Stephanie gets a lot of attention everywhere she goes. She’s blonde, has blue eyes and is, uh, amply endowed. To compliment her endowments, she wears tops which are one size too small. I’m invisible next to her. At dinner the waitress didn’t look at me once, mesmerized by her weapons of mass distraction. She owns an event planning company and has designs on expanding into Montreal in the New Year – she says to me, I don’t take on clients which spend less than six figures on an event. At the tender age of 28, she’s doing very well. She sounds quite nice, right? RIGHT!?!? Not so fast, my friend, I’ve not yet told you about the loopy part. At dinner she asks, do you believe in reincarnation? Oh yeah, here we go, I’m thinking to myself, this should be entertaining. I respond, you know, I think there are many things out there which we can’t see that we don’t fully understand (and that’s the most generic bullsh*t response of the century, but meh, it seems to satisfy). OH MY GOD, EXACTLY, she continues, a few years ago I met this ‘sensitive’ who did this reading on me, blah, blah, blah……….I think I’m going to get some coffee after dinner, yeah that sounds good………and he told me I used to be a cat in a past life, yada, yada, yada………and a shot of Baileys, yup that’s the only thing which will save me now, coffee mixed with alcohol………….and I still have cat like tendencies, blah, blah, blah……….hmmm, I should probably pay attention to some of this just in case she quizzes me on it later………..and we MUST have a reading together…..uh, do what now?……also, my friends are having a barbeque this Friday and I can’t wait for you to meet them…..wait, what?…..and then we need to, blah, blah, make more future plans, blah, blah…………That all sounds really cool, I interrupt (and I have no intention of doing any of it), but I have one question. What’s the straw for? While I was being enlightened on all of her past lives, she had ordered a glass of champagne and when it arrived, she asked the waitress for a straw. She replies, it’s for the champagne, silly, it gets into your head faster this way. I then sat there and watched her shotgun this ($25) glass of champagne through the straw. Classy.
That was our second date. There wasn’t a third.