, not including today.

One thing I’m not going to do is beat myself up for not completing the task list, that’s counter productive. I’m just going to do a better job of being perfectly imperfect at doing nothing.

Let’s get on with it……..

Nikon D3400
1/125 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 2200

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Procrastination

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While we are postponing, life speeds by.

Procrastination as a form of self-flagellation, or at least that’s how I do it. From a very achievable list of tasks (priorities) for the week, I’m under achieving. Writing being at the top of the list. Picking up my thoughts from yesterday, if I’m not really interested in the writing process, and I’m obviously not getting to it by allowing myself to be distracted, then I need to let it go and move onto The Next Thing. I’m just wasting my time daydreaming about and then using it as a weapon against myself when I procrastinate.

Enough of that. Rubber meet road.

Regarding The Next Thing – second interview yesterday and they’re interested. They were projecting their intentions during the interview; I don’t think I’m misreading the situation, however I’ll find out next week and then we can start formalising/agreeing the details. So, without starting the process of counting chickens and based upon the outcome of next week I’m going to do one of two things: take the opportunity (provided we can agree on terms), or I’m going to head East……….

Nikon D3400
1/50 sec
f/5.6
26mm
ISO 800

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True Sight

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We often want one thing and pray for another, not telling the truth even to the gods.

Status: indecisive. Having a hard time staying focused this morning. Fucked around with this photo and one other trying to make it “perfect” before I was happy enough to post it. Not sure if what I did made it any better or just another equally good version.

What am I praying for today? Focus. Calm. I’ve been procrastinating heavily over the last few days and not getting done what I want/need to accomplish.

I have this desire (need?) to head down a specific path, but I’m not giving it due attention. I think I’m too focused on an idealised end result and am not deriving enjoyment from the process – that is, when I actually engage in the process. The latter is not sustainable, and the former…….well, I’m just daydreaming. Nothing inherently wrong with doing that, but I should recognise it for what it is and not confuse it with ambition and/or desire.

So, that’s the question: if not this then what?

Nikon D3400
1/250 sec
f/3.8
23mm
ISO 560

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Being Yourself

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Be content to seem what you really are.

Status: procrastinating. Looking for the immediate dopamine hit versus delaying gratification and focusing on completing my task list (which will lead to satisfaction and fulfillment). This is a trend.

Or maybe a sign that I should be doing something else?

Read a blurb from Charles Bukowski which said: if it doesn’t come roaring out of you like a fire then don’t do it.

Stephen King said something very similar in his book, On Writing. He tells the story of his youngest son’s desire to become a saxophonist after hearing Clarence Clemons playing in a music video. His son was given a sax and lessons and then proceeded to do the bare minimum, attending classes and that’s it. He lost interest in it a few months later.

There’s nothing wrong with trying something on for size to see if it fits, I love trying new things, but if it’s not working, if I’m having a hard time staying motivated to do it then perhaps it’s time to set it aside and move onto other things. Sometimes the idea of doing something is sweeter than the actual doing, and when that becomes apparent then it’s time to purge the idea and try something else.

What can I start purging?

Nikon D3400
1/100 sec
f/3.5
18mm
ISO 200

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